What Conservativism Really Means

As brand names go, Conservatives have a great one. I mean, what's not to like about being "conservative?" You look at the term and you immediately think "That is something I would like to be, maybe. Not too extreme, not too reserved. Somewhere in between. Conservative. Yeah. I'm a Conservative."

Liberals, on the other hand, are saddled with a real doozy of a moniker. Ever wonder why "liberal" fell out of favor so fast (Betamax) while "conservative" (VHS) stuck around? Because "liberal" just didn't have the marketing. (Sure, Beta had a better picture but...you can't argue with fate, can you?)

You can just hear it: "Liberal? What the hell does that mean? You have no morals at all, do ya? You don't care what anyone does or who they do it to because, hey, you're 'liberal.' Why, I'll bet there's nuthin' you liberals won't allow, is there? Pinko, commie, tax and spend liberals!"

See how that works?

Here's the thing, though: "conservative" as a personal philosphy and "Conservative" (big "C") as a political ideology are two entirely different things. To illustrate, let's use an example of a person who has been in the news lately- media uber-star Rush Limbaugh.

Now there, ladies and gentlemen, is a Conservative. Can you think of a better touchstone for Conservative principles? I can't. So let's use him.

What- to begin with- does Rush stand for? Well, for one thing, he doesn't like government. Government, you see, is essentially bad. Government is intrusive. It tells you what to do. It's big and unweildy. And, let's not forget, expensive. Also, it has the audacity to make laws that you have to abide (like some schmuck!) instead of letting you snort all the controlled substances you want. Stupid government! Plus, Government gives assistance to people who are out of work, who are hungry, who are...dear God!...in the arts.

Oh, it gets worse. To accomplish this, the Government- are you ready for this?- takes your money. Your hard earned money! It just....takes it! Like a thief! And that, folks, is absolutely horrifying.

You see, like all conservatives, Rush likes his money. He wants to keep it. He'd like to keep pretty near all of it, or at least as much as he can. He certainly doesn't want it spent on anything he doesn't approve of (who does?), but...when you don't approve of Government to begin with, well...then you don't want very much of your money spent on it, do you?

So what have we got so far as a Conservative philosphy? Government= bad. Money=good. Okay, now we're cookin'.

Next? God. Now I know what you're thinking. What the heck does God have to do with politics? "Conservative" just means being smart, moderate and safe. You know- conserving. What does that have to do with religion? Turns out: a lot.

See, if you're a liberal, you clearly don't care about God. His laws mean nothing to you. You, for example, don't think there's anything wrong with gay people. Um, hello! Have you noticed that--- psst!--- they're, like, totally gay. God doesn't like that!

And He doesn't like women having control over their own bodies, either. Didn't you know that? If your uncle molests you or you get raped and- whoops!- it results in your getting pregnant, hey- too bad. Fetuses are people from the moment sperm and egg do the wango-de-tango. It doesn't matter if it was between a loving, married couple or the result of a violent encounter with a sexaul predator. Once you get knocked up, your body is no longer your own. So, ladies, forget about the termination of early pregnancy. The Lord is pretty clear on this point.

So given that those goddamn liberals are polar opposites on these points, where are the religious to turn? No place else to go but the Conservatives! And so they sign up for the GOP Kool Aid. But the religious folks in America, a long while back, got really, really smart about politics. "Heck," they said, "we can do better than simply join the Conservatives! We'll become their base! Yeah! That totally rocks! In a, you know, gospel rock kinda way."

And that's just what they did. They became what we now know as the Religious Right. And folks, these are the guys who really run the whole Conservative show.

So there you have it. The bedrock principles: Government sucks, money is great and God is all powerful and all controlling and woe betide the man who says otherwise.

Take these three principles, mix 'em up good and there's only one ingredient missing to complete our typical Conservative. Can you guess what it is? It isn't easy, so I'll just let you in on it:

Shameless, egocentric, hate-filled, love of one's self. In other words: being a Conservative means being an asshole...and never having to say you're sorry.

Think I'm being simply mean? Or that I'm throwing "asshole" around as if it were a meaningless term? I wish! Listen up, because this is the real thrust of this post:

The real magnet that draws so many people to the Conservative philosophy is- and I'm not joking- the idea that it is completely and totally fine for you to be a total dick.

For example, the environment. The primary philosophy of Conservatives regarding the environment is: who gives a shit? Leave the polluters alone! Don't enact emission restrictions or make compliance mandatory! Why would you handcuff industry like that? When....ahem...did any industry ever make a mess of the environment?

Oh, and another thing: it's fine to ignore science and claim that global climate change is a hoax. Go ahead! It's GOOD to ignore facts! Really! It's FINE.

You want other examples of shameless assholism? Here are a few things the Conservatives believe to their core: First- cut services to the poor. If people are poor, it is their own fault. Yes, people get laid off and their kids get hungry. But not smart people! For God's sake don't feed these dummies or (shudder) give them insurance! Besides, if you give the poor money they'll only spend it on booze. So please- stop helping the poor.

Oh, and feminists are stupid, ugly lesbians. All of them. And human rights for prisoners is for pussies. And unions are only for socialist societies. And the death penalty is hunky-dorey. And foreigners are despicable. (And weird. And often brown. Which is weirder.) And immigrants are destroying the country and should be shot by vigilantes whenever possible.

Some tips for Conservativs: Drive the biggest car you can. Wear fur every day. Laugh at the disadvantaged. View the working class as suckers. Sneer at the powerless. Why not? What are they gonna do? They're powerless!

Taken together, the philosophy of Rush Limbaugh (and, thus, the Conservatives in general) is simply this: Think only of yourself. Nothing matters beyond your own front lawn. The future is non-existent. Today is everything. Today's profits. Today's pleasures. Today's momentary, fleeting rewards.

So what begins as a logical, non-threatening philosophy becomes, when placed in the hands of politicians, the most awesome, evil, frightening force in the history of American politics. For now, yes- they are in disfavor. For now, at least, they are the minority.

Pray that it stays that way.

Oh, wait. I forgot. You're godless liberals aren't you? What the hell do you know about praying?

Heathens.

Lies, Lies and Damned Lies

Sorry for the following, but I've quite a bit to say. Hang on tight.

This week saw the enactment, at last, of the Obama stimulus plan. And, yes, the stock market ticked up a bit, but it isn't wise to use the Dow Jones as much of a barometer anymore. As we've learned, the market is run by a gang of morons.

But the Obama Express just keeps rolling. Every week...hell, practicaly every day, the Administration rolls back another onerous Bush rule, drop-kicks another Bush regulation and is slowly, inevitably steering this country back on course.

The result? Obama is immensely popular. Americans, on the whole, can see that Obama is not only working hard- he's working smart. He's doing so much, in fact, that there is some criticism that he's doing too much, if you can believe that. My reaction to that is: leave the guy alone. He has eight years of bullshit to undo.

The right-wing punditocracy is going absolutely apeshit. "Socialism!" doesn't seem to have lost its sting as the GoOPer word of the year, so they're tossing that at Obama pretty hard. But darned if it doesn't stick. Some, as we've mentioned, are trying to get him to assume ownership of this loser economy. But, as we've demonstrated, this isn't his mess. It's Bush's mess and Barack is just doing the dirty work of picking up after the Chimp.

But it brings me to my main point: let's suppose, in some Bizarro World, that Barack Obama- president for less that two months, remember- is somehow responsible for our current financial disaster. I know he isn't. You know he isn't. But let's try, for a moment, to think like a right-winger. (Owww! It hurts!) Stay with me.

So...Barack is to blame for the tanking stock market, the loss of a million-plus jobs so far this year, my rapidly disappearing hairline...everything. Barack owns it ALL.

So explain something to me: If this is so...why was it that September 11th, 2001 was all Bill Clinton's fault? You remember this, don't you? In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, when the country was casting about to blame someone for the worst attack on American soil in our history, who did the right wing decide was the boogeyman? Bill Clinton.

"He didn't do enough to protect the country against terrorists! He didn't have a system in place during the transition to the new Administration! He was derelict in his duties! It was Clinton's fault!" Uh-huh. Forget Richard Clarke's testimony to the contrary. Forget that the 9/11 Commission laid most of the blame at the feet of the Bush Administration. Forget the bin Laden memo that Bush got (and ignored) a month before the attacks. Forget it all.

Bush was president for eight months when the attacks occurred in September of 2001. The Congress and Senate at the time were both in the hands of the Republicans. And yet who was to blame when those planes crashed into the towers? Bill Clinton. Believe it.

And yet here we are, less than sixty days after Obama was signed in and the economic mess is.....all Obama's fault.

Is it any wonder that the Republican party's popularity is in the toilet? They have no credibility, no morality, no inspiration and no leadership. Everyone with a brain can see these lying, wack-job, greedy, me-only fuckheads for what they are. And they CANNOT get their shit together. Hell, they're about to kick their newly appointed head of the GOP out of office less than three months after he took over! It is a party in disarray and thank goodness for that.

(My favorite poll from the past month is the one that shows the Democrats have more than a third of the country affiliating themselves with their party. The Republicans? Two points lower than the Independents. That's a party in huge trouble.)

Keep on rollin', Barack. We got your back. And you're doing great. Rock on.

Obama and the Stock Market

It's interesting to watch what kind of tactics the Right is employing to lay the current economic crisis at the feet of our brand-spankin' new President. I mean, I know it makes no sense to blame the guy who has been in office for six weeks on the implosion of our national economy but...that's what these people need to do to regain power. They must blame Obama.

The latest attack involves the stock market. Have you noticed that it is in the toilet? Perhaps you have. So who is to blame for this disaster on Wall Street? Barack Obama, of course.

In today's Chicago Tribune, for example, there is this letter:

When Obama was elected, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed at 9,625. When he was sworn into office, it closed at 7,949, and this week it closed at 6,763. This represents a 30 percent reduction in the value of U.S. companies and investor wealth, over half of it while he was in office.

Well, gee whiz! When you put it that way, clearly the fault lies with Obama and his economic policies. Why, what a disaster this president is! Ooooh, the horror!

Put it another way however....

When Obama was elected (two months before he had any Presidential power at all and could begin to implement his economic policy), the Dow Jones was at 9,625. When he was sworn into office (and weeks before he could pass his economic recovery plan), it closed at 7,949. This week, days after signing his economic recovery plan into law (but before it has had a chance to begin working), it closed at 6,763.

In other words, the tanking stock market is still the proud property of George W. Bush. When Obama's plan kicks in, and it will happen soon, and the market stays in the hole, then you can balame Barack.

Until then...shut your pie hole.

Letting the Snake Eat Itself

In case anyone was wondering, it is now official. Rush Limbaugh owns the Republican party.

Two days ago, I discussed how the conservative talk show blowhard had, for all intents and purposes, taken over the GOP. Honestly, I had no idea just how right I was. Events of the last 48 hours have confirmed that he is not simply the leader of the party. He holds the keys, drives the car and takes a switch to anyone who doesn't kow-tow to him.

Exhibit A: Republican Party Chair Michael Steele.

Over the weekend, Steele appeared on D.L. Hughley's television show and, when confronted with the accusation that Rush had taken over the GOP, responded that, no, in actuality, Steele was the head of the Republicans. Then he said:

"Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer. Rush Limbaugh's whole thing is entertainment. Yes, it is incendiary. Yes, it is ugly."

Whoops. Rush, suffice it to say, was not pleased.

Yesterday, the OxyContin spokesmodel got on his squawk box and let Steele have it with both barrells. Some selected quotes:

"Michael Steele, you are head of the RNC. You are not head of the Republican Party. Tens of millions of conservatives and Republicans have nothing to do with the RNC and right now they want nothing to do with it, and when you call them asking them for money, they hang up on you."

"It's time, Mr. Steele, for you to go behind the scenes and start doing the work that you were elected to do instead of trying to be some talking head media star, which you're having a tough time pulling off. I hope you figure out how to run a primary system. But it seems to me that it's Michael Steele who is off to a shaky start."

"Republicans, conservatives, are sick and tired of being talked down to, sick and tired of being lectured to, and until you show some understanding and respect for who they are, you're going to have a tough time rebuilding your party."

Man, somebody pinch me! I'm in left-wing, liberal, latte-sippin', Volvo-drivin', French-food eatin' heaven! When the GOP and Limbaugh are at each other's throats, well...order me up a ringside seat, won't you?

The question then became: What will Steele do? Will he dig in his heels and insist that the Republican agenda is not determined by some overweight pill-popping loudmouth? Will he show some backbone? Prove that he is, in fact, the leader of his party?

Don't you bet on it:

"There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership," Steele said Monday. He added, "There are those out there who want to look at what he's saying as incendiary and divisive and ugly. That's what I was trying to say. It didn't come out that way."

And:

"I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren't what I was
thinking," Steele told Politico. "I'm not going to engage these guys and sit
back and provide them the popcorn for a fight between me and Rush Limbaugh."

Too late, Mike! (munch, munch, munch)

And with that, Mr. Steele effectively put a sign around his neck that reads: "Limbaugh's Bitch."

So let the word go forth, throughout the land. There is no longer any question of who is the anointed head of the Republican party. And he is not, as you may have thought, the erudite African-American former lieutenant governor of Maryland and current head of the RNC. Nosiree Bob.

He is, in fact, the three-hundred pound thrice-divorced mouth-breather in front of the microphone in South Florida. And, as events have shown, you anger this beast at your peril.

Beware!

The GOP Straw Poll "Winners"

So it appears that when you go to the CPAC meeting, you not only get the "pleasure" of hearing from such great minds as Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and other big-brained conservative luminaries. Oh, that's where the fun just begins. In addition to being serenaded by these mental giants, it turns out that you also get to participate in a straw poll.

So the question is, which one of the conservative superstars (there are so many!) will come out on top this year? I mean, the winner of the last two conservative straw polls was Mitt Romney, and he couldn't even manage to win the GOP nomination last year! (Loser!)

So who is this year's winner? Drum roll please.....................................................

The winner is:

Mitt Romney? Hmmm. That seems odd. Who were the other candidates? Let's see.

Ron Paul. Oookay. Sarah Palin. Right. Bobby Jindal. Yeesh. What a crew!

These are your front-runner's, eh? Well, all I can say is....

Good luck with that whole thing.