This Dirty Hood

Class Warfare

2011-09-19T22:06:00.001-07:00

In response to President Obama's call for a minuscule tax increase on the richest 0.3% of Americans, the Republicans are labeling it "class warfare." To these GOP obstructionists, I say simply this: "You want to see what class warfare REALLY looks like? Keep it up, assholes."

The GOP Finally Agrees: Raise Taxes!

2011-08-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

I simply have to apologize.

Here I am, sitting here in the comfort of my government-supplied house with my liberal family and my socialist dog railing against the mean-spirited, crappy ol' GOP, accusing them of all kinds of nasty stuff, demonizing them and generally making them sound all devilish and evil.

Shame on me.

Turns out that, when the shit really hits the fan economically, the Republicans are, at the end of the day, a totally reasonable bunch. For example, on taxes. The rest of the Democrats and I have been just lambasting our colleagues across the aisle for their complete and utter intransigence on the subject of taxes. "They will not," we thundered, "under any circumstances, even in a once-in-a-lifetime financial emergency like this, even consider raising taxes! Ideologues! Tyrants! Assholes!"

Well, never mind. I take it all back. Because, as it happens, the GOP is actually considering raising taxes. Hell, some of them are even talking about it on the campaign trail. Can you believe it? Amazing, right? I can hardly conceive of it myself.

Oh, one little thing: they want to tax the poor.

That's right. It seems that the poor have not been paying their fair share. In fact, did you know that some of them- perhaps even a majority of them- pay nothing in Federal income tax. Sure, a lot of that has to do with the fact that they're...you know...poor and everything. But that doesn't mean they can't dig deep down and contribute what they can. Haven't you heard? This is a down economy! Where's the sacrifice? Pony up, poor folks!

According to the leading voices of the right, it is important for everyone to contribute something. They should have, as they say, "skin in the game." Maybe if they were an active part of this economy, they'd get up off their lazy asses and start working for a change.

Until that sad day, we'll just have to wait for the Democrats to come around and realize that when it comes to balancing the budget, there's only one place to look:

In the gutter.

Eric Cantor - Heartless Schmuck

2011-08-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

Here's a good one: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and other GOP leaders are attempting to link Federal disaster relief in the wake of Hurricane Irene to budget cuts, arguing that any spending to help victims of the hurricane should be directly offset by cuts to the Federal budget.

After hearing this, I couldn't help but think that it would have been nice if the GOP had this same fiscal opinion during the runup to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan eight years ago. Sadly (and not surprisingly), their approach to solving budgetary problems seems to be as follows:

Start two unfunded wars costing trillions of dollars? No problem.

Provide desperately needed disaster relief to thousands of American citizens whose homes, livelihoods and lives have been devastated by a natural disaster? Sorry, but we're going to have to work out how to pay for that first.

And right there, you've got both the GOP mindset in a nutshell and the definition of heartlessness in one, neat package.

Thanks, Eric. You evil schmuck.

Republicans: Corporate Tools?

2011-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

It has become a popular Democratic pastime over the past...oh, I don't know...100 years or so...to attempt to portray the Republican Party as a group of corporation-loving toadies who don't give a shit about the common man but instead live to enrich and kow-tow to the wealthiest of the wealthy.

But is this charge fair? Do GOP politicians care only for their "corporate masters" and regularly throw their contituents under the proverbial bus? Or is this a gross mischaracterization of Republican policies, an unforgivable and thoughtless slight against people who are doing nothing more than serving the needs of their voters?

A quick examination of the practices of the GOP politicians should reveal the truth, I should think, so let's give these policies the once-over, shall we?

What would a group of political booklickers beholden only to corporations actually do? What day-to-day activities would consume their schedules and dominate their policy decisions?

Well, first would be taxes. If the GOP was truly under the complete and utter domination of the uber-rich and the business elite, they would insist that the rich pay as little taxes as possible. And not just in income taxes, God knows. Capital gains taxes, too. And, of course, corporate taxes. Oh, how they would rail against corporate taxes! "The highest in the world!" they would holler, ignoring the fact that most multi-billion dollar corporations not only hide their profits overseas but also exploit loopholes in American tax laws that result in their spending less in taxes than most janitors.

And when they want to bring those overseas profits back to America and dole it out to their own executives as bonuses, they'd probably push for some sort of short-term tax amnesty. Bring the corporate rate from 35% down to....oh, hell...let's make it 5%. But only every once in awhile! Say, every five or ten years. That's fair, isn't it?

What else would they do? I know: deregulate. Strip away all those pesky environmental, safety, OSHA, anti-trust and other laws that strangle and hold back that fierce beast that is American capitalism. "Free the free market!" they would preach. "Let the greatest capitalist nation on earth shake loose its fetters and become the titanic force it was meant to be!" Never mind that rivers, streams, lakes and oceans become fetid, chemical sinkholes. Forget that the air becomes unbreathable. Or mountaintops become a thing we tell our children about ("That mountain used to have a peak, Timmy!"). As long as the corporations are free to roam unhindered, all is well with the world.

Anything else? Aha, what about unions? How about we demonize the American labor movement? Paint unions as corrupt, productivity-crushing, elitist relics of a bygone era. Unions used to be important, sure, but not anymore! We have plenty of worker protections now. Why coddle American workers? They're tough enough to stand on their own two feet, aren't they?

Hell, they don't even need a minimum wage! Get rid of it! And don't get me started about child-labor laws...what a joke! Kids want to work, dammit! It's good for 'em!

Finally, they would do everything they could to make sure that corporations and rich businessmen were allowed to give unlimited amounts of cash, with complete anonymity, to GOP politicians. That would be key. Reversing 200 years of campaign finance law...that would be the real giveaway.

So...if the Republicans did all of these things- pushed for lower and lower taxes for the rich, lobbied against the EPA and all other bothersome regulatory bodies, attacked unions, tried to destroy the minimum wage and basically did all they could to give corporations free reign over our political and social system- then and ONLY then could they be accused of being complete and utter tools of the ruling class.

But...that couldn't possibly describe the Republican Party with any accuracy.

Could it?

Rick Perry, Anti-Gay Douchebag

2011-08-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Following hot on the heels of his questioning evolution, dissing Social Security as an unconstitutional Ponzi scheme, deriding child labor laws as government intrusion and arguing AGAINST environmental regulations, Rick Perry has gone a step further by signing the anti-gay marriage pledge touted by the so-called "National Organization for Marriage" and, thereby, proving himself to be an enormous douchebag. He is, however, climbing up the polls!

To solidify his douchebag status, Perry is also planning to hang out this weekend with everybody's favorite pseudo-historian David Barton, evangelical leader and founder of WallBuilders (a more aptly named organization cannot be imagined), the virulent anti-gay crusader and, not incidentally, rumored cock-muncher.

I mean, they all are, aren't they? All these guys who make it their mission in life to deny gays their basic rights. They're ALL self-loathing pillow-biters, am I right? I'm telling you: you show me a guy who is that intimidated, threatened and downright scared of a gay dude and I'll show you a guy who, in his heart of hearts, craves the man-spunk.

And now that Perry has signed the pledge and gotten all buddy-buddy with Barton...all I can say is:

Have a nice weekend, boys.

Good Night Irene

2011-08-26T14:22:00.001-07:00

A special shout-out to my East Coast brothers and sisters as they face down Hurricane Irene. Many of my nearest and dearest are right up against the dear old Atlantic and I'm sending all my love to each and every one of you.

Stay safe everybody.

Muammar Hearts Condi

2011-08-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

In what must go down in history as one of the oddest post-war finds, the Libyan rebels have uncovered, in Muammar Gaddafi's compound in Tripoli a photo album containing dozens of pictures of former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

Apart from the "yuck" factor associated with owning such a thing (try not to think about what he used it for), it further cements the fact that when it came to nutjobs, Gaddafi topped 'em all.

I mean, at least Idi Amin had pictures of Farrah Fawcett. Condi Rice? Eeeeeewwwwww.

Quote of the Day

2011-08-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

From the "He Said WHAT?" department:

Mark Rubio, freshman Senator from Florida, on whether or not he is interested in the V.P. spot on the GOP ballot:

"I have no interest in serving as vice president for anyone who could possibly live all eight years of the presidency."

So...lemme get this straight, Mark. If there was a really old, sick, decrepit nominee (say, John McCain plus ten years or something) who looked like he wouldn't last more than a year or so before keeling over on the Oval Office floor....THEN you would consider the VP spot?

Creepy, man.

A Brief History of Time (Lost)

2011-08-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

About a year and a half ago (right after the big battle over the Health Care Bill), I wound up putting this site on hiatus due to the fact that I was so busy I didn’t know which way was up. It proved to be a wise choice as my schedule (work-related, artistically and otherwise) would have only allowed for sporadic and undoubtedly half-baked postings (not that we haven’t had those before) and it was best, I determined, to remove my voice from the cacophany.

But now we are heading into the campaign season and the electoral stakes- while perilously high before- are now even higher. The slate of goons lining up to try and knock Barack Obama off his perch is so ominous, so terrifyingly extreme as to make George W. Bush look like a short-panted Boy Scout. And a bright one, at that.

So in the coming months, I thought it best to re-open the dialogue and see if we can generate a little action heading into 2012. This is shaping up to be the ugliest campaign of all time and we’re going to need to contribute all we can to keep the slander, obfuscations and downright lies from becoming the accepted wisdom of the electorate.

My esteem for said electorate, by the way, is at an all-time low. Far from getting smarter, the folks who actually vote in this land of R's have become even more dimwitted. They can no longer seem to tell the difference between truth and complete and utter hokum. Not that they have much opportunity to be educated. From a news-gathering perspective, the media is a disaster. As a result, the American people have consuming the journalistic equivalent of shit sandwiches for the past decade and the current crop of GOoPers are asking the folks if they’d like the next batch of crapwiches to be toasted or oven-baked and folks are actually lining up to get more.

Well, we can’t have that, can we? Time to expose the b.s., call out the liars and carnival barkers among us and, most of all, underline the terrifying messages that are currently being disseminated to the masses for the blood-curdling bullshit that they are.

Here’s truth number one: The Republicans learned NOTHING from the George W. Bush years. They are gearing up to double-down on every bad idea he and his pack of cronies ever had. For every step forward we have taken in the past three years, the current crop of GOP candidates is ready to take us ten steps back.

And if that doesn’t scare you….brother, you’re just not paying attention.

Vrooooom!

2011-08-25T04:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, did you hear that sound? Didja? Know what it was?

It was the sound of getting behind the wheel of this creaky old blog, turning the key and listening to the engine roar to life, that's what it was.

Time for us to get back on the campaign trail, I reckon. Well overdue, in fact.

So...away we go.

The Healthcare Smackdown

2010-03-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

Two months ago, it was dead. The Speaker was ineffectual, the Senatre Majority Leader a bumbler and the President was, despite the campaign promises, changing absolutely nothing.

Now? Nancy Pelosi looks like the smartest person in the room. Harry Reid has that LBJ "Master of the Senate" glow. And Barack Obama can proudly say that helped shape one of the most important, far-reaching and historic pieces of legislation in our nation's history.

Who else deserves credit? I'll tell you: the Republican Party. By marching in lock-step, uniting in their stubborn opposition to reform and, basically, spending the past year lying their fool heads off, they managed to steel the backbone of the Democratic Party and cleared the way toward this monumental achievement.

Truly, it makes a big difference when the opposition is comprised of a bunch of entrenched, bitter, obstructionist assholes. Whiny bitches who are so solidly in the pocket of the insurance industry they practically breathe lint.

Who's the leader of the GOP, after all? An orange-headed fountain of hate and deception, the loathesome John Boehner. Not since Karl Rove have we had an enemy who is so clearly evil, so solidly opposed to doing the right thing, so maliciously set against positive reform in any way.

Boehner's agenda is clear: defeat Barack Obama. Not "help the country." Not "enact effective legislation." Not "fix the system." Nope. Boehner and his party have one- and only one- reason for living. They want the President to go down in flames so that they can recapture power. That's it.

Well guess what, boys? You just got taken to the woodshed. All of you. The leather-faced Boehner, that batshit crazy freak Michele Bachmann, the slimy weasel Eric Cantor, consummate douche-bag Steve King...every single one of you got your asses handed to you by the skinny guy with the big ears.

We win. You lose. Now go fuck yourselves.

They won't, of course. They think it's Christmas in March. They believe that the President has just handed them the ammunition they will use to shoot down his party in the November elections. And in certain districts, that might be true. But Nancy, in her wisdom, gave absolution to a number of red-state Democrats and let them vote "no" on the legislation knowing how bad it would play at home. So the GoOPers can't attack them for their vote on this bill. Har-de-har-har.

Not that it matters. These guys are so stuck on crazy that they're going to keep doing what they always do: they're going to double-down. They're going to move further to the right (if that's possible). They're going to continue to obstruct, to obfuscate, to deceive the American people. They're going to whip up their base into a frenzy, further muddying the debate and, sadly, further endangering the country.

Because one of these lunatics on the right is going to snap sooner or later. Like that whacko who flew his plane into the IRS building, one of these Teabaggers is going to take Boehner or Bachmann or Turner or Overdrive just a little too seriously and do something stupid or violent or both.

And you know what they're going to do when that happens, right? You got it:

Blame Barack Obama.

For now, though, Obama can bask in the warming glow of his newly minted, desperately needed, hard fought and hard won legislative victory.

Boo-yah. The good guys win for a change.

Beck Finally Steps In It

2010-03-12T14:05:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

It was only a matter of time.

See, if you spout crazy-talk for a few hours every day and you don't employ any kind of editing mechanism between your looney-tunes thoughts and you're actual, out-loud ravings, you're bound to say something ultra-stupid sooner or later.

Glenn Beck's time has arrived.

Oh, I know what you're thinking: Beck's time arrived a while back. The frothing shit-fountain that is his mouth has been spraying crap for years now and nothing he says can shock you at this point. Well, maybe not.

But Beck's targets, you see, are usually well-chosen. He hates progressives, he hates liberals, he hates socialists, Marxists, Mao-loving commie faggots who are out to destroy America. Hell, he hates them so much, they make him weep.

So Beck makes a fortune by going on his show and railing against the left because, hey, who's going to defend them? Up to now, Beck has known exactly what his audience wanted to hear.

Note that I said "up to now."

This week, Beck made the unbelievable mistake of advising his viewers/listeners to examine their churches and, if they determined that their religious leaders used "code words" like "social justice," to reject their religions and walk away from their churches.

No shit. Here are his exact words:

I beg you, look for the words ’social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes! …

If you have a priest that is pushing social justice, go find another parish. Go alert your bishop and tell them, “Excuse me are you down with this whole social justice thing?” If it’s my church, I’m alerting the church authorities: “Excuse me, what’s this social justice thing?” And if they say, “yeah, we’re all in that social justice thing”—I’m in the wrong place.

Smart thinking, there, Glenn-o.

The response was swift and furious: Beck is now in trouble with the Evangelicals. He's in trouble with the Mormons. He's in trouble with the Christians.

In other words, just when you think Beck has run out of people to piss off, he manages to run out and find some more.

This morning, in response to the outrage, Beck went on his show and backed off not one iota. He doubled down, attacking his attackers and continuing to preach that seeking "social justice" is not only anti-American...it's against God.

Forget all that stuff in the Bible about taking care of the "least of these" among us. Forget the thousand upon thousands of Bible verses about caring for the sick and hungry, alleviating the suffering of the poor, of treating your neighbor as yourself.

Forget all that. Don't you know that God wants you to do nothing more than look out for yourself?

I read it in the Book of Glenn. So it must be true.

Mitt Romney: Super American!

2010-03-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney has a new book out and it is going to debut at #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. What's the name of this brilliant tome? Get ready:

"No Apology: The Case for American Greatness."

If I may be the first: Fuck you, Mitt.

See, I've written on the subject of Amercian exceptionalism before and it frankly makes me sick. The whole idea that we, as Americans, are somehow better than the rest of the world simply because we are Americans is inherently ridiculous.

But let's pretend for a minute that it's true. Let's pretend that, upon the day of our births, our creator checks to be sure we're Americans and, once he checks us off on his list, he sheathes our persons in a protective coating of awesomeness that makes us just so much cooler than everbody in every other country in the whole wide world!

Whoo-hoo! How badass would that be!

After that, we can do no wrong. We are perfect. We are exceptional. Our soldiers cannot be faulted for any inappropriate behavior in the field, our black-ops sites overseas are beyond scrutiny, the behavior of our political leaders- which would be considered war crimes if perpetrated by leaders in other countries- is glossed over. Why?

Because we're Americans, dude! We don't apologize. Fuck that! So what if we bomb your wedding party instead of the insurgent camp? Shit happens!

So what if we inter an entire race of people in California during World War II because they're yellow and their eyes look funny? Deal with it!

So what if we distribute blankets covered in smallpox to Native Americans to try and wipe them out? Is it our fault that they don't have exceptional immune systems like us? Shit, no!

Is the American system of government great? Yes it is.

Are there great, iconic, heroic Americans? Yes, there are.

Would I rather live anywhere else in the world? No I would not.

But are we perfect? Are we, by divine providence, exceptional? Are we genetically greater than anyone else on the planet?

No, we're not.

So, Mitt- you pandering, blow-dried, empty suit: take your exceptionally stupid book and shove it up your ass, won't you?

Thanks.

In a Massa Trouble

2010-03-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

The lesson here is: be careful what you wish for.

The nation's leading Republicans, who have spent the past year trying to shoot down every single proposal Obama has made regardless of merit, has been looking for a Democratic turncoat. Somebody from Obama's party who will point the finger at Barack and say "He's a bad man!". A Congressman or Senator who will betray the current Administration and turn to the Dark Side.

Well, this week, they finally got their wish. But what they got turns out to be a whole lot more than they bargained for.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet former Representative Erica Massa (D-NY). Note that he is a former Representative as he was forced to quit his Congressional seat for various and sundry reasons, the main one being: Eric like himself a little grabass around the office.

Oh, and not just the usual, "Say, Betty, I hate to see you leave but I love watching you go" kind of banter that is the traditional fodder for harassment complaints. No, you see, Eric likes to grab himself a nice handful of male staff member and give 'em a squeeze. And a tickle. Eric likes to tickle. A lot.

Don't take my word for it. Ask Eric. Here are some quotes from the past week from Massa himself:

At a wedding over New Year's, Massa "..sat at down at the table where my whole staff was, all of them, by the way, bachelors. One of them looked at me and — as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne — a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid. His points were clear, and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and I said, 'What I really ought to be doing is frakking you,' and then tossled the guy's hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where I shouldn't be there."

"Was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely."

Asked if he was gay, Massa did not deny it, instead saying "Ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy."

Asked if he ever touched male staffers inappropriately, Massa "...acknowledged that he did "grope" male staffers, but that it was merely a "tickle fight".

And right now I'd like to stop for a moment and allow everyone a chance to recover momentarily as many of you are now, like me, on the verge of hurling. Deep breath. Better? Good. Now, back to business.

Here's where it gets interesting. No sooner was Mr. Massa shown the door for these harassment allegations than- lo and behold- he started to complain that, in fact, he was being pushed out by the Obama administration for his opposition to the health care reform legislation.

Never mind that he is among thirty or so Democratic House members who are bull-headedly opposed to the President's plan but he appears to be they only one being "targeted." Forget that. What happened next was: the GOP pounced. They had their guy! Here was a legislator from the other side of the aisle being thrown under the bus by Obama for speaking his mind. Perfect! Let's make him a victim and attack Obama through this Massa guy!

BIG mistake. See, if you're going to try and hitch your wagon to a rising star (pardon the mixed metaphor), you really should choose a star that is rising. This one is...what is the opposite of rising? Ah yes: this particular star is flaming.

Glenn Beck gave Massa an hour on his show and had to apologize at the end for wasting America's time with this ninny. No one is buying his story, especially because the juiciest bits involve a wet, naked Rahm Emmanuel poking him in the chest. And, no, I'm not kidding.

So Massa will now crash and burn, the GOP will do all it can to distance itself from their new BFF and, with any luck, the health care legislation will finally pass.

We can all now enjoy a collective sigh of relief.

I Can Answer That

2010-02-10T07:07:00.001-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Since you're asking:

Fuck no.

Update: Apparently American agrees.

Talk to the Hand

2010-02-09T14:25:00.001-08:00

by Kevin Theis

So...Sarah Palin goes to a little chit-chat at the Teabagger Convention and gets busted using notes written on her own palm during the interview. Big deal, right?

Actually, it is a kinda, sorta big deal because my friends- this woman came just a few million votes short of being next in line for the Most Important Job in the Whole Freaking World and- surprise!- she's a goddamned idiot.

Now hoooold on a bit there, cowboy. Isn't that a bit too harsh? Am I being just a tad too judgmental calling Palin an "idiot" because of this little stunt? After all, Barack Obama is Mr. Teleprompter, right? What's wrong with Sarah using a couple notes of her own?

Here's what's wrong with it: The notes are clearly written for a complete BONEHEAD. Take a look at what Sarah Palin (a) thought was really important to remember and (b) had to take the time to WRITE ON HER HAND because she was worried about forgetting them:

Energy

Budget Cuts

Tax

Lift America's Spirits

Now do me a favor, friends. Close your eyes. And try to remember the words you just read. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Did you remember them? Or did you feel the urge to put Bic-to-palm and jot 'em down in case you forgot? I mean, honestly, if you're going to a TEABAGGER convention and you can't remember to mention Tax Cuts you are.....

....wait for it....

....a God. Damned. Idiot.

Take Nothing for Granite

2010-01-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Normally, Republicans are pretty good at hiding how they really feel about social issues. They use coded language, they speak in careful, broad terms. They watch their mouths because letting your true feelings show can really hurt your chances come election-time, you know?

For example, let's say you're a South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and you despise and loathe poor people. You're not actually going to come out and compare them to, say, "stray animals," are you? Okay, if you're Andre Brauer, maybe you will. (Pop quiz: Why shouldn't you feed stray animals? Bauer: "Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a human ample food supply.") Message: stop feeding the poor! They'll just keep having babies!

Or let's say you have an African-American President and you really hate the fact that he's black. You're not going to actually signal that you've got an inner racist lurking inside, are you? Well, if you're GOP operative Mike Green, maybe you are. Last year, Green tweeted: "JUST HEARD OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS." Cute, huh?

Take homosexuality as a last example. Now, once upon a time, it was perfectly fine for Republican politicians to be anti-gay. It was common knowledge that homosexuality was abnormal and immoral, right? So, GOP anti-gay rhetoric was in full swing.

Well, the times have a-changed, of course, and the new Republican watchword for homosexuals is: tolerance. They don't endorse the homosexual lifestyle, naturally, but they don't condemn it either. They...tolerate it. You know, like you tolerate the annoying neighbor kid who practices his electric guitar at night. Oh, you might hate him on the inside but....you tolerate him. Sometimes, you even try to hook up with them in airport bathrooms. But you don't air your true feelings.

Every once in a while, though, we get to peek behind the Republican Iron Curtain of Truth and see what these guys really think. This time, it is courtesy of New Hampshire State Representative Alfred Baldasaro. Here's the scoop:

Baldasaro's state allows homosexuals to marry (one of the few states in the union that do). And Baldasaro would like to repeal this law and ban same-sex unions. In addition, he's really tired of gay couples taking in orphans and giving them shelter, food and education. (The fiends!) And, as you would expect, Baldasaro has some legitimate reasons for opposing gay marriage and adoption, right?

Wrong. In his testimony before the State House, Baldasaro gave one of his reasons for trying to repeal the legislation. Ready?

"I wanted to make sure everyone understood here, that this legislature sold the rights of $10,000 per kid under title four, when they said that homosexual couples, not married, can adopt."

"So we sold each kid to a homosexual couple that's not married for $10,000," Baldasaro said.

Hear that, Granite Staters? You're not just allowing gay couples to form legal, binding unions and raise kids. No, no. You're selling children for $10,000 a pop. Why, you're practically white slavers! You monsters!

You'd think that this outburst would be enough for this particular elected official, wouldn't you? I mean, after that gem, don't you figure that one of Baldasaro's staffers might tug him on the sleeve and say, sotto voce, "Alfred! Alfred, shut up!"

But no. Alfred wasn't near done:

Baldasaro also brought up incestuous couples, asking "aren't we discriminating against all them?"

Alfred Baldasaro. Looking after the interests of kissin' cousins in the great state of New Hampshire since 1987.

Wait. There's more?

"What about the Muslims now?," he asked."Everyone's praising the Muslims. They're killing us. What about them, they want three, four wives. We're discriminating against them."

Hoo-boy. You've got to hand it to this guy. When he goes off the deep end, he goes waaaaaay off.

Now, you'd also think that a guy who was so clearly homophobic would know better than to include in his diatribe anything suggestive. Anything that could be misconstrued as sexual innuendo, am I right? Sure I am. But as a really early Christmas present, Representative Baldasaro let fly this beauty:

Um...Mr. Baldasaro, in your own words, why can't you let this issue go?

"[B]ecause I disagree on something that's pushed down my throat, I'm supposed to roll over because, representative, you think it's normal? I'm sorry you got the wrong person."

So let's make one thing perfectly clear, you pro-gay New Hampshirites: Do not try to push anything down Representative Baldasaro's throat. Because no matter how hard you try to push it in, Baldasaro is not going to roll over.

I think that's best for all concerned, don't you?

A Cold Cup o' Joe

2010-01-26T07:15:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Joseph "Douchebag" Lieberman is considering running for re-election and, suffice it to say, his prospects of winning are grim. Remember, this is the guy who was defeated in the Democratic primary in Connecticut last time around and responded by bucking his party and running as an Independent (and, somehow, winning).

He then went on to become Thorn #1 in the side of the Democratic Party, throwing his weight around as the former 60th Senator, bolloxing up the health care bill and, most egregiously, campaigning for John McCain last year (even going so far as to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention).

Bottom line: Everybody Hates Joe.

So, how can he win? Well, according to Talking Points Memo, the answer is simple. Run as a Republican. After all, Joe is only nominally a Democrat and it's been years since he acted like one. Why not end the charade?

In his own words:

When asked if he would run as a Republican, Lieberman immediately said that
"it's possible. A good old-fashioned New England moderate Republican."

Yeah, good luck with that whole thing, Joe.

You putz.

John Must Be Throwing a Fit

2010-01-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Well, you could knock me over with a feather. Mrs. McCain...she likes the gays!

Cindy McCain, wife to Arizona Senator, would-be President and former Maverick John McCain has posed for a pro-gay marriage website called the No H8 Campaign. As you can see, she wears a duct-tape gag over her mouth and has the logo for No H8 painted on her face.

McCain was presumably prompted to pose for this ad by her daughter, Meghan, who has long broken with the Republican orthodoxy regarding this issue. To the GoOPers, it's pretty black and white: gay marriage=bad.

Well, not for these Republicans.

Good on ya, Cindy!

Massholes

2010-01-20T11:28:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Well, they did it. The wise and thoughtful voters of Massachusetts went and filled Ted Kennedy's Senate seat with a freakin' teabagger.

Unbelievable.

This is bad in many, many ways. (In a couple of ways it's good, too, but let's face it: it's mostly bad.)

First, kiss health care reform good-bye. Unless the Democrats can pull off an incredibly clever stunt and get the bill passed in...oh, about two days...this thing is toast. Between Brown and that lickspittle Lieberman, the bill will either die an agonizing death or get so gutted it will reform absolutely nothing.

Oh, and energy? Wave politely at that issue as it walks out the door, too. We've got one of those "Drill, baby, drill!" morons taking up the 41st seat on the other side of the aisle.

Another stimulus package? Ain't gonna happen either. Not with a newly christened Senator No taking up that chair.

Shoot, they might even get the Democrats to lie down and allow the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy to stand. Don't believe me? Just watch.

What a bunch of puss-buckets. How dare the voters of Massachusetts elect the one guy who can successfully kill health care reform, the main issue championed by the man whose office he is inheriting?

And the worst part? Massachusetts already has universal health care. This is a typical example of "I've got mine, now it's time to pull up the ladder behind me."

Hey, Massachusetts? Have I got your attention? Good.

Fuck you, Massachusetts.

Sing It With Me!

2010-01-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

One of these things is not like the other.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Can you tell which thing is not like the other

By the time I finish this song?

Kennedy's Seat

2010-01-18T07:43:00.001-08:00

by Kevin Theis

So things are heating up in Massachussetts (did I spell that right?) this week with a special election tomorrow to fill the vacant Senate seat formerly occupied by Edward Kennedy. The big news is: liberal Massachussetts seems poised to fill the seat with a Republican and, what's worse, a tea-bagger Republican to boot. That sound you're hearing is Teddy doing graveyard cartwheels in his coffin.

The word is that the MA voters- who are three-to-one Democrats- are ginned up to use this election as a referendum on the Obama administration, specifically to reject his health care reform plans. This is particularly galling as no one was more in favor of health care reform that Kennedy himself. So...what's going to happen tomorrow?

Well, call me a cockeyed optimist, but I believe the hype is overblown. At the end of the day, it is my believe that the Democrat- Coakley- will defeat the GOoPer- Brown, but that the story will be spun to talk about how "close" it was and how this election is a "warning shot" across the bow of the Democratic Party. It will, unfortunately, cause more Democrats to waver in their resolve to fix health care. This will occur no matter who wins.

I'm trusting you, my Massachussetts brothers and sisters, to get out the damned vote tomorrow and send Brown packing by decisive margins. Only a clear victory by Coakley will stop the anti-Obama juggernaut in its tracks.

Get out the vote, people!

Blue (and Red) Oyster Cults

2010-01-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

When I was growing up in the early- to mid- 70's, cults were all the rage.

This is not to say that cults did not exist before the 70's- far from it. But at the time, Americans were turning inward and self-examination was what the times they were a-changin' into. This led to a lot of people looking far outside of their comfort zones in an attempt to "find themselves" and charistmatic "religous" leaders snapped up these self-seekers by the armload. The more gifted of these modern messiahs had the ability to build up enormous followings and amass millions upon millions of dollars. The modern cult was born.

Now, cults, as you may know, come in all shapes and sizes. For the ultra-violent dirty hippie crowd, you had the Manson "Family." Charles Manson convinced a farmload of freaky-deaky kids that he was the Second Coming and they went out and slaughtered people at his direction. The images of the young men and women who followed "Charlie" (as well as the terrifying pictures of Manson himself) served to turn the peace-loving hippie stereotype on its head. (And, not incidentally, to ruin the Beatles' "White Album" for a whole hell of a lot of people.)

For real follower followers, though, you had Sun Myung Moon, who ran an outfit called the Unification Church. Well, that's what they called it. We called them "Moonies." Mass-marriages, huge business deals and, as a bonus...they brainwashed your ass. Boo-scary!

Got some extra cash and a lot of free time? Maybe Scientology is your racket. Rid yourself of engrams and all your money at the same time! Or if chanting, colorful costumes, provocative hairstyles and names with very few vowels in them was your thing, the Hare Krishas were more than happy to have you aboard.

But the big news in cults back in the seventies came from South America. In November of 1978, the news broke that over 900 people had died/were killed in Guyana at the headquarters of the People's Temple in Jonestown. For those of you too young to remember, this was a cult started up by a guy named Jim Jones that began in Indiana, transferred to California and eventually settled at its own compound down near the Equator. When the entire compound self-immolated, the Jonestown massacre resulted in the largest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until 9/11/01. And that's saying something.

This horrifying event led to a worldwide backlash against cults which, to a large degree, worked. People, for the most part, stopped running off to join up with such groups and the leaders that inspired such movements weren't fooling very many people anymore. The modern cult movement was, suddenly, dying.

Now? Cults are alive and well again. Only, we don't call them cults anymore. We call them movements. The latest, the "Tea Party" movement, is one such cult. An anti-tax movement protesting a President who...hasn't raised taxes. Can you get more brainwashed than that?

The Fox News cult is bigger than the Hare Krishnas and the Moonies put together. Right wing bloviators, parroting GOP talking points and then spurring their viewers on to criticize and bemoan every move this president makes (good or bad, helpful or otherwise)? That's an uber-cult, baby. And they know how to rake in the cash.

The Apple cult. The Microsoft Cult. The Cult of Glenn Beck. The Cult of NPR.

And then there are the two biggest cults of all: the GOP and the Democrats. And, yes, I include myself as a member of the latter. But that doesn't mean it isn't as much of a cult as the other side. We both have strict orthodoxies, we are both big into recruiting, we have the most sacred sorts of sacred cows, we deify our leaders and excommunication (unless in extreme circumstances) is very rare. Oh, and we also dutifully shovel money at them. Cults. That's what they are.

So while we're not spoon feeding poisoned Kool-Aid to kids or hitting people up for cash in airports, is this really part of a healthy society? A blind obedience to our ideological masters?

I dunno. But until the other side disbands their cult, I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, everybody, now pass the plate...

Heads in the Sand

2009-11-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

There is little left open to debate when it comes to climate change. That emissions from automobiles, factories and homes has forever altered weather patterns, shrunk icebergs and raised sea levels is now established fact. Only the truly far-right wing fringe dares to suggest that global climate change is a fantasy. The only question is: what do we do about it and how fast can we do it.

To address this issue, the United States Senate convened a meeting of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee to address this urgent matter. And that's when things got ugly. From CNN:

"Republicans boycotted a Senate committee hearing Tuesday on a major bill to
reduce emissions of greenhouse gases that contribute to climate change."

Charming. As with the health care debate, the stimulus package and virtually every other important piece of legislation that this Congress and this President want to address, the Republicans are digging in their heels and cementing themselves as the "Party of No."

I don't just mean that they are not contributing to the debate and trying to stifle discussion of these matters. Its worse than that. They are the party of no ideas, no solutions, no flexibility, no fairness, no obligation to their constituents and no soul.

Chairman Barbara Boxer continued the meeting, despite the absence of the minority party members and good for her. We cannot continue to let these morons try to run the show.

They're the minority party. Let's treat them that way.

In An (Upstate) New York State of Mind

2009-11-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

In case you missed it, the drama unfolding in New York State's 23rd District is- for political junkies- the equivalent of pure, uncut heroin.

Here's the Reader's Digest version: New York's 23rd is a solidly Republican district. They haven't elected a Democrat to Congress since the 1800's. So when the Republicans nominated Dede Scozzafava to run for the seat, it seemed a done deal. The Democrats put up a guy named Bill Owens, but nobody seriously expected Owens to win. And that was that.

Well, not quite. See, Ms. Scozzafava has one little problem: she does not hew to the GOP party line. She has her own opinions about abortion (she's pro-choice) and same-sex marriage (she's pro-marriage equality) and these opinions, among others, caused some of the more extreme elements of the Republican party to question whether or not she truly represented Republican values (she doesn't, thank God). Their decision? Put up a third-party "Conservative" candidate, Doug Hoffman.

Now, Hoffman- he's a party animal. As The Atlantic describes him, he says "no to gay marriage, no to abortion, no to tax hikes, yes to strong defense, no on the stimulus bill, no to cap and trade." In short, a GoOPer's wet dream. Sure, he doesn't actually live in the district or have any awareness of the issues facing voters in the 23rd district. But who cares? He doesn't like gay people and wants to stop women from exercising control over their bodies and that's all that really counts, isn't it?

So Hoffman is tapped to run against Scozzafava and Owens and the minute that happens, the GOP starts to fracture. Half of the wingnuts- and we're talking about the far right of the party- gravitate to Hoffman. These endorsements come from from such GOP luminaries as Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Fred "Sleepy" Thompson, Gary Bauer, Dick Armey, Rick "Santorum" Santorum and Steve Forbes. (Frankly, if that group endorsed me, I'd leap off a bridge.)

Scozzafava, however, was backed by the party-line guys. Newt Gingrich and Michael Steele (the GOP Chairman) were duty-bound to back the party's candidate, albeit tepidly. And so the race was on.

Immediately benefiting from this fracture was, of course, Democrat Bill Owens. Nothing like a little opposition party friction to boost your campaign, right? According to last week's polling, Owens was running a little ahead of Scozzafava and a lot ahead of Hoffman.

But that was last week. This week, two political shockers arrived: first, Scozzafava announced that she was suspending her campaign. The immediate thought was: kiss it good-bye Owens. This election is over.

But then the second half of the shocker arrived: Republican Scozzafava was endorsing...the Democrat. Owens was getting Scozzafava's backing and Hoffman was offered the opportunity to go pound sand.

So now...it's really on. All three candidates will appear on the ballot tomorrow. Supporters are pouring cash into the race. And by tomorrow night, New York's 23rd will either have a Conservative Party Congressman or the first Democratic Congressman in over a hundred years.

Should be fun.

Going...to Throw Up

2009-10-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

The mystery is over. She got a mil and a quarter. Read it and weep:

Sarah Palin reports she received $1.25 million as a retainer for her upcoming book "Going Rogue." The former Alaska governor says in her financial disclosure statement released Tuesday that she received the money from publisher HarperCollins. Palin, the former GOP vice presidential candidate, resigned in July. She kept a fairly low profile as she worked with her book's ghostwriter.

So how much did the ghostwriter get? A substantial fee or, as Levi said to Bristol, "Can I give you a little tip?" (Ooooh, that's bad.)

More:

Palin is regarded as a possible 2012 contender for the presidency. Past candidates, notably Barack Obama, have been helped by writing best-selling books, invaluable platforms for politicians to tell their story.

Yeah, except Barack actually wrote his books. No ghosts needed.

So the couldn't-hack-it-so-she-quit ex-Governor of Alaska walks away with a cool six figure deal, huh?

Jesus wept.

Mr. Wrong

2009-10-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

You would think that, in the pundit world, there would be rules about how often you can be dead wrong before your credentials are stripped away and you are no longer considered a Serious Journalist. This being the land of the free and the home of the brave, however, no such rules exist.

You can be wrong, wrong again and then dead wrong and still carry on as if nothing happened. Case in point: William Kristol.

I've written about Kristol before (he's "Pie-Face" to my regular readers (do I have regular readers?)) and his abysmal track record is there for anyone to see. He was a big Bush supporter (wrong), a strong backer of the war in Iraq (wrong), he predicted that Obama would never beat Hillary Clinton (wrong) and, most famously, Kristol was the guy who was responsible for bringing Sarah Palin to prominence (can you get any more wrong?).

So now Pie-Face is predicting the 2012 election. And guess who's going to win? Surprise! It's a super-duper right-wing conservative!

I suspect that the person most likely to break into this group of front-runners would be a businessman who stands up against President Obama's big-government proposals, a retired general who objects to Obama's foreign policy or a civic activist who rallies the public against some liberal outrage. If a Republican elected official emerges, it will probably be because he or she champions some populist cause, not because that person is a fine representative or senator or governor.

Yeah! Damn libruls! They're ruining the country! And after Bush took such good care of it, too!

This gets better, the more you read. See, in Kristol's world, this is not simply a center-right country, as many have claimed. It's a far-right country. And a far-right country, obviously, will want a far right candidate. The GOP itself, foundering because it keeps trying to tack to the center, MUST lurch sharply right or it will lose the base. So who best represents Republican (read: American) values? Who else?

The center of gravity, I suspect, will instead lie with individuals such as Palin and Huckabee and Gingrich, media personalities like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and activists at town halls and tea parties. Some will lament this -- but over the past year, as those voices have dominated, conservatism has done pretty well in the body politic, and Republicans have narrowed the gap with Democrats in test ballots.

That's right. The center of gravity is...way, way, way off to the right. I mean...Glenn Beck is good for the Republican Party? Only if GOP is going to stand for Glenn's Obama Paranoia.

These people- Palin, Gingrich, Beck and Limbaugh- are the most polarizing mouthpieces that the Republicans have to offer. And Kristol, that genius, is somehow claiming that they represent the bright and shining future of the party.

Okay, Bill. Whatever you say. Keep up the good work.

The Lady or the Tiger

2009-10-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

Here's the latest question among the politerati: Is Barack Obama comparable to Jimmy Carter or Ronald Reagan?

The question presumes two things: One- that Carter was a failure. Two- that Reagan was a success.

Given that the question is based on two complete fallacies: that Carter was awful and that Reagan was wonderful, I'd be happy to offer my humble opinion:

If Obama is more like Carter than Reagan- he's got my vote for a second term.

Easy.

More Good News

2009-10-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

...and lord knows we can use it, especially from this Senate Majority Leader. From CNN:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is poised to proceed with plans to introduce a Senate health care bill with a public health insurance option that would allow states to opt out, a senior aide to Reid toldCNN on Sunday.

Love it. Especially the "opt out" part of this bill. Mississippi and Alabama want to keep their votors from a public option choice? Let 'em. Nobody ever pleased the American voter by denying them something they desperately need.

So pass the bill and FORCE the GOP politicians to opt out and then...duck. Because when the people figure out how screwed they are, they'll strike back.

And hard.

Is Fox News...News?

2009-10-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

So the Obama Administration finally admits (like other well-known, commonly accepted factoids like "the sky is blue" and "grass is green"), that Fox News amounts to nothing more than a political media arm of the Republican Party and...well, people just freak out.

See, when Bush was in office, he was reknowned for his disdain for the press, but at least Bush hated every journalist. Not just one specific news organization. Bush knew that things like "questions" and "examination" led to things like "discovery" and "ending secrecy" so he steered clear of the press whenever he could.

But Barack? He's an open book. He talks to journalists every day. Hell, the press has started to complain that he's too available. Available to everyone, that is...but Fox News.

It is no secret that Fox, run by right-wing icon Rupert Murdock, is a Republican tool. They parrot the GOP party line, they use Republican Party talking points as their template for "reportage," and they consistently attack Obama at each and every turn, just as they did Clinton and every other Democratic politician.

But when the Obama administration decides to cut them off and deny them access, well...that's just not nice. Now, the poor Fox folks- they feel hurt. The attacks on them are just unfair. They're just like every other news organization, after all. Are they GOP oriented? Nooooo. Heavens nooooo.

To prove it, just go to the Fox News website. You'll see just how fair they are. Just take a look at some of their headlines:

"Obama Threatening Press Freedom?"

"10 Reasons for Moral Outrage"

"The World Turns On America and It's Weak White House"

"American YOU Can Still Stop ObamaCare!"

"Time For Obama to Stop Attacking Fox News and Grow Up"

Yes. Barack Obama is the one that needs to grow up. Not this bastion of fairness and responsibility.

Lord, no.

There's Only So Much Dick You Can Take

2009-10-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

By Kevin Theis

Former Vice President and Current Ass-Wart Dick Cheney was at it again this week, perhaps trying to overshadow his loudmouthed offspring (see previous post on the subject), offering a unique glimpse of what it must be like to see your shitty legacy crumbling before your eyes.

Here's the story- see, Dick Cheney (The Most Reviled Man on Earth (TM)) gets invited to speak in front of these über-conservative groups about every other week and the guys who invite him expect Dick to deliver the red meat. Dick doesn't disappoint.

To really view Cheney's remarks in context, however, it is important to remember one of the unwritten rules of politics. So, history lesson: Back in President Truman's day, when Harry was trying to sort through the Korean mess, political opponent and Republican Senator Arthur Vandenberg famously declared that "Politics stops at the water's edge."

In other words, when it comes to foreign policy, you back your President. You don't undermine him with criticism and carping behind his back. It's the political equivalent of Vito Corleone's motto about never discussing busines outside the family. It just ain't cricket, right?

But...things changed under George W. Bush. See, when Bush was pushing his war of choice in Iraq, some people started squawking. When the Patriot Act was introduced, criticism followed. When no WMD's were discovered in Baghdad, there was an outcry. And, little by little, the "water's edge" language didn't seem to matter anymore.

Except, of course, to the White House. The Bush Administration was outraged that un-American, hippy, liberal foreign policy apologists would DARE to say something untoward about Bush's overseas decisions. It was wrong. It was unpatriotic. It was....dangerous.

The Bush message could not be clearer: DO NOT criticize the President on foreign policy. Politics STOPS at the water's edge. Got it?

Back to today's news: now that the Democrats have a guy in the White House and Dick is outside looking in, how is he behaving? From CNN:

After a summer in which Dick Cheney dialed back his attacks on President Obama's national security polices, the former vice president told a conservative gathering Wednesday that the Obama administration had damaged America's relationship with key allies, dangerously wavered in Afghanistan, undermined progress in Iraq, and intentionally sabotaged the Bush administration's national security legacy.

Saying that Obama has "sabotaged the Bush administration's national security legacy" is a lot like saying "The exterminator killed all the rats and roaches, the heartless bastard." But never mind.

More:

In the hard-hitting and wide-ranging speech at Center for Security policy, Cheney targeted the new administration's decision-making process on how to proceed in Afghanistan, saying Obama has failed to give troops on the ground a clear mission or defined goals, and appeared "afraid to make a decision."

Damn right! I mean, if there's one thing the Bushies knew how to do it was make a decision. Bush was, after all, The Decider (TM). And when he made a decision, nothing stopped him from carrying it out. Not facts, not changing conditions on the ground, not piles of dead American
soldiers...nothing.

"The White House must stop dithering while America's armed forces are in danger," Cheney said. "Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries."

Hey, Dick- know what emboldens our adversaries? Calling the President a pussy, that's what. So the question is: Were the dirty fucking hippies who criticized Bush within their rights to do so when they did it? Or is Dick Cheney just a complete and utter hypocritical douchebag?

And yes, the question is rhetorical.

The Failure of Bipartisanship

2009-10-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

You gotta give the guy credit. When Barack Obama was campaigning, he swore that he would try to reach across the aisle and create a more bipartisan Washington.

Then, after he was elected - but before he took office - he renewed this pledge.

After he was sworn in...lo and behold...he kept his promise, attempting to forge a new coalition with the opposing party, giving the GOoPers a chance to work with him and try to heal the rifts created in the last eight years.

Well, we all see where that got him. He reached out and pulled back a stump. This means, for me, that the great bipartisan experiment is over.

Obama's a smart guy. He knows better than me that these people are not interested in working with him. They're out to get him. Embarrass him. Stop his policies from moving forward, no matter how much the public needs or wants them.

It's the same attitude Bush had when he took over from Clinton. See, Bush hated everything to do with Clinton, no matter how much sense the policy may have made, and spent the first year in office reversing Clinton's rules and dismissing all of his priorities.

Including a little thing called "keeping an eye on terrorists."

The result? Eight years of political, foreign policy and fiscal mayhem. The collapse of the financial system. 9/11. Katrina. Two unending wars. Deficits as far as the eye can see.

One of these days, and it may happen soon, Barack is going to wake up and say, "You know what? Fuck this shit! Those guys are out to get me? I'll get them. I'm from Chicago, motherfucker! Nobody messes with us."

After that, the fur will fly.

Can't wait.

Another GOoPer Shows Signs of Sanity

2009-10-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

Susan Collins, R-Maine, has good news for Barack Obama. And he could use some, these days. From HuffPo:

A second Republican senator signaled Wednesday she's open to voting for sweeping health care legislation this year, putting President Barack Obama closer to a historic achievement that has eluded generations of Democratic leaders.

But Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine, told The Associated Press that the bill approved Tuesday by the Finance Committee needs substantial improvements to make coverage more affordable, contain costs and protect Medicare. Nevertheless, she joined her Maine GOP colleague Sen. Olympia Snowe in endorsing the goal of far-reaching changes.

Okay, so there's two really important pieces of news here: First, Obama has taken a step closer to passing health care reform this year. That's good. But the second bit of news is the caveat that Collins wants to make "substantial improvements" to the bill. In other words, weaken it. That's bad.

"My hope is we that can fix the flaws in the bill and come together with a truly bipartisan bill that could garner widespread support," Collins said in an interview. "I think this bill is far superior to the ones passed by the Senate (health) committee and the three House committees, but it needs substantial additional work."

The mind reels to think of what the Senate will do to gut this legislation and then, God help us, what the House will do to it once they get their hands on it.

Still and all, the news is mostly good. So I'll take it. But every time this bill passes through some committee or other, it gets watered down. What, at the end of the day, will we end up with?

No Soup(er Bowl) For You!

2009-10-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

So Rush "Leader of the Republican Party" Limbaugh decides that he wants to join a group of investors seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams. But, as it turns out, Limbaugh's toxic personality was too much for the NFL and, it seems, his partners. From CNN:

The group of investors seeking to purchase the NFL's St. Louis Rams is dumping Rush Limbaugh from their effort after NFL executives, players and political leaders raised objections to the controversial talk show host's involvement in the bid.

Aw, poor boo-boo kitty. He isn't going to be able to play with the big boys. That's just...well, it's awful isn't it?

Sports media executive Dave Checketts, who is leading the group, announced the
decision in a statement issued Wednesday by his office. "Rush was to be a limited partner — as such, he would have had no say in the direction of the club or in any decisions regarding personnel or operations," the statement said. "This was a role he enthusiastically embraced.”

Yeah, because if it's one thing Rush loves, it's having no say in anything and not being involved in any actual decisions. Right.

"However, it has become clear that his involvement in our group has become a
complication and a distraction to our intentions; endangering our bid to keep
the team in St. Louis. As such, we have decided to move forward without him and
hope it will eventually lead us to a successful conclusion."

And that big "splash!" you hear is ol' Rush being tossed overboard.

On the bright side, it's too late for him to buy the Cubs. Maybe he should just invest his money in one of those pharmaceutical companies. I hear they have customers fairly beating down their doors...

...And Justice for All

2009-10-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

You gotta love the American judicial system. Sometimes, boy, they get it just right:

Orly Taitz, the southern California dentist/lawyer who has filed numerous suits challenging President Obama's citizenship, yesterday was fined $20,000 by a federal judge in Georgia for using the courts "as a platform for a political agenda disconnected from any legitimate legal cause of action."

So one of these "birther" nuts is finally handed a fine for abusing the law. Beautiful. But it gets better:

The penalty was double what [Judge Clay] Land had been contemplating and merited a footnote indicating that it was the first time he could recall fining a lawyer without being asked to do so by a complaining party.

Catch that? The judge didn't respond to a complaint about the lawyer. He just got pissed off and fined the sucker. More:

In an added rebuke, Land ordered a prosecutor to look into whether Taitz's fine
could be directed to the National Infantry Foundation at Ft. Benning, Georgia,
"which has as part of its mission the recognition of our brave soldiers who do
their duty regardless of the personal sacrifice required and their own personal
political beliefs."

Ha! So - adding insult to injury - the money will go to the troops. Boo-yah!

Who is Taitz, you ask?

Taitz, of Mission Viejo, Calif, is among the highest profile birthers, a persistent, noisy and thoroughly discredited subculture of conservatives who believe Obama is ineligible to be president by virtue of circumstances connected to his birth.

Hey, Orly- you ever get in trouble over this sort of thing before?

A day after telling a political blog that the federal judge who threw out her
case was corrupt and might merit a trial for treason, leading Obama birther Orly
Taitz was slapped with a California Bar complaint alleging professional
misconduct.

Yoicks! Keep it up, Taitz! You're doing a heckuva job!

No matter what happens for the rest of the day, this will doubtless be my favorite story.

Revenge of the Cheneys

2009-10-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

So Dick has slipped back into his undisclosed bunker and only nips out now and then to appear on a talk show or two and try to do what he can to salvage his tarnished legacy. That, you would think, would be the end of that.

After all, here's the most unpopular VP in our history, the man behind the Iraq War, Mr. Wiretap, Senor Secrecy, Shotgun McShooty...truly the definition of the wart on America's behind. You'd think slinking off would be the least he could do.

But no. See, he's got a daughter who is fixated on trying to keep the Cheney brand alive and well. And let me tell you: this chick is as moonbat-crazy as her Dad. Take it away, Liz!

Months after her father's prolonged campaign against President Obama's national
security policies, Liz Cheney is spearheading a new organization aimed at
organizing conservative opposition to the new administration's foreign policy
approach.

Really? We should go back to the good ol' days, maybe, of diplomatic arrogance, cowboy foreign policy and an attitude towards our allies around the world that amounted to standing in front of the U.N. and flipping them the bird? That's the plan, is it?

The new group, Keep America Safe, says its aim is to provide a cogent and
organized rebuttal to a series of recent moves that expressly divert from the
more muscular policies of the Bush administration. The group plans to tackle
hot-button issues like the way forward in Iraq and Afghanistan, defense
spending, CIA interrogation techniques and the planned closing of the Guantanamo
Bay detention facility.

Mmmm. Don't you love that line? "Muscular policies." Sounds great, dunnit? After all, who doesn't like a nice, manly, muscular policy? Am I getting you excited?

"We have watched with concern and dismay as the Obama administration has cut
defense spending, wavered on the war in Afghanistan, and launched investigations
into Americans serving on the front lines of the war on terror, while at the
same time expanding legal protections for the terrorists that plot to attack
this country," Cheney, along with the group's two other founders, wrote on its
Web site. "These policies, along with President Obama's abandonment of America's
allies and attempts to appease our adversaries are weakening the nation."

And, speaking for those of us on the left, Liz-baby, we have watched with concern as your father subverted the Constitution, abandoned American principles, promoted torture and was responsible for the unnecessary deaths of thousands of Americans in a pointless war of choice against a sovereign nation, among many, many other things.

In short, Liz, to quote your Dad: Go fuck yourself.

Nazi Hilarity!

2009-10-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

You think Glenn Beck's whine that Fox News is as beleaguered as the Jews during the Holocaust is an abberation? Don't bet on it. Turns out the Republicans are ramping up the Hitler analogies to new (knee-slapping!) heights. Have a look:

The National Republican Congressional Committee has removed a tweet Tuesday that linked to a video comparing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with Adolf
Hilter.

The tweet, sent out Tuesday morning on their official Twitter account, read: "Funny Video: Moonbattery: Hitler Reacts to ObamaCare Maneuvers".

Full disclosure: Last year, during the primaries, I linked to a similar site that mocked Hillary Clinton's refusal to withdraw her candidacy and the video featured a clip from a Hitler film. Was it appropriate? No. Was it funny? Yes. Was it okay for me to do that? Maybe, maybe not. But then....I'm not the National Republican Congressional Committee, now, am I?

NRCC spokesman John Randall said Tuesday the group had made a mistake. "We
obviously made an error in linking to this video and it has been taken down,"
said Randall.

Well, duh. But if you think this is the last of the Nazi comparisons, stay tuned. More- much more- to come.

More Beck

2009-10-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's an old rule of trying to make a point: If you compare someone to the Nazis, you're making a crappy argument.

Hitler, the Nazis, the Holocaust...these are the most inflammatory references you can make. They are pure, distilled evil. So when try to compare something to them, you're really doing two things- you're diminishing the significance of the horror that was the Holocaust and you're making the person you're attacking sound much more important than they are.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, going on in this country in the past half century- even George W. at his worst- compares to what the Nazis did. Not a single thing. We are, after all, talking about the deliberate destruction of six million human beings. What, honestly, can compare to that?

Well, according to Glenn Beck, President Obama's treatment of Fox News compares quite favorably to the Holocaust. Have a look:

When they're done with Fox, and you decide to speak out on something. The
old, "first they came for the Jews, and I wasn't Jewish." When you have a
question, and you believe that something should be asked, they're a -- totally
fine with you right now; they have no problem with you.

When they're done with Fox and talk radio, do you really think they're
going to leave you alone if you want to ask a tough question? Do you really
think that a man who has never had to stand against tough questions and has as
much power as he does -- do you really believe after he takes out the number one
news network, do you really think that this man is then not going to turn on
you? That you and your little organization is going to cause him any hesitation
at all not to take you out?

If you believe that, you should open up a history book, because you've
missed the point of many brutal dictators. You missed the point on how they
always start.

Charming, isn't he? Also shameless, pedantic, arrogant, whiny and downright stupid.

But we've come to expect this sort of thing from little Glenny, haven't we?

Obama Gets the Olympia!

2009-10-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

This from CNN moments ago:

"Health care reform advocates got a major boost Tuesday as Maine Sen. Olympia Snowe, a key GOP moderate, announced she will vote for the Senate Finance Committee's $829 billion health care bill."

Good for her. Just goes to show you that they ALL aren't bad guys on the other side of the aisle.

Just most of them.

The Beck Phenomenon

2009-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a difference half a year makes. About the time I made my last blog post here at the Hood, Glenn Beck was nothing more than a lowly pundit with shitty ratings, no influence and was, in essence, an industry joke.

Now? He's the wunderkind of Fox News, the bane of the Left and...an industry joke. Still, if the joke works, you don't toss it out. You gotta go with what gets ratings, even if it's crap. "Dancing with the Stars" never lost money, did it?

So now Beck is everywhere. Whipping up the troops for the Teabagger protests, scratching his paranoid musings on a giant chalkboard like some deranged psycho in a basement contemplating a takeover by the Illuminanti and, without warning and to great histrionic effect, bursting into tears when he feels his country is in danger by that racist sumbitch Obama.

Who the hell is this clown? How in the Sam Hill does he gain followers? Who, at the end of the day, could take such an obvious, bloviating gasbag seriously?

Turns out, a lot of people. Oh, we're a gullible nation, my friends, and there isn't a leader too ridiculous to get disciples. True, Beck's "legions" are a small, tiny fraction of our great nation but...these people are coo-coo bananas. If anyone actually pulls out a gun and starts shooting at one of these rallies, you can bet that they are regular Beck watchers.

I'm serious. Guys like Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh are whipping up their supporters into a frenzy. They warn these gun-toting whack jobs that the country is in danger from Obama and then act all surprised when it is suggested that one of their kook listeners might take things into their own hands and shoot up the place someday.

Well, I'm here to tell you: the country is in danger. But it isn't necessarily from the guys with the guns. It's the guys...with the microphones.

Nine Months

2009-10-12T13:17:00.001-07:00

So, President Obama has been in the Oval Office for almost exactly the same amount of time that it takes to make a baby, start to finish. (Though "finish" doesn't seem quite the right word. Afterwards, you're hardly "finished." But that's a discussion for another day. Now back to our regularly scheduled program:)

So...how's he doing? Well, he's already got George W. "Chimpy" Bush beat: by this time in Bush's presidency, there were two less skyscrapers in New York City and the Pentagon was in flames. But is it fair to compare Obama to Bush? Not really. Kinda like comparing a greyhound to a retarded squirrel. All attempts at comparison fail.

How about to Bill Clinton? He was a pretty good President (if you put aside all that intern-boinking business, I mean). By this time in Clinton's presidency? He was pretty much considered a failure by then, based on the press reports at the time. The "gays-in-the-military" issue really smacked him in the face from Day One and it took a long time to become Mr. Popularity. (In fact, he didn't become really REALLY popular until after the right-wing hate machine went after him and he survived his impeachment. But we don't wish that on Barack, do we?)

I guess you'd have to judge Barack on his own merits, eh? To that end: He's kicking ass. Keeping campaign promises. Reversing draconian Bush rules. Concentrating on health care reform in his first term, like he said he would. Trying to broker peace in the Middle East right up front, too (instead of in his last year like his two predecessors.) Making sure "diplomacy" is no longer a dirty word in Washington. Winning Nobel prizes. Lookin' sharp. Dressin' fine. Feelin' good.

The Chimpy stink isn't quite off the rose yet. We're still recovering from the Bush Recession and will be for some time. Climate change isn't going to be easy to combat either. And health care reform is close, but there's no bill to sign. Yet.

I'm a pretty serious Obama backer, but in the interests of fairness, I'm giving him a B+ instead of an "A." Still too much to be done by his one-year anniversary to warrant top marks.

But he's moving in the right direction, that's for damn sure. How can you tell?

The right-wing media machine wants his HEAD. That's a dead giveaway that he should keep up the good work.

Rachel Maddow - Real Reporting

2009-08-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

Two fantastic reports:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Getting Out Of The Kitchen

2009-07-04T05:13:00.000-07:00

In yet another strategically brilliant move by Team Winky - a Brain Trust appropriately consisting of several small children and a Snowmobile Champeen with the public personality of a rural mailbox - Winky the Elder - in the midst of two wars, the ongoing Health Care Crisis, Financial Crisis, Climate Crisis, and record Unemployment - has decided to step down from the Alaska Governor's Office - apparently in order to better Save Us All From the Evils of Socialism.

Not the kind of Textbook Socialism where you take big oil revenues taxed by your State and parcel them out to its residents in check form, annually - no. It's that other kind: the kind foisted on an Unsuspecting Old Testament God-fearing Real American Public - all 20 or so million of them - by that Muslim, No-Birth Certificate Carryin', Half-Caste, Communist Anti-Christ now occupying the White House.

Saving us all from Socialism, though, seems only to be one of several reasons the Mayor of Moosejaw is abandoning her elected post. Fiscal Responsibility - in everything except clothing expense - seems to be running neck and neck as the Excuse Du Jour, too. That is to say, too much of the taxpayers money and the Governor's time have been taken up by the resolution of Ethics Complaints, as opposed to dealing with the affairs of the State, itself. (They're all resolved in her favor, now - so: time to quit!) Uh - the Media Is Mean is one, certainly, as far as I can tell. Her friends are going on record to let us know that she Doesn't Like Her Life Right Now - and ain't that a goddamn shame?

There are darker rumblings around about a large impending criminal investigation involving the purchase and building of her family's home - but I guess we'll just have to wait and see on that. Just as I guess we'll have to wait and see if Winky can ever come up with any kind of programs or ideas or simple thoughts that might benefit her constituants - or the general public as a whole.

Nawwwww - why bother with that when you can just as easily - and much more profitably - stand in front of a pack of howling bigots, and work them into a primordial frenzy by vomiting out the most dangerous McCarthyistic propaganda in 50 years? Then act all hurt and sad when you get some right back atcha. Then lie up and down and all around about what you were actually trying to do. "I was just following orders." (Now where have I heard that before?) And what part of this process didn't we all learn in 10th grade? (Obviously not the members of the sage American Press Community.)

Or you could have your teenage child pose on the cover of magazines as an Advocate For Abstinance - wearing her graduation gown and toting that born-out-of-wedlock baby on her hip. Hopefully, when both those kids are of legal age, they'll sue you and that lunk you - uh - HAD to marry, Abstinance Grrl - for Destructive Mind Control.

"Don't fuck like we do - fuck like we say!"

Sez Winky: "It's all about choices!" (Her punctuation.) Which would refer to, one would assume, only those choices made for, and sanctioned by, Winky the Christian, But My Way. And let me just throw a quick Sidebar at you here: for your summer reading pleasure - and extra credit! - run down a copy the Governor's Official Statement online. Trust me: it is a political document like none I have ever seen or read - outside of, say, a third-grade Social Studies class. The only thing that is missing are little circles dotting the "i"s.

It really must have been tough transcribing that from the original crayon. Hopefully, Harper Collins, after paying her 11 million dollars for her amazing story, will have someone skilled in the process.

In short, how long will this uniquely American Celebration of the Stupid - but, hey, sexy - Women go on? When will all the people who voice continual alarm at the lack of role models for young US girls put their money where there mouths are and actively hit the streets to categorically demand that the media outlets offer continual, informed coverage to those women - Democrat and Republican, business and political leaders - who are actively, honestly dedicating their lives and work to the health and betterment of their fellow citizens?

I'll bet - and I could be way off base here - but I'll bet any one of them would be able to specifically answer that horribly unfair question, "What kinds of things do you read?"

I Used to Be a Blogger

2009-04-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

Creating a blog, as many millions of people know, is as easy as pie. And I don't mean difficult pie, mind you, like banana creme or lemon meringue. Nope. It's as easy as store-bought pumpkin pie the week before Thanksgiving. You just come up with a name, push a few buttons and just like that...a blog is born.

Maintaining a blog...that's something different. Even if you're a big-mouthed opinionated rascal like myself, keeping things flowing on a daily basis (with the job, the real career and the lovely family waiting in the wings clamoring for equal time) is durn near impossible.

Oh, sure. During the election? Who cared about the job? The acting or directing career? The fami-- well, that's different. Actually, the election was about the family, but you probably knew that. So yes, back in September and October, believe me-- I found the time.

These days? Well, it isn't as if I don't have an opinion about current events, certainly. For example, if I had the stray hours to properly cover it, I could have gone to town on the "tea bagging" events that occurred on April 15th. Oh, and the release of the torture memos? My word. The mind simply reels.

But the choice appears to me to be between covering it in a truly half-assed way (i.e. "Tea-bagging! They don't get it! Har-de-har-har! The double entendre is totally lost on them!) and writing about it properly, with a modicum of insight (i.e. "These people are protesting a tax hike that did not occur under this president!") But that would require finding two whole minutes to formulate thoughts, transcribe them in a coherent manner and (because I became addicted to the practice) finding an appropriate image to accompany the piece.

Those two minutes, apparently, have been better spent elsewhere. And frankly? I really, really miss writing on this site.

However, I am not going to once again pledge to start anew and keep current. I can't keep a promise like that, so why make it? All I can say is: I love sharing this site with the folks who are thoughtful enough to drop by, I deeply appreciate the comments by those few who care to offer their reactions and I hope never to completely walk away from this endeavor.

And, um....have you checked out that Sally Boyle lady? Holy crap! She can, like, really sing!

New Site Launch

2009-04-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

Just a brief announcement: the new Shanghai Low website goes live today. Have a look at http://www.shanghailow.org/ and let us know what you think, won't you?

Thanks. I'll be checking in again soon to try and revive was used to be a moderately interesting blog.

What Conservativism Really Means

2009-03-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

As brand names go, Conservatives have a great one. I mean, what's not to like about being "conservative?" You look at the term and you immediately think "That is something I would like to be, maybe. Not too extreme, not too reserved. Somewhere in between. Conservative. Yeah. I'm a Conservative."

Liberals, on the other hand, are saddled with a real doozy of a moniker. Ever wonder why "liberal" fell out of favor so fast (Betamax) while "conservative" (VHS) stuck around? Because "liberal" just didn't have the marketing. (Sure, Beta had a better picture but...you can't argue with fate, can you?)

You can just hear it: "Liberal? What the hell does that mean? You have no morals at all, do ya? You don't care what anyone does or who they do it to because, hey, you're 'liberal.' Why, I'll bet there's nuthin' you liberals won't allow, is there? Pinko, commie, tax and spend liberals!"

See how that works?

Here's the thing, though: "conservative" as a personal philosphy and "Conservative" (big "C") as a political ideology are two entirely different things. To illustrate, let's use an example of a person who has been in the news lately- media uber-star Rush Limbaugh.

Now there, ladies and gentlemen, is a Conservative. Can you think of a better touchstone for Conservative principles? I can't. So let's use him.

What- to begin with- does Rush stand for? Well, for one thing, he doesn't like government. Government, you see, is essentially bad. Government is intrusive. It tells you what to do. It's big and unweildy. And, let's not forget, expensive. Also, it has the audacity to make laws that you have to abide (like some schmuck!) instead of letting you snort all the controlled substances you want. Stupid government! Plus, Government gives assistance to people who are out of work, who are hungry, who are...dear God!...in the arts.

Oh, it gets worse. To accomplish this, the Government- are you ready for this?- takes your money. Your hard earned money! It just....takes it! Like a thief! And that, folks, is absolutely horrifying.

You see, like all conservatives, Rush likes his money. He wants to keep it. He'd like to keep pretty near all of it, or at least as much as he can. He certainly doesn't want it spent on anything he doesn't approve of (who does?), but...when you don't approve of Government to begin with, well...then you don't want very much of your money spent on it, do you?

So what have we got so far as a Conservative philosphy? Government= bad. Money=good. Okay, now we're cookin'.

Next? God. Now I know what you're thinking. What the heck does God have to do with politics? "Conservative" just means being smart, moderate and safe. You know- conserving. What does that have to do with religion? Turns out: a lot.

See, if you're a liberal, you clearly don't care about God. His laws mean nothing to you. You, for example, don't think there's anything wrong with gay people. Um, hello! Have you noticed that--- psst!--- they're, like, totally gay. God doesn't like that!

And He doesn't like women having control over their own bodies, either. Didn't you know that? If your uncle molests you or you get raped and- whoops!- it results in your getting pregnant, hey- too bad. Fetuses are people from the moment sperm and egg do the wango-de-tango. It doesn't matter if it was between a loving, married couple or the result of a violent encounter with a sexaul predator. Once you get knocked up, your body is no longer your own. So, ladies, forget about the termination of early pregnancy. The Lord is pretty clear on this point.

So given that those goddamn liberals are polar opposites on these points, where are the religious to turn? No place else to go but the Conservatives! And so they sign up for the GOP Kool Aid. But the religious folks in America, a long while back, got really, really smart about politics. "Heck," they said, "we can do better than simply join the Conservatives! We'll become their base! Yeah! That totally rocks! In a, you know, gospel rock kinda way."

And that's just what they did. They became what we now know as the Religious Right. And folks, these are the guys who really run the whole Conservative show.

So there you have it. The bedrock principles: Government sucks, money is great and God is all powerful and all controlling and woe betide the man who says otherwise.

Take these three principles, mix 'em up good and there's only one ingredient missing to complete our typical Conservative. Can you guess what it is? It isn't easy, so I'll just let you in on it:

Shameless, egocentric, hate-filled, love of one's self. In other words: being a Conservative means being an asshole...and never having to say you're sorry.

Think I'm being simply mean? Or that I'm throwing "asshole" around as if it were a meaningless term? I wish! Listen up, because this is the real thrust of this post:

The real magnet that draws so many people to the Conservative philosophy is- and I'm not joking- the idea that it is completely and totally fine for you to be a total dick.

For example, the environment. The primary philosophy of Conservatives regarding the environment is: who gives a shit? Leave the polluters alone! Don't enact emission restrictions or make compliance mandatory! Why would you handcuff industry like that? When....ahem...did any industry ever make a mess of the environment?

Oh, and another thing: it's fine to ignore science and claim that global climate change is a hoax. Go ahead! It's GOOD to ignore facts! Really! It's FINE.

You want other examples of shameless assholism? Here are a few things the Conservatives believe to their core: First- cut services to the poor. If people are poor, it is their own fault. Yes, people get laid off and their kids get hungry. But not smart people! For God's sake don't feed these dummies or (shudder) give them insurance! Besides, if you give the poor money they'll only spend it on booze. So please- stop helping the poor.

Oh, and feminists are stupid, ugly lesbians. All of them. And human rights for prisoners is for pussies. And unions are only for socialist societies. And the death penalty is hunky-dorey. And foreigners are despicable. (And weird. And often brown. Which is weirder.) And immigrants are destroying the country and should be shot by vigilantes whenever possible.

Some tips for Conservativs: Drive the biggest car you can. Wear fur every day. Laugh at the disadvantaged. View the working class as suckers. Sneer at the powerless. Why not? What are they gonna do? They're powerless!

Taken together, the philosophy of Rush Limbaugh (and, thus, the Conservatives in general) is simply this: Think only of yourself. Nothing matters beyond your own front lawn. The future is non-existent. Today is everything. Today's profits. Today's pleasures. Today's momentary, fleeting rewards.

So what begins as a logical, non-threatening philosophy becomes, when placed in the hands of politicians, the most awesome, evil, frightening force in the history of American politics. For now, yes- they are in disfavor. For now, at least, they are the minority.

Pray that it stays that way.

Oh, wait. I forgot. You're godless liberals aren't you? What the hell do you know about praying?

Heathens.

Lies, Lies and Damned Lies

2009-03-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the following, but I've quite a bit to say. Hang on tight.

This week saw the enactment, at last, of the Obama stimulus plan. And, yes, the stock market ticked up a bit, but it isn't wise to use the Dow Jones as much of a barometer anymore. As we've learned, the market is run by a gang of morons.

But the Obama Express just keeps rolling. Every week...hell, practicaly every day, the Administration rolls back another onerous Bush rule, drop-kicks another Bush regulation and is slowly, inevitably steering this country back on course.

The result? Obama is immensely popular. Americans, on the whole, can see that Obama is not only working hard- he's working smart. He's doing so much, in fact, that there is some criticism that he's doing too much, if you can believe that. My reaction to that is: leave the guy alone. He has eight years of bullshit to undo.

The right-wing punditocracy is going absolutely apeshit. "Socialism!" doesn't seem to have lost its sting as the GoOPer word of the year, so they're tossing that at Obama pretty hard. But darned if it doesn't stick. Some, as we've mentioned, are trying to get him to assume ownership of this loser economy. But, as we've demonstrated, this isn't his mess. It's Bush's mess and Barack is just doing the dirty work of picking up after the Chimp.

But it brings me to my main point: let's suppose, in some Bizarro World, that Barack Obama- president for less that two months, remember- is somehow responsible for our current financial disaster. I know he isn't. You know he isn't. But let's try, for a moment, to think like a right-winger. (Owww! It hurts!) Stay with me.

So...Barack is to blame for the tanking stock market, the loss of a million-plus jobs so far this year, my rapidly disappearing hairline...everything. Barack owns it ALL.

So explain something to me: If this is so...why was it that September 11th, 2001 was all Bill Clinton's fault? You remember this, don't you? In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, when the country was casting about to blame someone for the worst attack on American soil in our history, who did the right wing decide was the boogeyman? Bill Clinton.

"He didn't do enough to protect the country against terrorists! He didn't have a system in place during the transition to the new Administration! He was derelict in his duties! It was Clinton's fault!" Uh-huh. Forget Richard Clarke's testimony to the contrary. Forget that the 9/11 Commission laid most of the blame at the feet of the Bush Administration. Forget the bin Laden memo that Bush got (and ignored) a month before the attacks. Forget it all.

Bush was president for eight months when the attacks occurred in September of 2001. The Congress and Senate at the time were both in the hands of the Republicans. And yet who was to blame when those planes crashed into the towers? Bill Clinton. Believe it.

And yet here we are, less than sixty days after Obama was signed in and the economic mess is.....all Obama's fault.

Is it any wonder that the Republican party's popularity is in the toilet? They have no credibility, no morality, no inspiration and no leadership. Everyone with a brain can see these lying, wack-job, greedy, me-only fuckheads for what they are. And they CANNOT get their shit together. Hell, they're about to kick their newly appointed head of the GOP out of office less than three months after he took over! It is a party in disarray and thank goodness for that.

(My favorite poll from the past month is the one that shows the Democrats have more than a third of the country affiliating themselves with their party. The Republicans? Two points lower than the Independents. That's a party in huge trouble.)

Keep on rollin', Barack. We got your back. And you're doing great. Rock on.

Obama and the Stock Market

2009-03-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

It's interesting to watch what kind of tactics the Right is employing to lay the current economic crisis at the feet of our brand-spankin' new President. I mean, I know it makes no sense to blame the guy who has been in office for six weeks on the implosion of our national economy but...that's what these people need to do to regain power. They must blame Obama.

The latest attack involves the stock market. Have you noticed that it is in the toilet? Perhaps you have. So who is to blame for this disaster on Wall Street? Barack Obama, of course.

In today's Chicago Tribune, for example, there is this letter:

When Obama was elected, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed at 9,625. When he was sworn into office, it closed at 7,949, and this week it closed at 6,763. This represents a 30 percent reduction in the value of U.S. companies and investor wealth, over half of it while he was in office.

Well, gee whiz! When you put it that way, clearly the fault lies with Obama and his economic policies. Why, what a disaster this president is! Ooooh, the horror!

Put it another way however....

When Obama was elected (two months before he had any Presidential power at all and could begin to implement his economic policy), the Dow Jones was at 9,625. When he was sworn into office (and weeks before he could pass his economic recovery plan), it closed at 7,949. This week, days after signing his economic recovery plan into law (but before it has had a chance to begin working), it closed at 6,763.

In other words, the tanking stock market is still the proud property of George W. Bush. When Obama's plan kicks in, and it will happen soon, and the market stays in the hole, then you can balame Barack.

Until then...shut your pie hole.

Letting the Snake Eat Itself

2009-03-03T06:55:00.002-08:00

In case anyone was wondering, it is now official. Rush Limbaugh owns the Republican party.

Two days ago, I discussed how the conservative talk show blowhard had, for all intents and purposes, taken over the GOP. Honestly, I had no idea just how right I was. Events of the last 48 hours have confirmed that he is not simply the leader of the party. He holds the keys, drives the car and takes a switch to anyone who doesn't kow-tow to him.

Exhibit A: Republican Party Chair Michael Steele.

Over the weekend, Steele appeared on D.L. Hughley's television show and, when confronted with the accusation that Rush had taken over the GOP, responded that, no, in actuality, Steele was the head of the Republicans. Then he said:

"Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer. Rush Limbaugh's whole thing is entertainment. Yes, it is incendiary. Yes, it is ugly."

Whoops. Rush, suffice it to say, was not pleased.

Yesterday, the OxyContin spokesmodel got on his squawk box and let Steele have it with both barrells. Some selected quotes:

"Michael Steele, you are head of the RNC. You are not head of the Republican Party. Tens of millions of conservatives and Republicans have nothing to do with the RNC and right now they want nothing to do with it, and when you call them asking them for money, they hang up on you."

"It's time, Mr. Steele, for you to go behind the scenes and start doing the work that you were elected to do instead of trying to be some talking head media star, which you're having a tough time pulling off. I hope you figure out how to run a primary system. But it seems to me that it's Michael Steele who is off to a shaky start."

"Republicans, conservatives, are sick and tired of being talked down to, sick and tired of being lectured to, and until you show some understanding and respect for who they are, you're going to have a tough time rebuilding your party."

Man, somebody pinch me! I'm in left-wing, liberal, latte-sippin', Volvo-drivin', French-food eatin' heaven! When the GOP and Limbaugh are at each other's throats, well...order me up a ringside seat, won't you?

The question then became: What will Steele do? Will he dig in his heels and insist that the Republican agenda is not determined by some overweight pill-popping loudmouth? Will he show some backbone? Prove that he is, in fact, the leader of his party?

Don't you bet on it:

"There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership," Steele said Monday. He added, "There are those out there who want to look at what he's saying as incendiary and divisive and ugly. That's what I was trying to say. It didn't come out that way."

And:

"I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren't what I was
thinking," Steele told Politico. "I'm not going to engage these guys and sit
back and provide them the popcorn for a fight between me and Rush Limbaugh."

Too late, Mike! (munch, munch, munch)

And with that, Mr. Steele effectively put a sign around his neck that reads: "Limbaugh's Bitch."

So let the word go forth, throughout the land. There is no longer any question of who is the anointed head of the Republican party. And he is not, as you may have thought, the erudite African-American former lieutenant governor of Maryland and current head of the RNC. Nosiree Bob.

He is, in fact, the three-hundred pound thrice-divorced mouth-breather in front of the microphone in South Florida. And, as events have shown, you anger this beast at your peril.

Beware!

The GOP Straw Poll "Winners"

2009-03-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

So it appears that when you go to the CPAC meeting, you not only get the "pleasure" of hearing from such great minds as Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and other big-brained conservative luminaries. Oh, that's where the fun just begins. In addition to being serenaded by these mental giants, it turns out that you also get to participate in a straw poll.

So the question is, which one of the conservative superstars (there are so many!) will come out on top this year? I mean, the winner of the last two conservative straw polls was Mitt Romney, and he couldn't even manage to win the GOP nomination last year! (Loser!)

So who is this year's winner? Drum roll please.....................................................

The winner is:

Mitt Romney? Hmmm. That seems odd. Who were the other candidates? Let's see.

Ron Paul. Oookay. Sarah Palin. Right. Bobby Jindal. Yeesh. What a crew!

These are your front-runner's, eh? Well, all I can say is....

Good luck with that whole thing.

The New Head of the Republican Party

2009-02-28T19:34:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, party leaders- both Democratic and Republican- were chosen from their own ranks. In other words, either current or former politicians. Presidents are the usual choice, naturally (Barack Obama is the leader of the Democratic party at the moment obviously).

But sometimes you turn former Presidents for your leaders, for example: Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan were their party leaders even while out of office. Other choices include party chairmen like, say Howard Dean. Or House Speakers, a la Newt Gingrich. But they are always chosen from inside the ranks of the party.

Until this year. Now, ladies and gents, meet the Official Leader of the Republican Party: Rush Limbaugh.

He owns them. He dictates their message from on high. Right-wing politicians dare not incur his wrath. He is the power and the glory. And he is taking his show on the road.

My reaction to this new development?

Thank. God.

This is who we want leading their party. In our wildest dreams, we could not have chosen a better guy for them. (Okay, maybe Sarah Palin, but still...) He is perfect. Why?

Because he epitomizes the Right. He is bullheaded. Consistently wrong, and proudly so. A racist, narcissitic (yet self-loathing), hypocritical, drug-addled blowhard. Hell, he is the Republican party!

So...please join me in welcoming him. Long live King Rush! Huzzah!

Revenge of the Republican Jackasses

2009-02-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe the strategy plays well in Peoria, but the GOP has made their decision about how they are going to treat Barack Obama and they are sticking with it. The plan: obstructionism. At every opportunity. Do not propose actual solutions. Just block, block, block and hope it makes Obama look bad.

The latest, and most devious, of these plans is one that seizes on a small portion of the Congressional Budget Office's Budget and Economic Outlook for 2009-2019 to declare that the recession will end at the end of this year even without the stimulus package.

And, after all, who is better at predicting the future than the Congressional Budget Office? Here, for instance, is their January 23, 2008 prediction for what would happen in the 2008-2009 year:

The slowing U.S. economy is unlikely to sink into an election-year recession and an economic rebound could begin as early as next year as housing and financial market turmoil fades, the Congressional Budget Office forecast on Wednesday.

And we all know how well that turned out.

But, see, the real reason the GOoPers are grabbing at this issue is fairly simple: it's win-win for them. If the economy actually DOES recover in the next 12 months (even if Barack passes the stimulus package), they can say "So what? It was going to end on it's own regardless and the stimulus was just a big waste of money."

On the other hand, if the economy slips further downhill, they can really have some fun, saying "Obama caused things to get worse! If the stimulus hadn't passed, the trouble would have ended all on it's own! Now we're screwed....because of Barack Obama!"

Nobody ever said they weren't clever on the other side of the aisle.

Evil, maybe. But clever? Absolutely.

Plan B: Roll Over the Bastards

2009-02-10T07:46:00.000-08:00

Clinton promised bipartisanship, look where that got him.

Bush promised bipartisanship and lied through his teeth.

Obama promised bipartisanship and actually attempted it. His reward?

He got kicked in the face. His new GOoPer buddies went on the floor of the House and Senate and ridiculed him. They spread out across the blogosphere, the networks, the newspapers. They trashed his stimulus plan and offered nothing on their side but the same old bullshit that got us into this mess.

Now, Obama is learning the hard way that there is only one way to treat these animals: you get in your tank and you roll right over them.

He's got the votes to pass whatever measure he wants. Even in the Senate, three moderate (read: sane) Republicans have joined with him to put him over the much-needed 60-vote mark.

So my advice is: Do it. Do it without them. Hell, do it without their input. Capitulate in no way. They show you the finger, kick 'em in the ass. They put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs in the morgue.

That's the Chicago way, Barack. Go get 'em.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2009-02-05T08:14:00.001-08:00

Quite a whirlwind week in the White House, wouldn't you say? We've got all kinds of news and, as we've been lax in our posting, a lot of ground to cover. So let's see...

Obama's honeymoon came to a crashing end with the disclosures that three of his new appointees, Geithner, Daschle and Killefer, had a little problem paying the tax man. These were simply stupid mistakes, as Obama was quick to point out, and it gave him his first real black eye. Typical Republican response: "Of course Democrats want higher taxes. They don't pay them!" Har-dee-har-freakin'-har. Thanks for the punch line, Tim, Tom and Nancy.

This is especially galling in Daschle's case, as his former TV ads touting him as a "man of the people" going so far as to brag about him "driving his own car" became unintentionally high-larious when it turned out that his tax bill was due to his receipt of a chauffer wherever he went. Cute.

In the meantime, however, all kinds of good stuff happened. The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act was signed. Hoorah! The stimulus bill- imperfect though it may be- got through the House. Boo-yah! Despite some Republican grumbling, Geithner and Eric Holder were confirmed as, respectively, the Treasury Secretary and the Attorney General. Schweet!

Plus, as previously mentioned, no more Global Gag Rule on funding for family planning services overseas, an appeal to the EPA to allow California to make it's own emissions rules, an Executive Order limiting executive pay for those companies receiving bailouts...on and on and on.

Clearly the good news is far outweighing the bad. But the bad is...well, it's just embarassing.

The Stupid! It Burns!

2009-02-03T12:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, so once again it is freezing cold here in Chicago. Another in what seems like a wave of Arctic cold fronts is sweeping through my fair city and we all know what that means, don't we?

That's right: Letters to the editor about how the cold weather proves that there is no such thing as "global warming."

If you read a paper, you've seen them. Generally, they go something like this: "I'm glad Mr. Gore won his Nobel Peace Prize, but if he had to take out the garbage at my house he would know: there's no global warming in my back yard! It's freezing!" And presumably we're all supposed to go, "Gee, that's right! How can we believe in global warming when it's so bleedin' cold outside? Shouldn't we all be in Bermuda shorts? Why, it's all a lot of hokum!"

Which is why stupid people should not be allowed to use a computer.

Okay, they can use a computer, fine. After all, somebody's got to play Minesweeper. But newspaper editors should show better judgment than to print these nimrods. And yet...every year, it's the same thing. Over and over again.

To be clear: we are partly to blame, we on the correct side of this argument. Why? Well, because we chose the wrong expression. It isn't "global warming." It's really "global climate change." If you ask someone if they believe in global climate change when it's five degrees outside for the eighth day in a row, you're probably going to get a better answer than you would if you ask them about global warming. So really, we should have done better.

But please, can we just stop printing letters from the moron gallery? Please?

The Bart Simpson Defense

2009-01-29T14:33:00.001-08:00

Governor Hairball (D-IL) got up on his hind legs today and proclaimed his innocence. And I'll be honest with you, he was pretty convincing. After hearing him on the radio and then reading the transcript, I am now thoroughly convinced he's guilty. Let's parse this bag-a-la-douche, shall we? From CNN.com:

The governor firmly denied wrongdoing Thursday, as he has all week on television talk shows.

Well, if he said it on a talk show, it MUST be true...

"If I felt I did something wrong, I would have resigned in December," he said. "If I felt I violated a law, I would meet my responsibility, I would have resigned in December."

I love this guy. It isn't whether or not he actually did anything wrong. It's whether or not he felt that he did something wrong. But hey- he felt like what he did was okay so, badda-boom, it must be okay! Ipso facto! E pluribus and shit!

"I wouldn't put my family through this, I wouldn't put you through this, and most importantly, I wouldn't put the people of Illinois through this."

Aw, sure you would, you tool. Just like the Burris thing was a big poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Every day, in every way, you prove just what a collosal boob you are.

"But I didn't resign then, and I'm not resigning now, because I have done nothing wrong."

If I had a nickel for everything you did wrong, Roddy, I'd be able to afford to become the Junior Senator from Illinois. Know what I'm sayin'?

"How can you throw a governor out of office with insufficient and incomplete evidence?"

Brother, you just watch us.

Not One Vote

2009-01-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

So President Obama's stimulus package sailed through the House yesterday and is safely on its way to the Senate. So far so good. And in the spirit of bipartisanship, Mr. Obama, true to his word, reached out to the Republican members of the House and asked for their support for this desperately needed measure. Their response?

Not one Republican voted for it. Know why? Because the Republican leadership wouldn't allow it. That's some tight-fisted control, ladies and gents. Not one stinkin' vote.

On the other side, however, eleven Democrats managed to vote against it. This is for two reasons: first, these are men and women from very conservative districts and their constituents would look askance at them for voting for such an expensive measure. But the real reason: the Democrats let you vote the way you feel you should vote. (Do they occasionally twist arms? They do. But not like their GOoPer bretheren.)

And so, this measure will eventually pass with little or no Republican participation. And to that, I say: good. Fuck those guys. We don't need 'em. I admire Barack for reaching out to them, but if they don't want to play, well then- fuck 'em.

For those of you old enough to remember, this same thing happened in '93. Clinton was pushing his economic plan to get us out of the Bush slump and the Republicans (again, on cue) went apeshit. "It'll never work! Those tax and spend liberals are at it again! Armaggedon!"

So what happened? Seven-plus years of unprecedented growth in America. And Clinton got to take all the credit.

Keep it up, Barack. You're doing great. One measure by which you can judge how well you are performing is how vehemently the opposing party is fighting you. And judging by their reaction yesterday?

You're kicking ass.

Dear Barack...

2009-01-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

Maybe you knew this, maybe you didn't, but when Barack Obama first sat down at his desk in the Oval Office last week, the first thing he found in the drawer was a letter from his predecessor, George W. Bush. Bush was carrying on a tradition that began when Ronald Reagan left a letter to Chimpy's dad, the first (and legitimate) President Bush.

It is not common practice for the new President to release this letter to the press, but I have managed to put my hands on a copy (don't ask me how...thanks, Malia!) and I will now share it with you:

Dear Presnit O'Bama:

Feels pretty good, don't it? Sittin' in that big chair, lookin' out over that big, almost-round room and thinkin' "Boy howdy! I'm the freakin' President of the United States!". Gives you a rush, dunnit? It sure did to me.

You're probly wondering what to do first. Well, here's why I would do: Kick back, son! You earned it! Take the afternoon off and just bask in your own glory! Shit, my first day? I didn't let anybody in the room for hours. I just pulled the curtains and hopped around the room saying to myself "I'm the Preeeeee-sident! I'm the
Preeeees-I-Dent! I'm the Most Powerful! Man! In! The! World!" And then I ordered up some ribs and fries. Know why? 'Cause I could! I'm the muthafuckin' President!

It was really cool. I highly recommend it. And it's real important to enjoy that first day? Know why? Because the second day sucks.
I ain't kiddin'. You wouldn't believe the amount of reading I had to do in the past eight years! It was, like, every day. "I got a new memo from the Secretary of Defense!", "I got a letter from the President of Bigboobistan!", "I got a secret, coded message from the Vice President and it smells like sulpher!"

That shit just didn't stop. Know how I dealt with it? Brush clearin'. I'd mosey down to Crawford, strap on my boots and jeans and clean me some brush. It was hot work,
but it beat the shit out of readin' those daily bulletins, I can tell you!

Here's another tip: Have some fun while you can! Give the press guys some funny nicknames like Stretch and Fatty and Too Tall and Boner-Boy. They love it. Trust me.

Hey, look- I know you've got some dancing around to do, so I'll make this short: This can be a really, really awesome job, but you can't take it too seriously. It'll wear you out. Take at least one month every year (or even twice a year!) and sneak out of town for some fun. You're from Hawaii, right? Go there whenever you can! Folks like to see their President takin' it easy. It gives them confidence that things are going well, even when they're really, really not.

That's it for me. Oh and hey- I'm real sorry about the big shitpile I left you! My bad!

Best-

George

Wanna bet it was a lot like that?

Pie-Face Gets the Boot

2009-01-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

My beloved New York Times has finally come to its senses and shit-canned William Kristol. Let there be dancing in the streets.

The reason they let him go is manifest: he's a crappy writer. But more than that, he is just so wrong so much of the time. Guaranteed, if Bill predicts it, it ain't gonna happen.

And, as the HuffPo article duly notes, "[I]t's also further evidence that the right itself is cracking up and that Obama is accelerating its destruction. By peeling off leading commentators on the right, Obama has a chance -- not a big one, mind you, but still a chance -- to create the bipartisan political environment that he promised during the campaign."

Amen. And Bill, the door is that way. Use it.

Obama's First Week

2009-01-27T07:11:00.000-08:00

It's been seven days. Are we out of the woods yet?

Well, no but, I'll say this: it's been a hell of a good start. Let's review Barack's first week, shall we? And these are just off the top of my head:

As previously mentioned, he signed an Executive Order to close the Guantanamo Bay detention center within a year. Fair enough. He then lifted the Global Gag Rule that barred Federal funds to aid organizations overseas that offered abortion as an option, he asked the EPA to reconsider their decision to disallow California from creating their own fuel economy standards, appointed Richard Holbrooke for special envoy to Afghanistan and Pakistan, he asked the Bush Administration's Attorneys General to stay on for a while to ensure a smoother transition, he appointed George Mitchell as his Mideast envoy, he continues to push for a stimulus package that could be implemented quickly and he managed to get all of his Cabinet appointees confirmed.

Not bad, eh?

Well, if you're Michael Novak over at the National Review, it has been a terrible week. Here's his take:

The Obama presidency is only one week old, but it has already limned its main moral outlines:

On January 20, President Obama called for the repeal of the Defense
of Marriage Act. He also declared his intention to give multiple rights and privileges to homosexual couples.

On January 22, he issued an order announcing his intention to close the
detention facility at Guantanamo Bay within one year, but admits he has not figured out how to do that. President Bush had expressed a similar wish, but could find no nations willing to take responsibility for the detainees.

On January 23, President Obama issued an order that authorizes tax
dollars for abortions abroad.

From these announcements we learn that President Obama recognizes no difference between the Jewish-Christian covenant between a woman and a man (a covenant that they will have and nurture children, if they are so blessed), and a civil contract between two persons of any sex, in order to set up a household of affection and sexual favors.
This is a relapse into paganism. The point of monogamous family networks is to treat male and female with complementary and mutually cooperative dignity and to tie the power of sexuality (male, especially) to self-sacrificing communities of love.

We learn, second, that this president’s guiding light in matters of national security is not a realistic assessment of the national interest but personal concern for what kind of figure he is cutting in the international eye. Good headlines first, practical thinking later.
Thirdly, we learn that the president is willing to do what a substantial bloc of U.S. taxpayers abhor, and will resist in conscience. Moreover, it is a mistake to think that people in most other nations love, honor, and respect the secularist preoccupation with abortion.

The first week did not have to begin this way. These first steps were unworthy of a great nation and unworthy of a serious leader. These decisions humiliated those who voted for President Obama because they had been assured, and assured others, that the new president would take seriously the culture of life.

Don't you love these assholes? "This is a relapse into paganism!" What a maroon. I mean, Obama runs on a platform and then, when he takes power, he actually implements that platform and guys like Novak jump up onto chairs and start shreiking like little girls. Guess what, Mike? George Bush is gone. New man in town. New policies. Deal with it, ya big pussy.

Congratulations, Mr. President. Great start. Keep it up.

Gitmo is Closing! Run for Your Lives!

2009-01-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

Among his first acts as President, Barack Obama has fulfilled a campaign promise by signing an executive order to close Guantanamo Bay's detention center in a year. Naturally, everyone who believes in the rule of law and the American judicial system are very pleased.

And the others, namely the Republicans, are freaked out. Take it away, Minority Leader John Boehner:

BOEHNER: The Guantanamo Bay prison is filled with the worst of the worst - terrorists and killers bent on murdering Americans and other friends of freedom around the world. If it is closed, where will they go, will they be brought to the United States, and how will they be secured? Will they be released by the courts, despite reports that more than 60 former terrorist detainees have already returned to battlefields to fight us again? Unfortunately, in briefings yesterday the new Administration did not have any real answers to these concerns.

Yes, those former terrorist detainees were released! And they returned to the battlefields! Aiyee! And where were they released from?

Um...Guantanamo Bay. So keeping it open would prevent...what, exactly?

Of course, the Supreme Court has repeatedly ruled that our treatment of Gitmo detainees is unconstitutional, but that doesn't matter to our right-wing friends. But for the biggest GoOPer freak-o-zoid, we turn to Rep. Steve King (R-Looneyville):

KING: Let’s just say that, that, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, is brought to the United States to be tried in a federal court in the United States, under a federal judge, and we know what some of those judges do, and on a technicality, such as, let’s just say he wasn’t read his Miranda rights. … He is released into the streets of America. Walks over and steps up into a US embassy and applies for asylum for fear that he can’t go back home cause he spilled the beans on al Qaeda. What happens then if another judge grants him asylum in the United States and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is on a path to citizenship. I mean, I give you the extreme example of this.

Can't argue with that logic, can you?

Hey, Barack! Aren't you paying attention to these guys? Why, if you close Gitmo, those former terrorist detainees will soon be teaching in our schools, corrupting our youth and poisoning our wells! Keep them in Cuba, for God's sake! Think...of the children!

Everybody Hearts Obama

2009-01-24T19:11:00.000-08:00

Typically, between the election in November and the swearing in a couple of months later, a President-elect- no matter who he is- generally loses popularity. By the time they actually take the oath, why...nobody likes them at all!

Not so Mr. Obama. I mean, here's a guy who hasn't actually done much beyond swearing to do a super-good job protecting and defending the Constitution and...well, see for yourself:
More than two-thirds of Americans approve of President Obama's job performance during his initial days in the White House, an approval rating that significantly exceeds the early poll numbers of his two immediate predecessors.
Thanks, CNN.com!

Now, look...nobody knows better than me that this honeymoon is going to be short. The economy is going to take a LONG time to recover and, as I have long contended, the American attention span lasts about as long as this sentence, so...the public will turn on him sooner or later.

But for now? He's Mr. Popularity! Enjoy it while you can, Barack.

Putting the Arm On You

2009-01-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

Before I get back to politics and begin the long, wonderful journey that will be the Obama Administration, I have a favor to ask. A truly great person could use some help and I'd like to see if you might be willing to come to his aid.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned that my dear friend and colleague, actor Will Schutz, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This is, as you may know, a particularly bad form of cancer to contract, but Will's spirits are high and he has vowed to fight it with everything he's got.

Naturally, at the time he was diagnosed, he had no insurance. (Pause to fume at America's current health mess. Breathe. Continue.) Now, after a stay in the hospital and the commencement of his cancer treatments, the bills are starting to pile up for my buddy Will. And we, his friends and colleagues, are making an effort to try to raise some money for him. As you may have guessed, that's where you come in.

I'm not asking for a lot. Any amount will do. Five bucks, ten...twenty. If you can do more, great. If not, please do what you can. Believe me when I tell you that this is one of the most generous, kind and loving souls it has ever been my privilege to meet and I am heartbroken to think that he has been dealt such a lousy hand. I don't go, hat in hand, to complete strangers for just anyone. This is truly a great human being, an amazing performer and a devoted friend.

If you can, please go to this site, http://willschutzpancan.chipin.com, and throw a few bucks his way. No one- and I mean no one- deserves it more.

Thanks.

Inauguration Report- The Finale

2009-01-22T07:58:00.000-08:00

Before the memory begins to fade, let me run down the day for you quickly:

We were up early, but not as early as some. On the train in, we heard that by 5:30 in the morning they already had over 50,000 people. We weren't too worried, though. After all, the plan was that over 2 million would show up. So there'd be plenty of room, right? Right?

Well, we did make one mistake, but we can't really be blamed for it. We got off at the Metro stop closest to the Mall but...when we came out into the street, we soon discovered that the Mall had been walled off at that point due to the crowd. (There was no warning that this would happen in any of the papers. Again, the Washington security forces were not that helpful.)

Every entrance to the Mall was walled off for about two miles, we found out, and so...the trudge began. We followed the flowing crowd, which grew every minute we walked along, until we finally started heading in the right direction. (We stopped off to rest and warm up at my brother's workplace- the World Bank- before we finished our trek. The kids, it should be remarked, were troopers.)

Back in the street, it was a few more blocks to the park and...we were in. By this time, the number of people seemed inestimable. Everywhere you looked, in every direction but up, there were people. Every age, color, size and description. All moving in the same direction. And all with these big, fat smiles on their faces.

You can see, from the pictures I've already posted, where we wound up. About halfway up the Mall, in the shadow of the Washington Monument. The Park District had erected huge Jumbo-tron screens and gigantic speakers everywhere so we wouldn't miss a word. And, again, our timing was bang-on.

They announced the VIP's as they trooped in. Carter got a cheer. Bush the Elder got a non-commital grunt. The Clintons were warmly welcomed. They wheeled in Cheney, who was doing his Dr. Strangelove impersonation, and we hooted our derision. And, of course, Chimpy was booed.

I considered not booing him. Honor the office if not the man and all that, but you know what? He deserves it. I'm sorry, but he does. So when his name was announced, I made my displeasure known. You got a problem with that?

As with the concert on Sunday, every time we saw a flash of Obama's face (or his wife's, or his children's faces), the crowd went wild. Then his entrance was announced and there was a huge roar. Game on. Here we go.

Rick Warren did not receive a rousing reception, but apart from a few people who blurted out some objections, we were fairly respectful. (He got a laugh, as you may have heard, when he pronounced the names of the Obama children. "Malia...and Sasha!" It was a little odd. And I've never heard a million people laugh all at once before. Bizarre.)

Then they swore in Joe. What a blissful moment. In the seconds afterwards, we all basked in the knowledge that Dick Cheney was no longer the Vice President. It was a lovely feeling.

And then it was Barack's turn. If there had been seats, we would have been on the edge of them. Then the oath began and...what the hell? I turned to my brother with a look that said, "Did Roberts just screw that up?" And his look back to me said, "He did." And then we let it go. Because three seconds later, Barack Obama was the President of the United States.

And. We. Went. Nuts. (See the video below.)

Tears. Joy. Smiles. Hugs. The sound was deafening. And the effort to get everyone there- the drive to D.C., the long commute into the city, the Bataan Death March through the streets, the frigid weather- it was all worth it, just for that one moment.

His speech was great, too. Started off with the bad news, of course, and then moved on to the plans to fix the mess he has been handed. Big cheers greeted his promise to bring back responsibility, to respect science once again, to strive for equality, to end dogmatic squabbles, to go beyond partisanship, to restore our country's greatness.

He was succinct and to the point. He did not go on too long. He didn't need to. We got it. Hope. Check. Change. Check. Promise of a new day. Check. And good night!

And then we tried to leave. You ever go for a stroll with 2 million of your closest friends? It isn't easy. It took awhile to get out and, even after that, it took awhile to get home, but none of that really matters. We had seen what we came to see and we were happier than you can imagine.

Within two hours, we were back at my brother's house, watching the parade on TV and sipping Irish coffee. A better way to end the day cannot exist.

A final few words: big thanks to my brother and his family for their hospitality. We had a wonderful time sharing these past few days with them. And huge thanks to my brother's colleague Cynthia for my ticket to the Huffington Ball on Monday. It was unforgettable.

But most of all: congratulations to the new President and his family. They seem off to a great start.

It's a new day, my friends.

The Oath

2009-01-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

You want to see and hear happiness? I mean real, actual, palpable happiness? Here you go, from smack-dab in the middle of Happiness Central (and is Justice Roberts retarded or what?):

Finally, Some Pictures

2009-01-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'll try to give them proper captions when I have time, but here are a few memorable shots from the week in Washington. You'll get the gist, I'm sure.

And am I the only one who can't stop bursting into tears every few hours? I mean, it feels great the first few times but...then it starts to get embarassing...

Here you go:

Beautiful

2009-01-21T02:41:00.000-08:00

The Three Greatest Words in the World

2009-01-20T12:51:00.000-08:00

Wondering what they are? Or have you already guessed?

Aw, sure you did:

President Barack Obama.

And we were there. Tears of joy were shed. Strangers were embraced. But most importantly: change has finally come.

Much to report on, tons of pictures and video but for now, we're just basking in the moment. Bask with me, won't you?

Inauguration Report #4- Monday Night

2009-01-19T22:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, sit down. I've rarely ever done this, but I am now about to, as they say, drop some names.

I was fortunate enough to attend the Huffington Post Pre-Inaugural Party this evening (courtesy of my brother, David) and here, among others, is who attended said bash:

Arianna herself was, of course, was in attendance and. fortunately enough for me, I had the chance to congratulate her on the success of the evening's festivities. On the heels of Ms. Huffington was Newark's Mayor Corey Booker, who was terribly gracious when I congratulated him on his recent, incredibly stirring appearance of Bill Maher's show.

However: here's the thing I discovered about attending an event with so many so-called "A-list" stars. You wind up seeing a lot of people whose names, inexplicably, escape your ability to recall. It is a bit ridiculous. You spend the night- if you must know- feeling like an asshole, saying things like "Aw, crap. I just saw that girl from...that thing. You know the one. The one with...that guy. The guy with the attitude. Know who I mean?"

But, of course, there were plenty of others in attendance whose names did not escape our notice. Sheryl Crow gave a hell of an opening concert. And Will.I.Am counted down the last full day of Bush's reign as President and, let me tell ya brother, you can bet there was much rejoicing. And, at the end of the night- not twenty feet from where we were standing- the one and only Sting belted out the most appropriate song of the entire evening: "Brand New Day."

It was amazing. It was like being inside the coolest, most exclusive party in town without, it must be mentioned, feeling unwelcome. A rarity, I'm sure.

And yes, I saw Val Kilmer. And Glenn Close. And a few more "big stars" that I will intentionally fail to mention. Why?

Because it really was a night of unity. About feeling like an "A list" star even if you were, like me, a casual visitor.

Did I feel unwelcome? Did I feel surrounded by my social betters? Like a trespasser where I did not belong?

I did not. I felt lucky to be included as a member of what must have been the coolest group of ass-kickers in town.

But anyone would have felt right at home. That was the vibe. And that is why, at the end of the day, it was so...what do you say?

Awesome. Yeah, that's what it was:

Awesome. Sorry I don't have words to describe it better but...there you are.

Tomorrow: the Big Event itself.

Stay tuned.

Inauguration Report #3- Monday

2009-01-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

It is a laid-back day here in D.C. as we spend the day reflecting on yesterday's festival, paying homage to the Rev. Dr. King on his birthday today and, of course, looking forward to the gigantic confluence of humanity that will be tomorrow's Inaugural.

For us- the kids, my brother and our wives- the plan is...to visit the zoo. Take it easy. See the pandas. Chill out.

But tonight? Well, let me just say this: despite the odds against my ever getting this lucky- my brother scored me a ticket. That's right, ladies and gents: I'm going to the ball after all.

Which ball, you ask? I mean, there are an awful lot of parties and celebrations tonight. Which one could (potentially) be the most fun?

How about this one? Boo-yah!

Good thing I brought my tux, huh? I'll be sure to report the details later, including whether Arianna is- or is not- bringing sexy back. (I suspect she is.)

Who knew? My fairy godmother is named David. Go figure.

Inauguration Report #2- Sunday

2009-01-18T15:32:00.000-08:00

In case any of you were wondering: this land, it appears, was made for you and, if I might add, me.

What a day. What an inspiring, beautiful, one-of-a-kind day. Let me play it out for you:

First, I must apologize. I could not have been more wrong: it was waffles. Not pancakes. So let me make that perfectly clear.

Then came the problem of actually getting into D.C. My brother, in his wisdom, decided that we should drive to a Metro stop far outside of the District and take the train in. (The further out we got, we figured, the more empty the train when we climb aboard. Guess what? He was right.)

We zipped into the city in record time and before you knew it, we were strolling toward the National Mall with what looked like the rest of America in tow. We knew the balloon (as they say) was set to go up about 2:30, so we were in line by 1:30 at the latest.

Now the line was ridiculous. Worst part of the day, really. It might sound petty to say it, but the night of the election in Chicago, the cops had it down. Orderly lines, barricades, tons of police. Here? No barricades, so- as will happen- the lines looped in on each other. Lots of people line jumping as a result and not nearly enough volunteers. (Those they had were great, but there should have been twice as many.) Anyway, all that aside, we endured and eventually, we were in.

For those of you watching on TV, it must have looked jam-packed but, really, it wasn't bad at all. (Crowd-wise, Chicago was far more sardine-like.) Where we were, we had room to move about, dance, mingle, rest and even stroll down to the reflecting pool. (The kids were great about everything but the abysmal line.)

And almost the minute we arrived, the show began. And what a lineup it was. After the National Anthem, they kicked things off properly with Bruce Springsteen and an enormous choir singing "The Rising." Then the speakers began showing up. Ever heard of these guys? Denzel Washington, Steve Carrel, Jamie Foxx, Tom Hanks, Tiger Woods, Queen Latifah and Samuel L. Jackson. Oh, and a guy named Joe Biden, too. He was there.

And the performers: Mary J. Blige. Usher. Stevie Wonder. U2. John Mellencamp (frankly, the best of the day), Herbie Hancock, Patti LaBelle, Jon Bon Jovi, Sheryl Crow, Will.I.am, Garth Brooks (really great, actually) and, yes, the U.S. Navy Glee Club even stopped by. We listened, we danced, we sang, we had hot dogs.

Then- the main event. Ladies and gentlemen: the President-Elect of the United States- Barack Obama. Cheers. Tears. Hope. Change. You can imagine it, I'm sure. He was, as usual, stirring and pitch-perfect in his delivery. He has that rare ability to both warn the crowd about how hard the road ahead will be and still make you want to start down that road. Starting, like, tomorrow. Great speech that gave the promise of an even greater speech ahead. All I could think when he was done was: see you later, sir.

Then- the Finale: Bruce again, along with special guest Pete Seegar to polish things off with a rousing rendition of "This Land is Your Land" and, of course, "America the Beautiful."

Then home. (Dinner soon.)

All in all: better than promised. How many things can you say that about?

See below for a taste.

Inauguration Report #1 - Saturday

2009-01-18T05:42:00.000-08:00

Arrived in Chevy Chase, Maryland last night after a (mercifully uneventful) two-day car trek. And after the week's worth of sub-zero temps in Chicago, I must say that it was lovely to see the exterior temperature rise the further I went East. Why, by the time we arrived, it was a balmy 20 above zero! Huzzah!

We saw an awful lot of Obama bumper stickers affixed to cars heading the same direction as us as we tootled down the highway but, to be honest, we're hoping that the reports of the anticipated crowds on Tuesday are overly optimistic. I mean, a million people would be fine but...two million? Might be a bit much, you know?

My family and I are being housed (in their perfectly gorgeous new manse) by my brother David, his wife Susan and their two girls, Parker and Sydney. With my wife and two girls in the mix, it makes for a pretty lively household, let me tell ya. (When I complete this post, I dive into the bacon and pancakes, so I'll make this quick).

We arrive in the midst of Inauguration Fever. The entire region is swept up in the festivities. (We spoke to a woman at a diner in Pennsylvania who was fleeing her home in Virginia until it all dies down.) The papers here are filled with Inauguration News, Inauguration Tips, Inauguration Survival Guides, Inauguration Maps as well as ideas on where to eat, sleep, celebrate, drink and cheer.

In the meantime, today is the big free concert at the Lincoln Memorial. The artists who are appearing changes every day but right now they have Bruce Springsteen on the list, along with Beyonce, U2, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder and, from what I understand, Ray Charles is coming back from the dead for a special appearance. Needless to say, we're heading down to the District for that.

It should prove to be an interesting dry run for Tuesday, in fact. We should get a sense of the kind of crowds, temperature and travel challenges we will face on the Big Day.

So...with pancakes and Bruce looming large in my future, I bid you good day.

I said good day, sir.

Cinderfella's Lament

2009-01-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'll be in Washington, D.C. all weekend and up through Tuesday and I've got tickets to bupkis! See what happens when you have no clout?

Don't get me wrong: I'll stand on the Mall, way in the back, to listen to the Inaugural address on Tuesday and be happy doing so.

But one party? One event? One ball, even? Is that so much to ask for a lifelong Dem like myself?

Where's a fairy godmother when you need one?

Once They're Gone

2009-01-15T10:22:00.000-08:00

So the question has arisen over the past few weeks: What should Barack Obama do to investigate the actions of the Bush Administration over the past eight years to see what crimes, exactly, were committed?

My sentiments on the matter should be clear from the previous sentence: I believe that certain members of the Bush Administration, including the President himself, are guilty of criminal conduct. I am certainly not alone in that opinion. But even if we assume that their criminality is a given, the question still remains: What do you do about it?

Obama has been walking a tightrope on this issue, as he probably should. He can hardly say, a week away from taking over the wheel, that the first thing he's going to do is dive into investigating Bush and his cronies. I mean, look around. There's a lot to be done. We have two wars burning overseas, an economy in peril, unemployment through the roof, a dismal stock market and, oh yeah, the Earth's climate is changing rapidly and we should probably do something about that, too.

But hold on a minute: just because we have a lot to worry about doesn't mean that we sweep the actions of these ass-clowns under the rug. After all, these are Democrats we're talking about. Folks who can actually do more than one thing at one time. We can fix the economy, put people to work and put Alberto Gonzales in prison, don't you think?

I certainly do. Ring up ol' Pat Fitzgerald on the speed dial. Get him on the case. I mean, he put Governor Hairdo and Governor Lyin' in the crosshairs and let me tell you: they're a lot smarter than Chimpy and his crew.

Sic 'em, Pat!

The End of the National Nightmare

2009-01-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

Ah, the sweet, tangy taste of well prepared satire! Is there anything like it? Try this little number from The Guardian. Here's a sampling:

No one thought Al Gore would be a loveable president, but, after eight years in the White House, he has gotten truly tiresome. The droning voice, the purchase of an eco-friendly robot dog, the campaign for carbon-free diamonds - all these things were hard to take, and he has been way too smug about reversing global warming. I think we've gone too far in the opposite direction, especially in light of the glacier that recently crushed Wasilla.

I think I started to dislike Gore when he stirred up a media storm after the Feds broke up the terrorist ring conspiring to fly airplanes into buildings back in 2001. He could have let it pass quietly, as Bill Clinton did with the millennium plot arrests in 2000. Instead, Gore held a press conference to milk it for political gain and scare us into a 15 cent per gallon gas tax. But who can afford to pay over a dollar and a half per gallon? No wonder we're resorting to electric cars these days.

Mmmm, boy! That's lip-smackin' good!

The rest is just as tasty.

Write This Joke

2009-01-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

With a hat tip to my friend Darren S., here is a link to a website where they ask you to complete this joke:

Ben and Jerry's have created the "Yes Pecan!" flavor for Barack Obama. George W. Bush's flavor should be ________________.

My favorite entries on the site so far are:

Weapons of Fudge Destruction (contains no fudge)

Abu Grape

Iraqi Road

and of course: Impeach Cobbler.

My entry:

Chocolate Chimp

Any more suggestions?

From Beyond the Political Grave

2009-01-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

The Governess just won't shut up.

In the past month or so, Sarah Palin has flitted from interview to interview, each time doing her gosh-darned best to deflect any blame for the failure of the McCain-Palin ticket. It was the Republican party's fault, the media's fault...anybody's fault but hers.

Okay, fair enough. If you want to have a political future after a debacle like your spectacularly bad vice-presidential candidacy, you've got to reshape the meme, am I right? Get out your side of the story, see?

But beyond simply trooping out there to visit with Sean "Brains in my Tuchas" Hannity to make her case, Palin has taken this thing a step further. She sat for an interview with a guy named John Ziegler, a conservative "filmmaker" who is making a "documentary" called "Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected."

Have you seen the clips from this little sit-down? No? You can link to them via this New York Times article on the subject. And you can also catch some memorable quotes from the Guv on how terribly she was treated by the big, bad librul media types.

(SIDE NOTE: The article features what I consider to be one of the cleverest lines I've read in a long time. In noting Caroline Kennedy's inability to express herself with the same kind of intelligence and wit as her famously articulate Dad, the author notes that "the syntax of the father has not been visited upon the child." Now that, ladies and gents, is first-class writing.)

Anyhoo...back to the Governess. What is notable about this particular interview is that now that Ziegler is promoting his "documentary," it appears that Mrs. Palin is objecting to the clips he's using of her. Rich, isn't it? And now Ziegler himself is on a media tour, having conversations like this with NBC's David Schuster:

Ziegler: I believe her character was assassinated, David, and I believe this network played an enormous role in that process and you took the clip of the Katie Couric out of context...
Shuster: But John, even in the documentary, at least in the clips that you've released, she still can't answer, at least it takes her several opportunities, she still really can't say what she reads. Does Sarah Palin take any responsibility....
Ziegler: David, that's ridiculous. Apparently you didn't watch the clip.
Shuster: I did, She talked about news articles that are widely circulated in Alaska...
Ziegler: You're a joke.
Shuster: John, the joke is the fact that you and Sarah Palin can't take any responsibility for the fact that she wasn't prepared to run for vice president. Does she ever acknowledge that in any of your interviews?
Ziegler: Did you not watch the clip?...This is clearly an agenda by MSNBC... Really? So is that your opinion, David? Is that your opinion...
Shuster: No, I'm asking you...
Ziegler: As an alleged news person, is that your opinion? That she was unprepared to be vice president of the US? That doesn't seem very objective to me...
Shuster: John, it's the opinion of 65% of the people...
Ziegler: It's not your opinion, it's everybody's opinion.
Shuster: It's everybody's opinion that's had an opportunity to interview her, except for you and my question is, when you interviewed her, did she ever express any responsibility for her own shortcomings, any?
Ziegler: I feel like this is OJ Simpson interviewing the Cobbs...
Shuster: It's a simple yes or no answer....

That went well, eh?

But fear not. Ziegler's documentary will do very well. How do I know? Because the Right desperately needs someone to tell them that everything is okay, that the election disaster was not their fault and that Sarah Palin, John McCain and the rest of them are all victims. Ziegler is doing just that, so he'll make pots of money peddling his silly lies.

In the meantime, back here on Earth, it's six days to freedom.

Dig. It.

Joe the Reporter

2009-01-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

Joe the Plumber is reporting on the Israeli attacks on Gaza. Though, actually, he probably isn't REALLY reporting on it, since this is his opinion on reporters in wartime:
"I'll be honest with you. I don't think journalists should be anywhere [around] war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what's happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I-I think it's asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you'd go to the theater and you'd see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for'em. Now everyone's got an opinion and wants to downer--and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers. I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you're gonna sit there and say, 'Well look at this atrocity,' well you don't know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it."
The year is only two weeks old, and already I've got a candidate for "Quote of the Year." Once again, with feeling: "I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting."

Well said, Joe. Well said.

One Week

2009-01-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

Seven days from tomorrow, I will stand on the National Mall with a million-plus fellow citizens and welcome the new President as he takes the oath of office. It will be a proud day for me, for my family, my party, my nation and my people.

I will have my children with me, Miranda and Gwendolyn, so that they can forever say that they were there in that history-making moment. I am excited. I am inspired. I am not particularly looking forward to the drive.

Still! I will not allow the long, long commute from Chicago to D.C. to drag me down. No, instead I will endow it with a significance that it may not necessarily deserve.

It will be a history making drive. Each mile that I traverse in my vehicle will be long remembered as a small step our nation took toward freedom and democracy. When we stop to eat, each meal will be notable, each burger or chicken tender a testament to this great nation. Even our dips, be they barbecue, honey mustard or ranch, will be remembered for years to come.

Our bathroom breaks will be few, but they will be necessary. No journey is without it's moments of rest and contemplation, surely. But we shall forge on...on! For there are many miles to go, my brothers and sisters.

At last, we will arrive in that place, that storied destination called My Brother's Driveway. And there we will feast and raise a glass and probably have a bit too much the first night and then not so bad the second and then on the third, oh dear, how late did you boys stay up? And then there will be aspirin.

And finally! We will try to get into the District and it will be a trial- oh yes!- it will. For my countrymen will want to join in the same fun as us and there will be many of us and they might not be very polite about how crowded it is and and, hey, if you elbow me like that again we're gonna have some trouble, buster, so you might want to think about backing off but...in the end...it will be peaceful. For we are joining together in this great moment, on this great day, with this great man to make...

...history.

Can't wait.

But I wonder: Where we'll go for our historic brunch that day?

Seven days to freedom. Dig it.

Watch It Happen

2009-01-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

This dickhead is about to become the next Senator from Illinois.

Hoo-rah.

Just the icing on the Obama-cake we wanted eh, my fellow Illinoisites? Um...Illinoisicans? Er...Illininers?

Go ahead Roland. Force them to seat you. We'll all be sooooooooo proud.

I Am Done With Harry Reid

2009-01-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

Look, I'm a team player, generally. I am willing to put up with a lot in the name of my country, my state and my party. But honestly, can't we do better in a Senate Majority Leader than Harry "Doofus" Reid?

I was never really taken with the guy. I mean, his nickname is "Give 'Em Hell Harry" which, for one thing, is a Truman rip-off and, for another, is inaccurate. When has Harry Reid ever given anybody hell?

He's milquetoast. He's annoying. He's uninspiring. And this week? He looks like a total moron.

FireDogLake has the whole rundown here. The money quote is at the end, natch:

Reid is a red state senator, up for re-election in 2010 and under pressure from the right, who is already making noise about appeasing Republicans who aren't going to be appeased. He's a hazard to Obama's agenda, which is why leading Senate Democrats tried to ease him out as Majority Leader last year.

Suffice it to say, I'm done with this tool. We have much better candidates that this guy. Time for Harry to go bye-bye.

Five Presidents - One Lunch

2009-01-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

(The scene: the White House. The setting: the Harding Dining Room. The participants: #39 (the Smiley One), #41 (the Embarassed Father), #42 (the Big Dog), #43 (the Chimp) and #44 (the Cool One). They enter the room.)

#43: C'mon in, c'mon. Hurry up. The pizza's gettin' cold!

#41: Son, you did not order pizza....

#43: It's a joke, Dad. Jeez, lighten up, willya?

#42: No pizza? Damn.

#39: Maybe a salad, Bill? Ever try one of those?

#42: Ha, ha. Hey, Jimmy? Bite my leafy head, okay?

#44: Guys, guys. Please. Can we just sit down.

#43: Hey! It ain't your place yet, buddy boy. I'm runnin' this show.

#44: My apologies.

#41: Please, let's just sit down and have a nice discussion. (Nudges #43.) Don't blow this. I'm counting on you not to screw this up.

#43: What, like I did in Iraq? Is that what you're saying?

#41: I didn't say that...

#43: No, but it's what you're thinking! I can tell.

#41: Good lord...

#39: Could somebody open the wine?

#43: No wine! No beer! No alcoholic substances of any kind!

#42: Well this is gonna be fun, won't it?

#41: Lay off my boy, now fellas, he's still dealing with his drinking problem....

#43: I am not!

#41: He spent the entire 70's inside a whiskey bottle....

#43: Dad!

#41: The number of times I found him curled up under the toilet...

#43: Okay, that's enough.

#44: Can I ask a question?

#39: Please, would you?

#42: (under his breath) Oh, look. Mr. Talks-a-lot wants to talk.

#39: That's rich, coming from you...

#42: Hey!

#44: Please, I could really use some guidance here. If you would, what would you describe, gentlemen, as your greatest challenge as President? I'm about to assume the office, as you know, and I'd really appreciate knowing what problem you faced that really defined your Presidency.

#39: The hostage crisis. Definitely. And, of course, trying to forge some kind of Mideast peace...

#41: The economic collapse. Couldn't blame Reagan. Had to take the hit. Had to raise taxes. It killed me, but I did the right thing. For the country.

#42: Hard to nail one down. The face off with Gingrich. Rwanda. The Balkans. The impeachment, of course. It was pretty rough.

(Long pause.)

#44: Mr. President? (Pause.) George?

#43: (Snaps out of his trance.) Huh? You talkin' to me?

#44: Well, yes, I was asking...

#43: Sorry. I thought I saw a puppy on the lawn. Boy, I sure love puppies. Don't you guys?

(Uncomfortable pause. #41 quietly vomits onto his own son.)

Blackout

Being Preznit Makes You Old

2009-01-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

Funny article on CNN about how serving as POTUS makes you age quicker. There's little doubt of that. A young-ish man when he entered the oval office, by the end of his term Jimmy Carter looked like he spent ten years in a Gulag. (Remarkably, he's hardly aged at all since 1980. Very odd.)

And Clinton...Bill took over looking like the young stud that he was and, eight years later, walked out with a mane of gray hair and bags under his eyes that wouldn't fit in the carry-on compartment.

Bush, on the other hand, has certainly aged, but not nearly as much as his predessors. Why? Well, for one thing, you have to actually experience stress while on the job. George, whose every move had the "Jesus Christ and Lord Our Father Seal of Approval" on it didn't stress all that much.

I mean, sure- the war was going badly, but when you're doing the Lord's work, why freak out about all those dead people? And putting the Constitution through the paper shredder would weaken most men, but not our Chimpy. He smirks, flips on the button and motions for Dick to start feeding in the paper.

The money quote on George from the article:

During his second term, Bush dealt with a troubled war, a struggling economy, and sagging approval ratings. But the avid runner, mountain biker and fisherman showed that his reflexes haven't slowed.

"I mean, did you see him dodge that shoe?" said David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine, referring to a December news conference in Iraq where an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at the president and Bush swiftly ducked the flying footwear. Twice.

You don't get those kind of reflexes when you're seriously contemplative. You do it by spending more time worrying about your foosball score than national security. Shoot, by the end of his one and only term, Chimpy's father wouldn't have been able to dodge a shoe like that. It would have been "Adidas City." Splat.

To be honest, I would worry about what Barack is going to look like in four years (or eight) but, frankly, I'm happy just to have someone moving into the White House who actually gives a shit for a change.

Thirteen days to freedom.

Sorry, this Levi Doesn't Fit

2009-01-07T07:00:00.001-08:00

Governess Palin is back in the news after reporters dug up a story on young Levi Johnston, father of Sarah's illegitimate grandson Tripp.

Hmmm. That was a lot of information. Let's start that again, shall we?

Alaska Governess Sarah Palin, who was the Republican nominee for Vice President in the last election, has a daughter named Bristol who was impregnated last year by a young man named Levi Johnston. This news came out after Palin was announced as John McCain's pick for the #2 spot.

The Palin family, which has a penchant for giving their children colorful names (i.e., Track, Trig, Spitfire, Gilgamesh and the like), embraced young Levi during the campaign season and went so far as to give the little lothario an invitation to the Republican National Convention. Family values, dontcha know.

Now, the election season far behind them, Levi and Bristol have had their baby who they have named Tripp, presumably because that's what his parents were on when he was conceived. (Beat.) Anyhoo...

Now Levi must provide for Bristol and Tripp because, hey, that financial spigot from the RNC has been turned firmly off, so if Bristol wants something from Neimann Marcus, Levi better start humping that bale.

You might find it surprising, then, that this boring tale has taken a dramatic turn. You see, Levi applied for (and got) an apprentice position that required a high school diploma. But this Wasilla Valentino is still in high school so...he never should have been given the apprenticeship. Did his mother-in-law's high office allow him to skirt the rules? Did the fact that Todd Palin, his father-in-law, also works in the same field grease the wheels?

Lots of questions.

So what's the new news? Levi has quit the job he didn't earn and has to look for other work until he graduates. My second favorite quote in this story is from his father, who lamented the scrutiny that Levi is under: "He's being treated different than an average 18-year-old kid. He has to do everything by the book now."

Yeah. Rules suck.

Palin has finally spoken out about it, too. Her response? Well, what did you expect, doggone it?

"Palin herself called the report a 'a political potshot taken at me,' that could "destroy a young man's opportunity for work."

Expect the young Johnston family to appear at a Wasilla homeless shelter in the coming weeks.

Damned prying media!

Oh No You Don't

2009-01-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, do me a favor, won't you? Take a look at this asshole. Judging from the cartoony expression on his face, what exactly do you suppose this moron is doing in this picture?

Is it:

(a) trying to avoid reporters while ducking into a courtroom to be indicted for goat blowing?
(b) sneaking into an X-rated movie theatre sans pants?
(c) doing his best Oliver Hardy impersonation?
(d) trying to become a Senator from the State of Illinois?

If you guessed (d), you're just no fun at all.

Hey, Roland: do you have any concept of what kind of a circus you have created by agreeing to take this appointment from Blagodiwishhewouldgoaway? Do you? Because I'll tell ya: if you had a clue how much every Democrat in the country fucking hates you you would probably roll up into a ball and never stop crying.

Keep it up, Roland, and there's a chance they might actually let you in. But if they do?

That's going to be one lonely job.

Asshole.

Richardson's Exit

2009-01-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

A lot of folks are feeling burned by Bill Richardson's abrupt departure from Obama's cabinet but, here's my coupla cents on that one:

Richardson is the anti-Blagojevich. He knows that Barack wants to have a smooth transition, with no slip-ups or questionable behavior. Everyone he brings aboard has to be squeaky clean (i.e. no "Troopergate" investigations hovering over them). And given that Richardson's administration is under investigation, he felt it best to step aside rather than burden Obama with having to defend him while the Feds poke around.

Rod "Pompadour" Blagojevich, however, is doing his level best to make life hell for Barack and he is, as we've said, being abetted by Mr. Tombstone. (More on this fiasco as it unfolds today.)

Short version: Richardson= Good. Blagojevich and Burris= Total Tools.

And this is not the last we shall hear of Mr. Bill from New Mexico. Bet on it.

Obama's Big Surprise

2009-01-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

Heh, heh, heh. You thought you were getting change, eh? Suckers!

You thought this was a "new" kind of Democrat, a real game-changer, someone who would defy the powers that be and shake up Washington, am I right?

Ha, ha and, oh by the way....HA!

Yes, it looks like ol' Barack pulled a fast one on you. He's just announced that the minute he becomes president, he's going to show his true Democratic, tax n' spend colors and emerge as the Commie, business hatin' librul you've always feared he truly was! Bwahahahahahahaha!

Because President Barack Obama, you fools, is planning to....

....um...

....cut your taxes.

Hmmm. This bears watching.

Fifteen days to freedom. I'll be there. Will you?

Meanwhile, In Minnesota

2009-01-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

The Franken-Coleman soap opera continues.

With the recount over (is a recount ever over?) and Franken ahead by over 200 votes, Coleman and his crew are vowing to oust Franken in a lawsuit.

The Senate Follies, it appears, are not confined to Illinois.

The Burris Conundrum

2009-01-05T14:07:00.000-08:00

So, what do we make of Roland Burris, the newly named Junior Senator from Illinois? He has certainly done all he can to turn the "No Drama Obama" era into high, almost stratospheric drama, so how is one to react to this development?

Well, one could start by calling Burris an opportunistic, prideful, overly-ambitious, boorishly insensitive douche-bag and take off from there, couldn't one?

Let do that then.

I mean, here's a guy who had, literally, written his own obituary. In large, block letters. Now? He can forget any of his former achievements making the headline when he passes on. His fate is sealed. When Burris dies, he will be known as the bag of dirt that accepted the tainted appointment of Uber-Douchebag Rod "Helmet Head" Blagojevich.

A glimpse into the future:

"Roland Burris, Dirtbag, Dies None Too Soon. Dozens Flock to Pee on Enormous Tomb."

How's that for an epitaph, Roland?

You schmuck.

New Year, New Commitment

2009-01-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

Hello, my friends. For those of you who faithfully check in on this board only to find...the same old bullshit, I'm here to tell you that I'm back and, with any luck, I'll be able to keep it up. Needless to say, for those who know me at all, you are aware that this last month has been....well, challenging. Lucrative, fun and interesting, yes, but...yikes. The older I get, the tougher it becomes.

Much, much to discuss, much more to ponder and a few things to simply remark upon.

Lets get started, shall we?

Obama's Inheritance

2008-12-29T10:00:00.001-08:00

It appears that Chimpy is going to go out of his way to make sure that Barack Obama takes over a country, and a world, that is as fucked up as it can possibly be. FDR had it easy compared to this crap. (Okay, no he didn't. But still...)

An economy in tatters, a regulatory system stuffed with perks for the corporations and very few protections for the environment and the people of this nation, the Middle East on fire and burning brightly, an infrastructure that is literally crumbling and even our own allies looking at us like we just hit on their wives.

It is an enormous pile of shit and it will take a genius- nay, a team of geniuses- to get rid of it. It will take years. It will take patience. It will take money.

Gear up for this, folks. We're looking at a long struggle before it gets any easier.

Oh, and thanks, George. You dipshit.

Conservative of the Year: Sarah Palin

2008-12-23T10:04:00.000-08:00

And I, for one, could not agree more.

We learn through the shamelessly rah-rah pro-Palin site TeamSarah.org that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has been named "Conservative of the Year" by Human Events magazine. Who gets to write the column trumpeting her victory?

Ann Coulter, of course.

And I gotta tell ya: Ann's got a real girl-crush going here. Read this piece. Sure, it's not much more than a "those librul snobs got nothing on my girl Sarah" piece but...there's a whole lot more going on there. Check out these selected quotes:

"When McCain chose our beauteous Sarah as his running
mate..."

"Until Palin reared her beautiful head, this is precisely the sort of thinking liberals would have denounced..."

"Despite [Democrats'] phony championing of “women’s issues” (i.e. abortion) there was not one Democrat woman who could win a head-to-head contest with Palin. Especially not if we got to see their faces. Democrats may have a fleet of women politicians, but they don’t have a deep bench of attractive ones. You don’t even think of most Democratic woman as women: Rosa Delauro, Nita Lowey, Patty Murray, Janet Napolitano -- and the list goes on. Oh, sure, there are the odd female Democrat sex kittens -- your Janet Renos, your Donna Shalalas -- but they're the exception to the rule."

"After Palin gave her barnburner of a speech at the Republican National Convention, a friend of mine in a liberal industry told me his friends were aggressively confronting him demanding to know if Palin was raised by a secret cult of Christians that taught children nothing but Creationism and public speaking. Oh, how I wish he had said “yes.” Imagine the aneurisms! I think what liberals were trying to say was: Gosh, she’s an exceptionally attractive mother of five!"

Jeez, Ann. Get a room, willya?

What conservatives like Ann "Adam's Apple" Coulter don't seem to realize is...Palin does not drive liberals crazy. We love her. Why? Because she is conservativism personified. Vapid, shallow, quick to pick up a gun, not terribly interested in anything more than bumper-sticker slogans and homophobic.

Conservative of the Year? Hell, I'll go further than that. Try Conservative of the New Millenium.

Congrats, Sarah!

So Much To Do, So Much To Say

2008-12-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

It's three days before Christmas and, naturally, everyone is freaking the hell out.

First, we have the automotive industry. "Bail us out! We'll go bankrupt! Aiyee!" And now, no thanks to the GoOPers (and, remarkably, thanks to Chimpy) it looks like a bailout will indeed happen. Will the industry straighten up and fly...er...drive right as a result? Who knows? But this is their chance.

Meanwhile, we have Barack "Person of the Year" Obama choosing Rick Warren to speak at his inaugural and everybody's spittin' fire over that one, too. I admit, I'm not all that crazy about his choice, either, but like the man said: Change is coming. It might not be change you like, but...it's a change all right.

Over here we've got Bernie Madoff and the Ponzi Schemers. They're climbing up the charts and it doesn't look like they're ever gonna stop. How hard is it to spot $50 billion worth of fraud? Well, if you're the SEC, it is apparently pretty frickin' hard. And so we watch in disbelief as those plans come crashing to the ground.

Then there's the holiday. Family, travel, money worries, job insecurity. And have you bought all your presents? No? Then you're screwed! Or at least it seems that way.

Tis the season to lose it. So let's try not to, shall we? Like Bart Simpson says, we can never lose sight of what this season is all about:

Family and friends coming together to celebrate the birth of Santa.

Family Values, Wasilla Style

2008-12-19T08:45:00.001-08:00

Is it wrong to enjoy this? If it is, then I'm soooooooo wrong:

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Big deal, you say. I bet people get arrested all the time for running a meth lab in Wasilla, Alaska. So why is this news?

Johnston is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla 18-year-old who received international attention in September when Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, announced their teenage daughter was pregnant and he was the father. Bristol Palin, 18, is due on Saturday, according to a recent interview with the governor's father, Chuck Heath.

Ooooooh, dear.

The worst part of the story? It will be years from now, when Levi is trying to remember his daughter's birthday, and Bristol has to say, "You remember, baby. It was the week Grammy got arrested."

Yikes.

Yawwwwwn. Crack. Crick. What'd I Miss?

2008-12-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

Hello, all. Sorry to be so remiss in my blogging duties, but life has been quite the rollercoaster lately.

I'm back, I'm unrested and I'm ready to go. So...

...what's up?

In Memoriam

2008-12-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

Props, people. She was a giant in her day.

Really, she was.

Have You Heard The One About...?

2008-12-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

The Blagojevich Joke Train has left the station and is chugging along rapidly. How can it not? This story has everything. Money, power, a connection to Barack Obama and, apparently, a whole lot of cursing. (Frankly, I'm shocked. Such language!)

Here's the latest, from Borowitz, courtesy of my Uncle John.

More as it happens. Sheesh.

Cracked Crystal Balls

2008-12-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

Predictions are a stupid way to make a living. The future is a murky place and we have no business trying to peer into it. I mean, who would have guessed that, six years after September 11, 2001, America would elect a man as President of the United States named Barack Hussein Obama?

So by all means, if you want to look dumb, take a flying guess at what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or, heaven help us, next year.

Reminds me of my favorite joke: How do you make God laugh?

Make a plan.

See? Now it's your favorite joke.

So here, courtesy of Foreign Policy.com, are the worst predictions for 2008. A sample, from Business Week:

"New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg will enter the Presidential race in February, after it becomes clear which nominees will get the nod from the major parties. His multiple billions and organization will impress voters—and stun rivals. He’ll look like the most viable third-party candidate since Teddy Roosevelt. But Bloomberg will come up short, as he comes in for withering attacks from both Democrats and Republicans. He and Clinton will split more than 50% of the votes, but Arizona’s maverick senator, John McCain, will end up the country’s next President.”

And that's just #6. Enjoy.

Too Soon?

2008-12-09T15:04:00.001-08:00

Hell no.

View this while you still can.

Boy, Illinois looked squeaky clean for, what, two seconds?

Dammit.

(h/t to Susan)

The Illinois Governor Circus Continues

2008-12-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

I don't know how you do things in your state, but here in Illinois, we really like to put our Governors in prison.

No kidding. We toss 'em in the can all the time. Why in the past 35 years alone, we've put three of our governors in the slammer. New York? They've got a former Governor who liked to boink hookers with his socks on.

Pikers.

Now comes the news that our latest First Dude, Rod "His Hairness" Blagojevich, is in trouble, too. Welcome to the club, Rod!

Blagojevich and his chief of staff, John Harris, are charged with conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery, according to a statement from the U.S. Attorney's office for the Northern District of Illinois.

What makes Rod particularly stupid in this instance is: At the time that he committed his alleged offenses, Blagojevich knew that he was under federal scrutiny. They've been investigating the guy for a long time. And yet...

"The breadth of corruption laid out in these charges is staggering," U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said in a statement. "They allege that Blagojevich put a 'for sale' sign on the naming of a United States Senator; involved himself personally in pay-to-play schemes with the urgency of a salesman meeting his annual sales target; and corruptly used his office in an effort to trample editorial voices of criticism."
Perhaps worst of all, Blago makes Obama look bad. The GoOPers are going to have a field day with this, as they should. And let's make one thing clear:

I'm all in favor of rooting out corruption and getting rid of crooked politicians. That includes members of the Democratic party. If Blagojevich did what has been alleged, he should be tossed in the pokey forever and ever. Amen.

What a goddamn idiot.