Mitt Romney: Super American!

by Kevin Theis

Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney has a new book out and it is going to debut at #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. What's the name of this brilliant tome? Get ready:

"No Apology: The Case for American Greatness."

If I may be the first: Fuck you, Mitt.

See, I've written on the subject of Amercian exceptionalism before and it frankly makes me sick. The whole idea that we, as Americans, are somehow better than the rest of the world simply because we are Americans is inherently ridiculous.

But let's pretend for a minute that it's true. Let's pretend that, upon the day of our births, our creator checks to be sure we're Americans and, once he checks us off on his list, he sheathes our persons in a protective coating of awesomeness that makes us just so much cooler than everbody in every other country in the whole wide world!

Whoo-hoo! How badass would that be!

After that, we can do no wrong. We are perfect. We are exceptional. Our soldiers cannot be faulted for any inappropriate behavior in the field, our black-ops sites overseas are beyond scrutiny, the behavior of our political leaders- which would be considered war crimes if perpetrated by leaders in other countries- is glossed over. Why?

Because we're Americans, dude! We don't apologize. Fuck that! So what if we bomb your wedding party instead of the insurgent camp? Shit happens!

So what if we inter an entire race of people in California during World War II because they're yellow and their eyes look funny? Deal with it!

So what if we distribute blankets covered in smallpox to Native Americans to try and wipe them out? Is it our fault that they don't have exceptional immune systems like us? Shit, no!

Is the American system of government great? Yes it is.

Are there great, iconic, heroic Americans? Yes, there are.

Would I rather live anywhere else in the world? No I would not.

But are we perfect? Are we, by divine providence, exceptional? Are we genetically greater than anyone else on the planet?

No, we're not.

So, Mitt- you pandering, blow-dried, empty suit: take your exceptionally stupid book and shove it up your ass, won't you?

Thanks.