The Healthcare Smackdown

by Kevin Theis

Two months ago, it was dead. The Speaker was ineffectual, the Senatre Majority Leader a bumbler and the President was, despite the campaign promises, changing absolutely nothing.

Now? Nancy Pelosi looks like the smartest person in the room. Harry Reid has that LBJ "Master of the Senate" glow. And Barack Obama can proudly say that helped shape one of the most important, far-reaching and historic pieces of legislation in our nation's history.

Who else deserves credit? I'll tell you: the Republican Party. By marching in lock-step, uniting in their stubborn opposition to reform and, basically, spending the past year lying their fool heads off, they managed to steel the backbone of the Democratic Party and cleared the way toward this monumental achievement.

Truly, it makes a big difference when the opposition is comprised of a bunch of entrenched, bitter, obstructionist assholes. Whiny bitches who are so solidly in the pocket of the insurance industry they practically breathe lint.

Who's the leader of the GOP, after all? An orange-headed fountain of hate and deception, the loathesome John Boehner. Not since Karl Rove have we had an enemy who is so clearly evil, so solidly opposed to doing the right thing, so maliciously set against positive reform in any way.

Boehner's agenda is clear: defeat Barack Obama. Not "help the country." Not "enact effective legislation." Not "fix the system." Nope. Boehner and his party have one- and only one- reason for living. They want the President to go down in flames so that they can recapture power. That's it.

Well guess what, boys? You just got taken to the woodshed. All of you. The leather-faced Boehner, that batshit crazy freak Michele Bachmann, the slimy weasel Eric Cantor, consummate douche-bag Steve King...every single one of you got your asses handed to you by the skinny guy with the big ears.

We win. You lose. Now go fuck yourselves.

They won't, of course. They think it's Christmas in March. They believe that the President has just handed them the ammunition they will use to shoot down his party in the November elections. And in certain districts, that might be true. But Nancy, in her wisdom, gave absolution to a number of red-state Democrats and let them vote "no" on the legislation knowing how bad it would play at home. So the GoOPers can't attack them for their vote on this bill. Har-de-har-har.

Not that it matters. These guys are so stuck on crazy that they're going to keep doing what they always do: they're going to double-down. They're going to move further to the right (if that's possible). They're going to continue to obstruct, to obfuscate, to deceive the American people. They're going to whip up their base into a frenzy, further muddying the debate and, sadly, further endangering the country.

Because one of these lunatics on the right is going to snap sooner or later. Like that whacko who flew his plane into the IRS building, one of these Teabaggers is going to take Boehner or Bachmann or Turner or Overdrive just a little too seriously and do something stupid or violent or both.

And you know what they're going to do when that happens, right? You got it:

Blame Barack Obama.

For now, though, Obama can bask in the warming glow of his newly minted, desperately needed, hard fought and hard won legislative victory.

Boo-yah. The good guys win for a change.

Beck Finally Steps In It

by Kevin Theis

It was only a matter of time.

See, if you spout crazy-talk for a few hours every day and you don't employ any kind of editing mechanism between your looney-tunes thoughts and you're actual, out-loud ravings, you're bound to say something ultra-stupid sooner or later.

Glenn Beck's time has arrived.

Oh, I know what you're thinking: Beck's time arrived a while back. The frothing shit-fountain that is his mouth has been spraying crap for years now and nothing he says can shock you at this point. Well, maybe not.

But Beck's targets, you see, are usually well-chosen. He hates progressives, he hates liberals, he hates socialists, Marxists, Mao-loving commie faggots who are out to destroy America. Hell, he hates them so much, they make him weep.

So Beck makes a fortune by going on his show and railing against the left because, hey, who's going to defend them? Up to now, Beck has known exactly what his audience wanted to hear.

Note that I said "up to now."

This week, Beck made the unbelievable mistake of advising his viewers/listeners to examine their churches and, if they determined that their religious leaders used "code words" like "social justice," to reject their religions and walk away from their churches.

No shit. Here are his exact words:

I beg you, look for the words ’social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes! …

If you have a priest that is pushing social justice, go find another parish. Go alert your bishop and tell them, “Excuse me are you down with this whole social justice thing?” If it’s my church, I’m alerting the church authorities: “Excuse me, what’s this social justice thing?” And if they say, “yeah, we’re all in that social justice thing”—I’m in the wrong place.

Smart thinking, there, Glenn-o.

The response was swift and furious: Beck is now in trouble with the Evangelicals. He's in trouble with the Mormons. He's in trouble with the Christians.

In other words, just when you think Beck has run out of people to piss off, he manages to run out and find some more.

This morning, in response to the outrage, Beck went on his show and backed off not one iota. He doubled down, attacking his attackers and continuing to preach that seeking "social justice" is not only anti-American...it's against God.

Forget all that stuff in the Bible about taking care of the "least of these" among us. Forget the thousand upon thousands of Bible verses about caring for the sick and hungry, alleviating the suffering of the poor, of treating your neighbor as yourself.

Forget all that. Don't you know that God wants you to do nothing more than look out for yourself?

I read it in the Book of Glenn. So it must be true.

Mitt Romney: Super American!

by Kevin Theis

Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney has a new book out and it is going to debut at #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. What's the name of this brilliant tome? Get ready:

"No Apology: The Case for American Greatness."

If I may be the first: Fuck you, Mitt.

See, I've written on the subject of Amercian exceptionalism before and it frankly makes me sick. The whole idea that we, as Americans, are somehow better than the rest of the world simply because we are Americans is inherently ridiculous.

But let's pretend for a minute that it's true. Let's pretend that, upon the day of our births, our creator checks to be sure we're Americans and, once he checks us off on his list, he sheathes our persons in a protective coating of awesomeness that makes us just so much cooler than everbody in every other country in the whole wide world!

Whoo-hoo! How badass would that be!

After that, we can do no wrong. We are perfect. We are exceptional. Our soldiers cannot be faulted for any inappropriate behavior in the field, our black-ops sites overseas are beyond scrutiny, the behavior of our political leaders- which would be considered war crimes if perpetrated by leaders in other countries- is glossed over. Why?

Because we're Americans, dude! We don't apologize. Fuck that! So what if we bomb your wedding party instead of the insurgent camp? Shit happens!

So what if we inter an entire race of people in California during World War II because they're yellow and their eyes look funny? Deal with it!

So what if we distribute blankets covered in smallpox to Native Americans to try and wipe them out? Is it our fault that they don't have exceptional immune systems like us? Shit, no!

Is the American system of government great? Yes it is.

Are there great, iconic, heroic Americans? Yes, there are.

Would I rather live anywhere else in the world? No I would not.

But are we perfect? Are we, by divine providence, exceptional? Are we genetically greater than anyone else on the planet?

No, we're not.

So, Mitt- you pandering, blow-dried, empty suit: take your exceptionally stupid book and shove it up your ass, won't you?

Thanks.

In a Massa Trouble

by Kevin Theis

The lesson here is: be careful what you wish for.

The nation's leading Republicans, who have spent the past year trying to shoot down every single proposal Obama has made regardless of merit, has been looking for a Democratic turncoat. Somebody from Obama's party who will point the finger at Barack and say "He's a bad man!". A Congressman or Senator who will betray the current Administration and turn to the Dark Side.

Well, this week, they finally got their wish. But what they got turns out to be a whole lot more than they bargained for.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet former Representative Erica Massa (D-NY). Note that he is a former Representative as he was forced to quit his Congressional seat for various and sundry reasons, the main one being: Eric like himself a little grabass around the office.

Oh, and not just the usual, "Say, Betty, I hate to see you leave but I love watching you go" kind of banter that is the traditional fodder for harassment complaints. No, you see, Eric likes to grab himself a nice handful of male staff member and give 'em a squeeze. And a tickle. Eric likes to tickle. A lot.

Don't take my word for it. Ask Eric. Here are some quotes from the past week from Massa himself:

At a wedding over New Year's, Massa "..sat at down at the table where my whole staff was, all of them, by the way, bachelors. One of them looked at me and — as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne — a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid. His points were clear, and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and I said, 'What I really ought to be doing is frakking you,' and then tossled the guy's hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where I shouldn't be there."

"Was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely."

Asked if he was gay, Massa did not deny it, instead saying "Ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy."

Asked if he ever touched male staffers inappropriately, Massa "...acknowledged that he did "grope" male staffers, but that it was merely a "tickle fight".

And right now I'd like to stop for a moment and allow everyone a chance to recover momentarily as many of you are now, like me, on the verge of hurling. Deep breath. Better? Good. Now, back to business.

Here's where it gets interesting. No sooner was Mr. Massa shown the door for these harassment allegations than- lo and behold- he started to complain that, in fact, he was being pushed out by the Obama administration for his opposition to the health care reform legislation.

Never mind that he is among thirty or so Democratic House members who are bull-headedly opposed to the President's plan but he appears to be they only one being "targeted." Forget that. What happened next was: the GOP pounced. They had their guy! Here was a legislator from the other side of the aisle being thrown under the bus by Obama for speaking his mind. Perfect! Let's make him a victim and attack Obama through this Massa guy!

BIG mistake. See, if you're going to try and hitch your wagon to a rising star (pardon the mixed metaphor), you really should choose a star that is rising. This one is...what is the opposite of rising? Ah yes: this particular star is flaming.

Glenn Beck gave Massa an hour on his show and had to apologize at the end for wasting America's time with this ninny. No one is buying his story, especially because the juiciest bits involve a wet, naked Rahm Emmanuel poking him in the chest. And, no, I'm not kidding.

So Massa will now crash and burn, the GOP will do all it can to distance itself from their new BFF and, with any luck, the health care legislation will finally pass.

We can all now enjoy a collective sigh of relief.