This Dirty Hood

Class Warfare

2011-09-19T22:06:00.001-07:00

In response to President Obama's call for a minuscule tax increase on the richest 0.3% of Americans, the Republicans are labeling it "class warfare." To these GOP obstructionists, I say simply this: "You want to see what class warfare REALLY looks like? Keep it up, assholes."

The GOP Finally Agrees: Raise Taxes!

2011-08-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

I simply have to apologize.

Here I am, sitting here in the comfort of my government-supplied house with my liberal family and my socialist dog railing against the mean-spirited, crappy ol' GOP, accusing them of all kinds of nasty stuff, demonizing them and generally making them sound all devilish and evil.

Shame on me.

Turns out that, when the shit really hits the fan economically, the Republicans are, at the end of the day, a totally reasonable bunch. For example, on taxes. The rest of the Democrats and I have been just lambasting our colleagues across the aisle for their complete and utter intransigence on the subject of taxes. "They will not," we thundered, "under any circumstances, even in a once-in-a-lifetime financial emergency like this, even consider raising taxes! Ideologues! Tyrants! Assholes!"

Well, never mind. I take it all back. Because, as it happens, the GOP is actually considering raising taxes. Hell, some of them are even talking about it on the campaign trail. Can you believe it? Amazing, right? I can hardly conceive of it myself.

Oh, one little thing: they want to tax the poor.

That's right. It seems that the poor have not been paying their fair share. In fact, did you know that some of them- perhaps even a majority of them- pay nothing in Federal income tax. Sure, a lot of that has to do with the fact that they're...you know...poor and everything. But that doesn't mean they can't dig deep down and contribute what they can. Haven't you heard? This is a down economy! Where's the sacrifice? Pony up, poor folks!

According to the leading voices of the right, it is important for everyone to contribute something. They should have, as they say, "skin in the game." Maybe if they were an active part of this economy, they'd get up off their lazy asses and start working for a change.

Until that sad day, we'll just have to wait for the Democrats to come around and realize that when it comes to balancing the budget, there's only one place to look:

In the gutter.

Eric Cantor - Heartless Schmuck

2011-08-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

Here's a good one: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and other GOP leaders are attempting to link Federal disaster relief in the wake of Hurricane Irene to budget cuts, arguing that any spending to help victims of the hurricane should be directly offset by cuts to the Federal budget.

After hearing this, I couldn't help but think that it would have been nice if the GOP had this same fiscal opinion during the runup to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan eight years ago. Sadly (and not surprisingly), their approach to solving budgetary problems seems to be as follows:

Start two unfunded wars costing trillions of dollars? No problem.

Provide desperately needed disaster relief to thousands of American citizens whose homes, livelihoods and lives have been devastated by a natural disaster? Sorry, but we're going to have to work out how to pay for that first.

And right there, you've got both the GOP mindset in a nutshell and the definition of heartlessness in one, neat package.

Thanks, Eric. You evil schmuck.

Republicans: Corporate Tools?

2011-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

It has become a popular Democratic pastime over the past...oh, I don't know...100 years or so...to attempt to portray the Republican Party as a group of corporation-loving toadies who don't give a shit about the common man but instead live to enrich and kow-tow to the wealthiest of the wealthy.

But is this charge fair? Do GOP politicians care only for their "corporate masters" and regularly throw their contituents under the proverbial bus? Or is this a gross mischaracterization of Republican policies, an unforgivable and thoughtless slight against people who are doing nothing more than serving the needs of their voters?

A quick examination of the practices of the GOP politicians should reveal the truth, I should think, so let's give these policies the once-over, shall we?

What would a group of political booklickers beholden only to corporations actually do? What day-to-day activities would consume their schedules and dominate their policy decisions?

Well, first would be taxes. If the GOP was truly under the complete and utter domination of the uber-rich and the business elite, they would insist that the rich pay as little taxes as possible. And not just in income taxes, God knows. Capital gains taxes, too. And, of course, corporate taxes. Oh, how they would rail against corporate taxes! "The highest in the world!" they would holler, ignoring the fact that most multi-billion dollar corporations not only hide their profits overseas but also exploit loopholes in American tax laws that result in their spending less in taxes than most janitors.

And when they want to bring those overseas profits back to America and dole it out to their own executives as bonuses, they'd probably push for some sort of short-term tax amnesty. Bring the corporate rate from 35% down to....oh, hell...let's make it 5%. But only every once in awhile! Say, every five or ten years. That's fair, isn't it?

What else would they do? I know: deregulate. Strip away all those pesky environmental, safety, OSHA, anti-trust and other laws that strangle and hold back that fierce beast that is American capitalism. "Free the free market!" they would preach. "Let the greatest capitalist nation on earth shake loose its fetters and become the titanic force it was meant to be!" Never mind that rivers, streams, lakes and oceans become fetid, chemical sinkholes. Forget that the air becomes unbreathable. Or mountaintops become a thing we tell our children about ("That mountain used to have a peak, Timmy!"). As long as the corporations are free to roam unhindered, all is well with the world.

Anything else? Aha, what about unions? How about we demonize the American labor movement? Paint unions as corrupt, productivity-crushing, elitist relics of a bygone era. Unions used to be important, sure, but not anymore! We have plenty of worker protections now. Why coddle American workers? They're tough enough to stand on their own two feet, aren't they?

Hell, they don't even need a minimum wage! Get rid of it! And don't get me started about child-labor laws...what a joke! Kids want to work, dammit! It's good for 'em!

Finally, they would do everything they could to make sure that corporations and rich businessmen were allowed to give unlimited amounts of cash, with complete anonymity, to GOP politicians. That would be key. Reversing 200 years of campaign finance law...that would be the real giveaway.

So...if the Republicans did all of these things- pushed for lower and lower taxes for the rich, lobbied against the EPA and all other bothersome regulatory bodies, attacked unions, tried to destroy the minimum wage and basically did all they could to give corporations free reign over our political and social system- then and ONLY then could they be accused of being complete and utter tools of the ruling class.

But...that couldn't possibly describe the Republican Party with any accuracy.

Could it?

Rick Perry, Anti-Gay Douchebag

2011-08-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Following hot on the heels of his questioning evolution, dissing Social Security as an unconstitutional Ponzi scheme, deriding child labor laws as government intrusion and arguing AGAINST environmental regulations, Rick Perry has gone a step further by signing the anti-gay marriage pledge touted by the so-called "National Organization for Marriage" and, thereby, proving himself to be an enormous douchebag. He is, however, climbing up the polls!

To solidify his douchebag status, Perry is also planning to hang out this weekend with everybody's favorite pseudo-historian David Barton, evangelical leader and founder of WallBuilders (a more aptly named organization cannot be imagined), the virulent anti-gay crusader and, not incidentally, rumored cock-muncher.

I mean, they all are, aren't they? All these guys who make it their mission in life to deny gays their basic rights. They're ALL self-loathing pillow-biters, am I right? I'm telling you: you show me a guy who is that intimidated, threatened and downright scared of a gay dude and I'll show you a guy who, in his heart of hearts, craves the man-spunk.

And now that Perry has signed the pledge and gotten all buddy-buddy with Barton...all I can say is:

Have a nice weekend, boys.

Good Night Irene

2011-08-26T14:22:00.001-07:00

A special shout-out to my East Coast brothers and sisters as they face down Hurricane Irene. Many of my nearest and dearest are right up against the dear old Atlantic and I'm sending all my love to each and every one of you.

Stay safe everybody.

Muammar Hearts Condi

2011-08-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

In what must go down in history as one of the oddest post-war finds, the Libyan rebels have uncovered, in Muammar Gaddafi's compound in Tripoli a photo album containing dozens of pictures of former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

Apart from the "yuck" factor associated with owning such a thing (try not to think about what he used it for), it further cements the fact that when it came to nutjobs, Gaddafi topped 'em all.

I mean, at least Idi Amin had pictures of Farrah Fawcett. Condi Rice? Eeeeeewwwwww.

Quote of the Day

2011-08-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

From the "He Said WHAT?" department:

Mark Rubio, freshman Senator from Florida, on whether or not he is interested in the V.P. spot on the GOP ballot:

"I have no interest in serving as vice president for anyone who could possibly live all eight years of the presidency."

So...lemme get this straight, Mark. If there was a really old, sick, decrepit nominee (say, John McCain plus ten years or something) who looked like he wouldn't last more than a year or so before keeling over on the Oval Office floor....THEN you would consider the VP spot?

Creepy, man.

A Brief History of Time (Lost)

2011-08-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

About a year and a half ago (right after the big battle over the Health Care Bill), I wound up putting this site on hiatus due to the fact that I was so busy I didn’t know which way was up. It proved to be a wise choice as my schedule (work-related, artistically and otherwise) would have only allowed for sporadic and undoubtedly half-baked postings (not that we haven’t had those before) and it was best, I determined, to remove my voice from the cacophany.

But now we are heading into the campaign season and the electoral stakes- while perilously high before- are now even higher. The slate of goons lining up to try and knock Barack Obama off his perch is so ominous, so terrifyingly extreme as to make George W. Bush look like a short-panted Boy Scout. And a bright one, at that.

So in the coming months, I thought it best to re-open the dialogue and see if we can generate a little action heading into 2012. This is shaping up to be the ugliest campaign of all time and we’re going to need to contribute all we can to keep the slander, obfuscations and downright lies from becoming the accepted wisdom of the electorate.

My esteem for said electorate, by the way, is at an all-time low. Far from getting smarter, the folks who actually vote in this land of R's have become even more dimwitted. They can no longer seem to tell the difference between truth and complete and utter hokum. Not that they have much opportunity to be educated. From a news-gathering perspective, the media is a disaster. As a result, the American people have consuming the journalistic equivalent of shit sandwiches for the past decade and the current crop of GOoPers are asking the folks if they’d like the next batch of crapwiches to be toasted or oven-baked and folks are actually lining up to get more.

Well, we can’t have that, can we? Time to expose the b.s., call out the liars and carnival barkers among us and, most of all, underline the terrifying messages that are currently being disseminated to the masses for the blood-curdling bullshit that they are.

Here’s truth number one: The Republicans learned NOTHING from the George W. Bush years. They are gearing up to double-down on every bad idea he and his pack of cronies ever had. For every step forward we have taken in the past three years, the current crop of GOP candidates is ready to take us ten steps back.

And if that doesn’t scare you….brother, you’re just not paying attention.

Vrooooom!

2011-08-25T04:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, did you hear that sound? Didja? Know what it was?

It was the sound of getting behind the wheel of this creaky old blog, turning the key and listening to the engine roar to life, that's what it was.

Time for us to get back on the campaign trail, I reckon. Well overdue, in fact.

So...away we go.

The Healthcare Smackdown

2010-03-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Theis

Two months ago, it was dead. The Speaker was ineffectual, the Senatre Majority Leader a bumbler and the President was, despite the campaign promises, changing absolutely nothing.

Now? Nancy Pelosi looks like the smartest person in the room. Harry Reid has that LBJ "Master of the Senate" glow. And Barack Obama can proudly say that helped shape one of the most important, far-reaching and historic pieces of legislation in our nation's history.

Who else deserves credit? I'll tell you: the Republican Party. By marching in lock-step, uniting in their stubborn opposition to reform and, basically, spending the past year lying their fool heads off, they managed to steel the backbone of the Democratic Party and cleared the way toward this monumental achievement.

Truly, it makes a big difference when the opposition is comprised of a bunch of entrenched, bitter, obstructionist assholes. Whiny bitches who are so solidly in the pocket of the insurance industry they practically breathe lint.

Who's the leader of the GOP, after all? An orange-headed fountain of hate and deception, the loathesome John Boehner. Not since Karl Rove have we had an enemy who is so clearly evil, so solidly opposed to doing the right thing, so maliciously set against positive reform in any way.

Boehner's agenda is clear: defeat Barack Obama. Not "help the country." Not "enact effective legislation." Not "fix the system." Nope. Boehner and his party have one- and only one- reason for living. They want the President to go down in flames so that they can recapture power. That's it.

Well guess what, boys? You just got taken to the woodshed. All of you. The leather-faced Boehner, that batshit crazy freak Michele Bachmann, the slimy weasel Eric Cantor, consummate douche-bag Steve King...every single one of you got your asses handed to you by the skinny guy with the big ears.

We win. You lose. Now go fuck yourselves.

They won't, of course. They think it's Christmas in March. They believe that the President has just handed them the ammunition they will use to shoot down his party in the November elections. And in certain districts, that might be true. But Nancy, in her wisdom, gave absolution to a number of red-state Democrats and let them vote "no" on the legislation knowing how bad it would play at home. So the GoOPers can't attack them for their vote on this bill. Har-de-har-har.

Not that it matters. These guys are so stuck on crazy that they're going to keep doing what they always do: they're going to double-down. They're going to move further to the right (if that's possible). They're going to continue to obstruct, to obfuscate, to deceive the American people. They're going to whip up their base into a frenzy, further muddying the debate and, sadly, further endangering the country.

Because one of these lunatics on the right is going to snap sooner or later. Like that whacko who flew his plane into the IRS building, one of these Teabaggers is going to take Boehner or Bachmann or Turner or Overdrive just a little too seriously and do something stupid or violent or both.

And you know what they're going to do when that happens, right? You got it:

Blame Barack Obama.

For now, though, Obama can bask in the warming glow of his newly minted, desperately needed, hard fought and hard won legislative victory.

Boo-yah. The good guys win for a change.

Beck Finally Steps In It

2010-03-12T14:05:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

It was only a matter of time.

See, if you spout crazy-talk for a few hours every day and you don't employ any kind of editing mechanism between your looney-tunes thoughts and you're actual, out-loud ravings, you're bound to say something ultra-stupid sooner or later.

Glenn Beck's time has arrived.

Oh, I know what you're thinking: Beck's time arrived a while back. The frothing shit-fountain that is his mouth has been spraying crap for years now and nothing he says can shock you at this point. Well, maybe not.

But Beck's targets, you see, are usually well-chosen. He hates progressives, he hates liberals, he hates socialists, Marxists, Mao-loving commie faggots who are out to destroy America. Hell, he hates them so much, they make him weep.

So Beck makes a fortune by going on his show and railing against the left because, hey, who's going to defend them? Up to now, Beck has known exactly what his audience wanted to hear.

Note that I said "up to now."

This week, Beck made the unbelievable mistake of advising his viewers/listeners to examine their churches and, if they determined that their religious leaders used "code words" like "social justice," to reject their religions and walk away from their churches.

No shit. Here are his exact words:

I beg you, look for the words ’social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes! …

If you have a priest that is pushing social justice, go find another parish. Go alert your bishop and tell them, “Excuse me are you down with this whole social justice thing?” If it’s my church, I’m alerting the church authorities: “Excuse me, what’s this social justice thing?” And if they say, “yeah, we’re all in that social justice thing”—I’m in the wrong place.

Smart thinking, there, Glenn-o.

The response was swift and furious: Beck is now in trouble with the Evangelicals. He's in trouble with the Mormons. He's in trouble with the Christians.

In other words, just when you think Beck has run out of people to piss off, he manages to run out and find some more.

This morning, in response to the outrage, Beck went on his show and backed off not one iota. He doubled down, attacking his attackers and continuing to preach that seeking "social justice" is not only anti-American...it's against God.

Forget all that stuff in the Bible about taking care of the "least of these" among us. Forget the thousand upon thousands of Bible verses about caring for the sick and hungry, alleviating the suffering of the poor, of treating your neighbor as yourself.

Forget all that. Don't you know that God wants you to do nothing more than look out for yourself?

I read it in the Book of Glenn. So it must be true.

Mitt Romney: Super American!

2010-03-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney has a new book out and it is going to debut at #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. What's the name of this brilliant tome? Get ready:

"No Apology: The Case for American Greatness."

If I may be the first: Fuck you, Mitt.

See, I've written on the subject of Amercian exceptionalism before and it frankly makes me sick. The whole idea that we, as Americans, are somehow better than the rest of the world simply because we are Americans is inherently ridiculous.

But let's pretend for a minute that it's true. Let's pretend that, upon the day of our births, our creator checks to be sure we're Americans and, once he checks us off on his list, he sheathes our persons in a protective coating of awesomeness that makes us just so much cooler than everbody in every other country in the whole wide world!

Whoo-hoo! How badass would that be!

After that, we can do no wrong. We are perfect. We are exceptional. Our soldiers cannot be faulted for any inappropriate behavior in the field, our black-ops sites overseas are beyond scrutiny, the behavior of our political leaders- which would be considered war crimes if perpetrated by leaders in other countries- is glossed over. Why?

Because we're Americans, dude! We don't apologize. Fuck that! So what if we bomb your wedding party instead of the insurgent camp? Shit happens!

So what if we inter an entire race of people in California during World War II because they're yellow and their eyes look funny? Deal with it!

So what if we distribute blankets covered in smallpox to Native Americans to try and wipe them out? Is it our fault that they don't have exceptional immune systems like us? Shit, no!

Is the American system of government great? Yes it is.

Are there great, iconic, heroic Americans? Yes, there are.

Would I rather live anywhere else in the world? No I would not.

But are we perfect? Are we, by divine providence, exceptional? Are we genetically greater than anyone else on the planet?

No, we're not.

So, Mitt- you pandering, blow-dried, empty suit: take your exceptionally stupid book and shove it up your ass, won't you?

Thanks.

In a Massa Trouble

2010-03-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

The lesson here is: be careful what you wish for.

The nation's leading Republicans, who have spent the past year trying to shoot down every single proposal Obama has made regardless of merit, has been looking for a Democratic turncoat. Somebody from Obama's party who will point the finger at Barack and say "He's a bad man!". A Congressman or Senator who will betray the current Administration and turn to the Dark Side.

Well, this week, they finally got their wish. But what they got turns out to be a whole lot more than they bargained for.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet former Representative Erica Massa (D-NY). Note that he is a former Representative as he was forced to quit his Congressional seat for various and sundry reasons, the main one being: Eric like himself a little grabass around the office.

Oh, and not just the usual, "Say, Betty, I hate to see you leave but I love watching you go" kind of banter that is the traditional fodder for harassment complaints. No, you see, Eric likes to grab himself a nice handful of male staff member and give 'em a squeeze. And a tickle. Eric likes to tickle. A lot.

Don't take my word for it. Ask Eric. Here are some quotes from the past week from Massa himself:

At a wedding over New Year's, Massa "..sat at down at the table where my whole staff was, all of them, by the way, bachelors. One of them looked at me and — as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne — a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid. His points were clear, and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and I said, 'What I really ought to be doing is frakking you,' and then tossled the guy's hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where I shouldn't be there."

"Was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely."

Asked if he was gay, Massa did not deny it, instead saying "Ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy."

Asked if he ever touched male staffers inappropriately, Massa "...acknowledged that he did "grope" male staffers, but that it was merely a "tickle fight".

And right now I'd like to stop for a moment and allow everyone a chance to recover momentarily as many of you are now, like me, on the verge of hurling. Deep breath. Better? Good. Now, back to business.

Here's where it gets interesting. No sooner was Mr. Massa shown the door for these harassment allegations than- lo and behold- he started to complain that, in fact, he was being pushed out by the Obama administration for his opposition to the health care reform legislation.

Never mind that he is among thirty or so Democratic House members who are bull-headedly opposed to the President's plan but he appears to be they only one being "targeted." Forget that. What happened next was: the GOP pounced. They had their guy! Here was a legislator from the other side of the aisle being thrown under the bus by Obama for speaking his mind. Perfect! Let's make him a victim and attack Obama through this Massa guy!

BIG mistake. See, if you're going to try and hitch your wagon to a rising star (pardon the mixed metaphor), you really should choose a star that is rising. This one is...what is the opposite of rising? Ah yes: this particular star is flaming.

Glenn Beck gave Massa an hour on his show and had to apologize at the end for wasting America's time with this ninny. No one is buying his story, especially because the juiciest bits involve a wet, naked Rahm Emmanuel poking him in the chest. And, no, I'm not kidding.

So Massa will now crash and burn, the GOP will do all it can to distance itself from their new BFF and, with any luck, the health care legislation will finally pass.

We can all now enjoy a collective sigh of relief.

I Can Answer That

2010-02-10T07:07:00.001-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Since you're asking:

Fuck no.

Update: Apparently American agrees.

Talk to the Hand

2010-02-09T14:25:00.001-08:00

by Kevin Theis

So...Sarah Palin goes to a little chit-chat at the Teabagger Convention and gets busted using notes written on her own palm during the interview. Big deal, right?

Actually, it is a kinda, sorta big deal because my friends- this woman came just a few million votes short of being next in line for the Most Important Job in the Whole Freaking World and- surprise!- she's a goddamned idiot.

Now hoooold on a bit there, cowboy. Isn't that a bit too harsh? Am I being just a tad too judgmental calling Palin an "idiot" because of this little stunt? After all, Barack Obama is Mr. Teleprompter, right? What's wrong with Sarah using a couple notes of her own?

Here's what's wrong with it: The notes are clearly written for a complete BONEHEAD. Take a look at what Sarah Palin (a) thought was really important to remember and (b) had to take the time to WRITE ON HER HAND because she was worried about forgetting them:

Energy

Budget Cuts

Tax

Lift America's Spirits

Now do me a favor, friends. Close your eyes. And try to remember the words you just read. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Did you remember them? Or did you feel the urge to put Bic-to-palm and jot 'em down in case you forgot? I mean, honestly, if you're going to a TEABAGGER convention and you can't remember to mention Tax Cuts you are.....

....wait for it....

....a God. Damned. Idiot.

Take Nothing for Granite

2010-01-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Normally, Republicans are pretty good at hiding how they really feel about social issues. They use coded language, they speak in careful, broad terms. They watch their mouths because letting your true feelings show can really hurt your chances come election-time, you know?

For example, let's say you're a South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and you despise and loathe poor people. You're not actually going to come out and compare them to, say, "stray animals," are you? Okay, if you're Andre Brauer, maybe you will. (Pop quiz: Why shouldn't you feed stray animals? Bauer: "Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a human ample food supply.") Message: stop feeding the poor! They'll just keep having babies!

Or let's say you have an African-American President and you really hate the fact that he's black. You're not going to actually signal that you've got an inner racist lurking inside, are you? Well, if you're GOP operative Mike Green, maybe you are. Last year, Green tweeted: "JUST HEARD OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS." Cute, huh?

Take homosexuality as a last example. Now, once upon a time, it was perfectly fine for Republican politicians to be anti-gay. It was common knowledge that homosexuality was abnormal and immoral, right? So, GOP anti-gay rhetoric was in full swing.

Well, the times have a-changed, of course, and the new Republican watchword for homosexuals is: tolerance. They don't endorse the homosexual lifestyle, naturally, but they don't condemn it either. They...tolerate it. You know, like you tolerate the annoying neighbor kid who practices his electric guitar at night. Oh, you might hate him on the inside but....you tolerate him. Sometimes, you even try to hook up with them in airport bathrooms. But you don't air your true feelings.

Every once in a while, though, we get to peek behind the Republican Iron Curtain of Truth and see what these guys really think. This time, it is courtesy of New Hampshire State Representative Alfred Baldasaro. Here's the scoop:

Baldasaro's state allows homosexuals to marry (one of the few states in the union that do). And Baldasaro would like to repeal this law and ban same-sex unions. In addition, he's really tired of gay couples taking in orphans and giving them shelter, food and education. (The fiends!) And, as you would expect, Baldasaro has some legitimate reasons for opposing gay marriage and adoption, right?

Wrong. In his testimony before the State House, Baldasaro gave one of his reasons for trying to repeal the legislation. Ready?

"I wanted to make sure everyone understood here, that this legislature sold the rights of $10,000 per kid under title four, when they said that homosexual couples, not married, can adopt."

"So we sold each kid to a homosexual couple that's not married for $10,000," Baldasaro said.

Hear that, Granite Staters? You're not just allowing gay couples to form legal, binding unions and raise kids. No, no. You're selling children for $10,000 a pop. Why, you're practically white slavers! You monsters!

You'd think that this outburst would be enough for this particular elected official, wouldn't you? I mean, after that gem, don't you figure that one of Baldasaro's staffers might tug him on the sleeve and say, sotto voce, "Alfred! Alfred, shut up!"

But no. Alfred wasn't near done:

Baldasaro also brought up incestuous couples, asking "aren't we discriminating against all them?"

Alfred Baldasaro. Looking after the interests of kissin' cousins in the great state of New Hampshire since 1987.

Wait. There's more?

"What about the Muslims now?," he asked."Everyone's praising the Muslims. They're killing us. What about them, they want three, four wives. We're discriminating against them."

Hoo-boy. You've got to hand it to this guy. When he goes off the deep end, he goes waaaaaay off.

Now, you'd also think that a guy who was so clearly homophobic would know better than to include in his diatribe anything suggestive. Anything that could be misconstrued as sexual innuendo, am I right? Sure I am. But as a really early Christmas present, Representative Baldasaro let fly this beauty:

Um...Mr. Baldasaro, in your own words, why can't you let this issue go?

"[B]ecause I disagree on something that's pushed down my throat, I'm supposed to roll over because, representative, you think it's normal? I'm sorry you got the wrong person."

So let's make one thing perfectly clear, you pro-gay New Hampshirites: Do not try to push anything down Representative Baldasaro's throat. Because no matter how hard you try to push it in, Baldasaro is not going to roll over.

I think that's best for all concerned, don't you?

A Cold Cup o' Joe

2010-01-26T07:15:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Joseph "Douchebag" Lieberman is considering running for re-election and, suffice it to say, his prospects of winning are grim. Remember, this is the guy who was defeated in the Democratic primary in Connecticut last time around and responded by bucking his party and running as an Independent (and, somehow, winning).

He then went on to become Thorn #1 in the side of the Democratic Party, throwing his weight around as the former 60th Senator, bolloxing up the health care bill and, most egregiously, campaigning for John McCain last year (even going so far as to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention).

Bottom line: Everybody Hates Joe.

So, how can he win? Well, according to Talking Points Memo, the answer is simple. Run as a Republican. After all, Joe is only nominally a Democrat and it's been years since he acted like one. Why not end the charade?

In his own words:

When asked if he would run as a Republican, Lieberman immediately said that
"it's possible. A good old-fashioned New England moderate Republican."

Yeah, good luck with that whole thing, Joe.

You putz.

John Must Be Throwing a Fit

2010-01-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Well, you could knock me over with a feather. Mrs. McCain...she likes the gays!

Cindy McCain, wife to Arizona Senator, would-be President and former Maverick John McCain has posed for a pro-gay marriage website called the No H8 Campaign. As you can see, she wears a duct-tape gag over her mouth and has the logo for No H8 painted on her face.

McCain was presumably prompted to pose for this ad by her daughter, Meghan, who has long broken with the Republican orthodoxy regarding this issue. To the GoOPers, it's pretty black and white: gay marriage=bad.

Well, not for these Republicans.

Good on ya, Cindy!

Massholes

2010-01-20T11:28:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

Well, they did it. The wise and thoughtful voters of Massachusetts went and filled Ted Kennedy's Senate seat with a freakin' teabagger.

Unbelievable.

This is bad in many, many ways. (In a couple of ways it's good, too, but let's face it: it's mostly bad.)

First, kiss health care reform good-bye. Unless the Democrats can pull off an incredibly clever stunt and get the bill passed in...oh, about two days...this thing is toast. Between Brown and that lickspittle Lieberman, the bill will either die an agonizing death or get so gutted it will reform absolutely nothing.

Oh, and energy? Wave politely at that issue as it walks out the door, too. We've got one of those "Drill, baby, drill!" morons taking up the 41st seat on the other side of the aisle.

Another stimulus package? Ain't gonna happen either. Not with a newly christened Senator No taking up that chair.

Shoot, they might even get the Democrats to lie down and allow the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy to stand. Don't believe me? Just watch.

What a bunch of puss-buckets. How dare the voters of Massachusetts elect the one guy who can successfully kill health care reform, the main issue championed by the man whose office he is inheriting?

And the worst part? Massachusetts already has universal health care. This is a typical example of "I've got mine, now it's time to pull up the ladder behind me."

Hey, Massachusetts? Have I got your attention? Good.

Fuck you, Massachusetts.

Sing It With Me!

2010-01-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

One of these things is not like the other.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Can you tell which thing is not like the other

By the time I finish this song?

Kennedy's Seat

2010-01-18T07:43:00.001-08:00

by Kevin Theis

So things are heating up in Massachussetts (did I spell that right?) this week with a special election tomorrow to fill the vacant Senate seat formerly occupied by Edward Kennedy. The big news is: liberal Massachussetts seems poised to fill the seat with a Republican and, what's worse, a tea-bagger Republican to boot. That sound you're hearing is Teddy doing graveyard cartwheels in his coffin.

The word is that the MA voters- who are three-to-one Democrats- are ginned up to use this election as a referendum on the Obama administration, specifically to reject his health care reform plans. This is particularly galling as no one was more in favor of health care reform that Kennedy himself. So...what's going to happen tomorrow?

Well, call me a cockeyed optimist, but I believe the hype is overblown. At the end of the day, it is my believe that the Democrat- Coakley- will defeat the GOoPer- Brown, but that the story will be spun to talk about how "close" it was and how this election is a "warning shot" across the bow of the Democratic Party. It will, unfortunately, cause more Democrats to waver in their resolve to fix health care. This will occur no matter who wins.

I'm trusting you, my Massachussetts brothers and sisters, to get out the damned vote tomorrow and send Brown packing by decisive margins. Only a clear victory by Coakley will stop the anti-Obama juggernaut in its tracks.

Get out the vote, people!

Blue (and Red) Oyster Cults

2010-01-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

When I was growing up in the early- to mid- 70's, cults were all the rage.

This is not to say that cults did not exist before the 70's- far from it. But at the time, Americans were turning inward and self-examination was what the times they were a-changin' into. This led to a lot of people looking far outside of their comfort zones in an attempt to "find themselves" and charistmatic "religous" leaders snapped up these self-seekers by the armload. The more gifted of these modern messiahs had the ability to build up enormous followings and amass millions upon millions of dollars. The modern cult was born.

Now, cults, as you may know, come in all shapes and sizes. For the ultra-violent dirty hippie crowd, you had the Manson "Family." Charles Manson convinced a farmload of freaky-deaky kids that he was the Second Coming and they went out and slaughtered people at his direction. The images of the young men and women who followed "Charlie" (as well as the terrifying pictures of Manson himself) served to turn the peace-loving hippie stereotype on its head. (And, not incidentally, to ruin the Beatles' "White Album" for a whole hell of a lot of people.)

For real follower followers, though, you had Sun Myung Moon, who ran an outfit called the Unification Church. Well, that's what they called it. We called them "Moonies." Mass-marriages, huge business deals and, as a bonus...they brainwashed your ass. Boo-scary!

Got some extra cash and a lot of free time? Maybe Scientology is your racket. Rid yourself of engrams and all your money at the same time! Or if chanting, colorful costumes, provocative hairstyles and names with very few vowels in them was your thing, the Hare Krishas were more than happy to have you aboard.

But the big news in cults back in the seventies came from South America. In November of 1978, the news broke that over 900 people had died/were killed in Guyana at the headquarters of the People's Temple in Jonestown. For those of you too young to remember, this was a cult started up by a guy named Jim Jones that began in Indiana, transferred to California and eventually settled at its own compound down near the Equator. When the entire compound self-immolated, the Jonestown massacre resulted in the largest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until 9/11/01. And that's saying something.

This horrifying event led to a worldwide backlash against cults which, to a large degree, worked. People, for the most part, stopped running off to join up with such groups and the leaders that inspired such movements weren't fooling very many people anymore. The modern cult movement was, suddenly, dying.

Now? Cults are alive and well again. Only, we don't call them cults anymore. We call them movements. The latest, the "Tea Party" movement, is one such cult. An anti-tax movement protesting a President who...hasn't raised taxes. Can you get more brainwashed than that?

The Fox News cult is bigger than the Hare Krishnas and the Moonies put together. Right wing bloviators, parroting GOP talking points and then spurring their viewers on to criticize and bemoan every move this president makes (good or bad, helpful or otherwise)? That's an uber-cult, baby. And they know how to rake in the cash.

The Apple cult. The Microsoft Cult. The Cult of Glenn Beck. The Cult of NPR.

And then there are the two biggest cults of all: the GOP and the Democrats. And, yes, I include myself as a member of the latter. But that doesn't mean it isn't as much of a cult as the other side. We both have strict orthodoxies, we are both big into recruiting, we have the most sacred sorts of sacred cows, we deify our leaders and excommunication (unless in extreme circumstances) is very rare. Oh, and we also dutifully shovel money at them. Cults. That's what they are.

So while we're not spoon feeding poisoned Kool-Aid to kids or hitting people up for cash in airports, is this really part of a healthy society? A blind obedience to our ideological masters?

I dunno. But until the other side disbands their cult, I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, everybody, now pass the plate...

Heads in the Sand

2009-11-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

There is little left open to debate when it comes to climate change. That emissions from automobiles, factories and homes has forever altered weather patterns, shrunk icebergs and raised sea levels is now established fact. Only the truly far-right wing fringe dares to suggest that global climate change is a fantasy. The only question is: what do we do about it and how fast can we do it.

To address this issue, the United States Senate convened a meeting of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee to address this urgent matter. And that's when things got ugly. From CNN:

"Republicans boycotted a Senate committee hearing Tuesday on a major bill to
reduce emissions of greenhouse gases that contribute to climate change."

Charming. As with the health care debate, the stimulus package and virtually every other important piece of legislation that this Congress and this President want to address, the Republicans are digging in their heels and cementing themselves as the "Party of No."

I don't just mean that they are not contributing to the debate and trying to stifle discussion of these matters. Its worse than that. They are the party of no ideas, no solutions, no flexibility, no fairness, no obligation to their constituents and no soul.

Chairman Barbara Boxer continued the meeting, despite the absence of the minority party members and good for her. We cannot continue to let these morons try to run the show.

They're the minority party. Let's treat them that way.

In An (Upstate) New York State of Mind

2009-11-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Theis

In case you missed it, the drama unfolding in New York State's 23rd District is- for political junkies- the equivalent of pure, uncut heroin.

Here's the Reader's Digest version: New York's 23rd is a solidly Republican district. They haven't elected a Democrat to Congress since the 1800's. So when the Republicans nominated Dede Scozzafava to run for the seat, it seemed a done deal. The Democrats put up a guy named Bill Owens, but nobody seriously expected Owens to win. And that was that.

Well, not quite. See, Ms. Scozzafava has one little problem: she does not hew to the GOP party line. She has her own opinions about abortion (she's pro-choice) and same-sex marriage (she's pro-marriage equality) and these opinions, among others, caused some of the more extreme elements of the Republican party to question whether or not she truly represented Republican values (she doesn't, thank God). Their decision? Put up a third-party "Conservative" candidate, Doug Hoffman.

Now, Hoffman- he's a party animal. As The Atlantic describes him, he says "no to gay marriage, no to abortion, no to tax hikes, yes to strong defense, no on the stimulus bill, no to cap and trade." In short, a GoOPer's wet dream. Sure, he doesn't actually live in the district or have any awareness of the issues facing voters in the 23rd district. But who cares? He doesn't like gay people and wants to stop women from exercising control over their bodies and that's all that really counts, isn't it?

So Hoffman is tapped to run against Scozzafava and Owens and the minute that happens, the GOP starts to fracture. Half of the wingnuts- and we're talking about the far right of the party- gravitate to Hoffman. These endorsements come from from such GOP luminaries as Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Fred "Sleepy" Thompson, Gary Bauer, Dick Armey, Rick "Santorum" Santorum and Steve Forbes. (Frankly, if that group endorsed me, I'd leap off a bridge.)

Scozzafava, however, was backed by the party-line guys. Newt Gingrich and Michael Steele (the GOP Chairman) were duty-bound to back the party's candidate, albeit tepidly. And so the race was on.

Immediately benefiting from this fracture was, of course, Democrat Bill Owens. Nothing like a little opposition party friction to boost your campaign, right? According to last week's polling, Owens was running a little ahead of Scozzafava and a lot ahead of Hoffman.

But that was last week. This week, two political shockers arrived: first, Scozzafava announced that she was suspending her campaign. The immediate thought was: kiss it good-bye Owens. This election is over.

But then the second half of the shocker arrived: Republican Scozzafava was endorsing...the Democrat. Owens was getting Scozzafava's backing and Hoffman was offered the opportunity to go pound sand.

So now...it's really on. All three candidates will appear on the ballot tomorrow. Supporters are pouring cash into the race. And by tomorrow night, New York's 23rd will either have a Conservative Party Congressman or the first Democratic Congressman in over a hundred years.

Should be fun.