Take Nothing for Granite

by Kevin Theis

Normally, Republicans are pretty good at hiding how they really feel about social issues. They use coded language, they speak in careful, broad terms. They watch their mouths because letting your true feelings show can really hurt your chances come election-time, you know?

For example, let's say you're a South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and you despise and loathe poor people. You're not actually going to come out and compare them to, say, "stray animals," are you? Okay, if you're Andre Brauer, maybe you will. (Pop quiz: Why shouldn't you feed stray animals? Bauer: "Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a human ample food supply.") Message: stop feeding the poor! They'll just keep having babies!

Or let's say you have an African-American President and you really hate the fact that he's black. You're not going to actually signal that you've got an inner racist lurking inside, are you? Well, if you're GOP operative Mike Green, maybe you are. Last year, Green tweeted: "JUST HEARD OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS." Cute, huh?

Take homosexuality as a last example. Now, once upon a time, it was perfectly fine for Republican politicians to be anti-gay. It was common knowledge that homosexuality was abnormal and immoral, right? So, GOP anti-gay rhetoric was in full swing.

Well, the times have a-changed, of course, and the new Republican watchword for homosexuals is: tolerance. They don't endorse the homosexual lifestyle, naturally, but they don't condemn it either. They...tolerate it. You know, like you tolerate the annoying neighbor kid who practices his electric guitar at night. Oh, you might hate him on the inside but....you tolerate him. Sometimes, you even try to hook up with them in airport bathrooms. But you don't air your true feelings.

Every once in a while, though, we get to peek behind the Republican Iron Curtain of Truth and see what these guys really think. This time, it is courtesy of New Hampshire State Representative Alfred Baldasaro. Here's the scoop:

Baldasaro's state allows homosexuals to marry (one of the few states in the union that do). And Baldasaro would like to repeal this law and ban same-sex unions. In addition, he's really tired of gay couples taking in orphans and giving them shelter, food and education. (The fiends!) And, as you would expect, Baldasaro has some legitimate reasons for opposing gay marriage and adoption, right?

Wrong. In his testimony before the State House, Baldasaro gave one of his reasons for trying to repeal the legislation. Ready?

"I wanted to make sure everyone understood here, that this legislature sold the rights of $10,000 per kid under title four, when they said that homosexual couples, not married, can adopt."

"So we sold each kid to a homosexual couple that's not married for $10,000," Baldasaro said.

Hear that, Granite Staters? You're not just allowing gay couples to form legal, binding unions and raise kids. No, no. You're selling children for $10,000 a pop. Why, you're practically white slavers! You monsters!

You'd think that this outburst would be enough for this particular elected official, wouldn't you? I mean, after that gem, don't you figure that one of Baldasaro's staffers might tug him on the sleeve and say, sotto voce, "Alfred! Alfred, shut up!"

But no. Alfred wasn't near done:

Baldasaro also brought up incestuous couples, asking "aren't we discriminating against all them?"

Alfred Baldasaro. Looking after the interests of kissin' cousins in the great state of New Hampshire since 1987.

Wait. There's more?

"What about the Muslims now?," he asked."Everyone's praising the Muslims. They're killing us. What about them, they want three, four wives. We're discriminating against them."

Hoo-boy. You've got to hand it to this guy. When he goes off the deep end, he goes waaaaaay off.

Now, you'd also think that a guy who was so clearly homophobic would know better than to include in his diatribe anything suggestive. Anything that could be misconstrued as sexual innuendo, am I right? Sure I am. But as a really early Christmas present, Representative Baldasaro let fly this beauty:

Um...Mr. Baldasaro, in your own words, why can't you let this issue go?

"[B]ecause I disagree on something that's pushed down my throat, I'm supposed to roll over because, representative, you think it's normal? I'm sorry you got the wrong person."

So let's make one thing perfectly clear, you pro-gay New Hampshirites: Do not try to push anything down Representative Baldasaro's throat. Because no matter how hard you try to push it in, Baldasaro is not going to roll over.

I think that's best for all concerned, don't you?