Take Nothing for Granite

by Kevin Theis

Normally, Republicans are pretty good at hiding how they really feel about social issues. They use coded language, they speak in careful, broad terms. They watch their mouths because letting your true feelings show can really hurt your chances come election-time, you know?

For example, let's say you're a South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and you despise and loathe poor people. You're not actually going to come out and compare them to, say, "stray animals," are you? Okay, if you're Andre Brauer, maybe you will. (Pop quiz: Why shouldn't you feed stray animals? Bauer: "Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a human ample food supply.") Message: stop feeding the poor! They'll just keep having babies!

Or let's say you have an African-American President and you really hate the fact that he's black. You're not going to actually signal that you've got an inner racist lurking inside, are you? Well, if you're GOP operative Mike Green, maybe you are. Last year, Green tweeted: "JUST HEARD OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS." Cute, huh?

Take homosexuality as a last example. Now, once upon a time, it was perfectly fine for Republican politicians to be anti-gay. It was common knowledge that homosexuality was abnormal and immoral, right? So, GOP anti-gay rhetoric was in full swing.

Well, the times have a-changed, of course, and the new Republican watchword for homosexuals is: tolerance. They don't endorse the homosexual lifestyle, naturally, but they don't condemn it either. They...tolerate it. You know, like you tolerate the annoying neighbor kid who practices his electric guitar at night. Oh, you might hate him on the inside but....you tolerate him. Sometimes, you even try to hook up with them in airport bathrooms. But you don't air your true feelings.

Every once in a while, though, we get to peek behind the Republican Iron Curtain of Truth and see what these guys really think. This time, it is courtesy of New Hampshire State Representative Alfred Baldasaro. Here's the scoop:

Baldasaro's state allows homosexuals to marry (one of the few states in the union that do). And Baldasaro would like to repeal this law and ban same-sex unions. In addition, he's really tired of gay couples taking in orphans and giving them shelter, food and education. (The fiends!) And, as you would expect, Baldasaro has some legitimate reasons for opposing gay marriage and adoption, right?

Wrong. In his testimony before the State House, Baldasaro gave one of his reasons for trying to repeal the legislation. Ready?

"I wanted to make sure everyone understood here, that this legislature sold the rights of $10,000 per kid under title four, when they said that homosexual couples, not married, can adopt."

"So we sold each kid to a homosexual couple that's not married for $10,000," Baldasaro said.

Hear that, Granite Staters? You're not just allowing gay couples to form legal, binding unions and raise kids. No, no. You're selling children for $10,000 a pop. Why, you're practically white slavers! You monsters!

You'd think that this outburst would be enough for this particular elected official, wouldn't you? I mean, after that gem, don't you figure that one of Baldasaro's staffers might tug him on the sleeve and say, sotto voce, "Alfred! Alfred, shut up!"

But no. Alfred wasn't near done:

Baldasaro also brought up incestuous couples, asking "aren't we discriminating against all them?"

Alfred Baldasaro. Looking after the interests of kissin' cousins in the great state of New Hampshire since 1987.

Wait. There's more?

"What about the Muslims now?," he asked."Everyone's praising the Muslims. They're killing us. What about them, they want three, four wives. We're discriminating against them."

Hoo-boy. You've got to hand it to this guy. When he goes off the deep end, he goes waaaaaay off.

Now, you'd also think that a guy who was so clearly homophobic would know better than to include in his diatribe anything suggestive. Anything that could be misconstrued as sexual innuendo, am I right? Sure I am. But as a really early Christmas present, Representative Baldasaro let fly this beauty:

Um...Mr. Baldasaro, in your own words, why can't you let this issue go?

"[B]ecause I disagree on something that's pushed down my throat, I'm supposed to roll over because, representative, you think it's normal? I'm sorry you got the wrong person."

So let's make one thing perfectly clear, you pro-gay New Hampshirites: Do not try to push anything down Representative Baldasaro's throat. Because no matter how hard you try to push it in, Baldasaro is not going to roll over.

I think that's best for all concerned, don't you?

A Cold Cup o' Joe

by Kevin Theis

Joseph "Douchebag" Lieberman is considering running for re-election and, suffice it to say, his prospects of winning are grim. Remember, this is the guy who was defeated in the Democratic primary in Connecticut last time around and responded by bucking his party and running as an Independent (and, somehow, winning).

He then went on to become Thorn #1 in the side of the Democratic Party, throwing his weight around as the former 60th Senator, bolloxing up the health care bill and, most egregiously, campaigning for John McCain last year (even going so far as to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention).

Bottom line: Everybody Hates Joe.

So, how can he win? Well, according to Talking Points Memo, the answer is simple. Run as a Republican. After all, Joe is only nominally a Democrat and it's been years since he acted like one. Why not end the charade?

In his own words:

When asked if he would run as a Republican, Lieberman immediately said that
"it's possible. A good old-fashioned New England moderate Republican."

Yeah, good luck with that whole thing, Joe.

You putz.

John Must Be Throwing a Fit

by Kevin Theis

Well, you could knock me over with a feather. Mrs. McCain...she likes the gays!

Cindy McCain, wife to Arizona Senator, would-be President and former Maverick John McCain has posed for a pro-gay marriage website called the No H8 Campaign. As you can see, she wears a duct-tape gag over her mouth and has the logo for No H8 painted on her face.

McCain was presumably prompted to pose for this ad by her daughter, Meghan, who has long broken with the Republican orthodoxy regarding this issue. To the GoOPers, it's pretty black and white: gay marriage=bad.

Well, not for these Republicans.

Good on ya, Cindy!

Massholes

by Kevin Theis

Well, they did it. The wise and thoughtful voters of Massachusetts went and filled Ted Kennedy's Senate seat with a freakin' teabagger.

Unbelievable.

This is bad in many, many ways. (In a couple of ways it's good, too, but let's face it: it's mostly bad.)

First, kiss health care reform good-bye. Unless the Democrats can pull off an incredibly clever stunt and get the bill passed in...oh, about two days...this thing is toast. Between Brown and that lickspittle Lieberman, the bill will either die an agonizing death or get so gutted it will reform absolutely nothing.

Oh, and energy? Wave politely at that issue as it walks out the door, too. We've got one of those "Drill, baby, drill!" morons taking up the 41st seat on the other side of the aisle.

Another stimulus package? Ain't gonna happen either. Not with a newly christened Senator No taking up that chair.

Shoot, they might even get the Democrats to lie down and allow the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy to stand. Don't believe me? Just watch.

What a bunch of puss-buckets. How dare the voters of Massachusetts elect the one guy who can successfully kill health care reform, the main issue championed by the man whose office he is inheriting?

And the worst part? Massachusetts already has universal health care. This is a typical example of "I've got mine, now it's time to pull up the ladder behind me."

Hey, Massachusetts? Have I got your attention? Good.

Fuck you, Massachusetts.

Sing It With Me!

One of these things is not like the other.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Can you tell which thing is not like the other

By the time I finish this song?

Kennedy's Seat

by Kevin Theis

So things are heating up in Massachussetts (did I spell that right?) this week with a special election tomorrow to fill the vacant Senate seat formerly occupied by Edward Kennedy. The big news is: liberal Massachussetts seems poised to fill the seat with a Republican and, what's worse, a tea-bagger Republican to boot. That sound you're hearing is Teddy doing graveyard cartwheels in his coffin.

The word is that the MA voters- who are three-to-one Democrats- are ginned up to use this election as a referendum on the Obama administration, specifically to reject his health care reform plans. This is particularly galling as no one was more in favor of health care reform that Kennedy himself. So...what's going to happen tomorrow?

Well, call me a cockeyed optimist, but I believe the hype is overblown. At the end of the day, it is my believe that the Democrat- Coakley- will defeat the GOoPer- Brown, but that the story will be spun to talk about how "close" it was and how this election is a "warning shot" across the bow of the Democratic Party. It will, unfortunately, cause more Democrats to waver in their resolve to fix health care. This will occur no matter who wins.

I'm trusting you, my Massachussetts brothers and sisters, to get out the damned vote tomorrow and send Brown packing by decisive margins. Only a clear victory by Coakley will stop the anti-Obama juggernaut in its tracks.

Get out the vote, people!

Blue (and Red) Oyster Cults

by Kevin Theis

When I was growing up in the early- to mid- 70's, cults were all the rage.

This is not to say that cults did not exist before the 70's- far from it. But at the time, Americans were turning inward and self-examination was what the times they were a-changin' into. This led to a lot of people looking far outside of their comfort zones in an attempt to "find themselves" and charistmatic "religous" leaders snapped up these self-seekers by the armload. The more gifted of these modern messiahs had the ability to build up enormous followings and amass millions upon millions of dollars. The modern cult was born.

Now, cults, as you may know, come in all shapes and sizes. For the ultra-violent dirty hippie crowd, you had the Manson "Family." Charles Manson convinced a farmload of freaky-deaky kids that he was the Second Coming and they went out and slaughtered people at his direction. The images of the young men and women who followed "Charlie" (as well as the terrifying pictures of Manson himself) served to turn the peace-loving hippie stereotype on its head. (And, not incidentally, to ruin the Beatles' "White Album" for a whole hell of a lot of people.)

For real follower followers, though, you had Sun Myung Moon, who ran an outfit called the Unification Church. Well, that's what they called it. We called them "Moonies." Mass-marriages, huge business deals and, as a bonus...they brainwashed your ass. Boo-scary!

Got some extra cash and a lot of free time? Maybe Scientology is your racket. Rid yourself of engrams and all your money at the same time! Or if chanting, colorful costumes, provocative hairstyles and names with very few vowels in them was your thing, the Hare Krishas were more than happy to have you aboard.

But the big news in cults back in the seventies came from South America. In November of 1978, the news broke that over 900 people had died/were killed in Guyana at the headquarters of the People's Temple in Jonestown. For those of you too young to remember, this was a cult started up by a guy named Jim Jones that began in Indiana, transferred to California and eventually settled at its own compound down near the Equator. When the entire compound self-immolated, the Jonestown massacre resulted in the largest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until 9/11/01. And that's saying something.

This horrifying event led to a worldwide backlash against cults which, to a large degree, worked. People, for the most part, stopped running off to join up with such groups and the leaders that inspired such movements weren't fooling very many people anymore. The modern cult movement was, suddenly, dying.

Now? Cults are alive and well again. Only, we don't call them cults anymore. We call them movements. The latest, the "Tea Party" movement, is one such cult. An anti-tax movement protesting a President who...hasn't raised taxes. Can you get more brainwashed than that?

The Fox News cult is bigger than the Hare Krishnas and the Moonies put together. Right wing bloviators, parroting GOP talking points and then spurring their viewers on to criticize and bemoan every move this president makes (good or bad, helpful or otherwise)? That's an uber-cult, baby. And they know how to rake in the cash.

The Apple cult. The Microsoft Cult. The Cult of Glenn Beck. The Cult of NPR.

And then there are the two biggest cults of all: the GOP and the Democrats. And, yes, I include myself as a member of the latter. But that doesn't mean it isn't as much of a cult as the other side. We both have strict orthodoxies, we are both big into recruiting, we have the most sacred sorts of sacred cows, we deify our leaders and excommunication (unless in extreme circumstances) is very rare. Oh, and we also dutifully shovel money at them. Cults. That's what they are.

So while we're not spoon feeding poisoned Kool-Aid to kids or hitting people up for cash in airports, is this really part of a healthy society? A blind obedience to our ideological masters?

I dunno. But until the other side disbands their cult, I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, everybody, now pass the plate...