The Bart Simpson Defense

Governor Hairball (D-IL) got up on his hind legs today and proclaimed his innocence. And I'll be honest with you, he was pretty convincing. After hearing him on the radio and then reading the transcript, I am now thoroughly convinced he's guilty. Let's parse this bag-a-la-douche, shall we? From CNN.com:

The governor firmly denied wrongdoing Thursday, as he has all week on television talk shows.

Well, if he said it on a talk show, it MUST be true...

"If I felt I did something wrong, I would have resigned in December," he said. "If I felt I violated a law, I would meet my responsibility, I would have resigned in December."

I love this guy. It isn't whether or not he actually did anything wrong. It's whether or not he felt that he did something wrong. But hey- he felt like what he did was okay so, badda-boom, it must be okay! Ipso facto! E pluribus and shit!

"I wouldn't put my family through this, I wouldn't put you through this, and most importantly, I wouldn't put the people of Illinois through this."

Aw, sure you would, you tool. Just like the Burris thing was a big poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Every day, in every way, you prove just what a collosal boob you are.

"But I didn't resign then, and I'm not resigning now, because I have done nothing wrong."

If I had a nickel for everything you did wrong, Roddy, I'd be able to afford to become the Junior Senator from Illinois. Know what I'm sayin'?

"How can you throw a governor out of office with insufficient and incomplete evidence?"

Brother, you just watch us.

Not One Vote

So President Obama's stimulus package sailed through the House yesterday and is safely on its way to the Senate. So far so good. And in the spirit of bipartisanship, Mr. Obama, true to his word, reached out to the Republican members of the House and asked for their support for this desperately needed measure. Their response?

Not one Republican voted for it. Know why? Because the Republican leadership wouldn't allow it. That's some tight-fisted control, ladies and gents. Not one stinkin' vote.

On the other side, however, eleven Democrats managed to vote against it. This is for two reasons: first, these are men and women from very conservative districts and their constituents would look askance at them for voting for such an expensive measure. But the real reason: the Democrats let you vote the way you feel you should vote. (Do they occasionally twist arms? They do. But not like their GOoPer bretheren.)

And so, this measure will eventually pass with little or no Republican participation. And to that, I say: good. Fuck those guys. We don't need 'em. I admire Barack for reaching out to them, but if they don't want to play, well then- fuck 'em.

For those of you old enough to remember, this same thing happened in '93. Clinton was pushing his economic plan to get us out of the Bush slump and the Republicans (again, on cue) went apeshit. "It'll never work! Those tax and spend liberals are at it again! Armaggedon!"

So what happened? Seven-plus years of unprecedented growth in America. And Clinton got to take all the credit.

Keep it up, Barack. You're doing great. One measure by which you can judge how well you are performing is how vehemently the opposing party is fighting you. And judging by their reaction yesterday?

You're kicking ass.

Dear Barack...

Maybe you knew this, maybe you didn't, but when Barack Obama first sat down at his desk in the Oval Office last week, the first thing he found in the drawer was a letter from his predecessor, George W. Bush. Bush was carrying on a tradition that began when Ronald Reagan left a letter to Chimpy's dad, the first (and legitimate) President Bush.

It is not common practice for the new President to release this letter to the press, but I have managed to put my hands on a copy (don't ask me how...thanks, Malia!) and I will now share it with you:

Dear Presnit O'Bama:

Feels pretty good, don't it? Sittin' in that big chair, lookin' out over that big, almost-round room and thinkin' "Boy howdy! I'm the freakin' President of the United States!". Gives you a rush, dunnit? It sure did to me.

You're probly wondering what to do first. Well, here's why I would do: Kick back, son! You earned it! Take the afternoon off and just bask in your own glory! Shit, my first day? I didn't let anybody in the room for hours. I just pulled the curtains and hopped around the room saying to myself "I'm the Preeeeee-sident! I'm the
Preeeees-I-Dent! I'm the Most Powerful! Man! In! The! World!" And then I ordered up some ribs and fries. Know why? 'Cause I could! I'm the muthafuckin' President!

It was really cool. I highly recommend it. And it's real important to enjoy that first day? Know why? Because the second day sucks.

I ain't kiddin'. You wouldn't believe the amount of reading I had to do in the past eight years! It was, like, every day. "I got a new memo from the Secretary of Defense!", "I got a letter from the President of Bigboobistan!", "I got a secret, coded message from the Vice President and it smells like sulpher!"

That shit just didn't stop. Know how I dealt with it? Brush clearin'. I'd mosey down to Crawford, strap on my boots and jeans and clean me some brush. It was hot work,
but it beat the shit out of readin' those daily bulletins, I can tell you!

Here's another tip: Have some fun while you can! Give the press guys some funny nicknames like Stretch and Fatty and Too Tall and Boner-Boy. They love it. Trust me.

Hey, look- I know you've got some dancing around to do, so I'll make this short: This can be a really, really awesome job, but you can't take it too seriously. It'll wear you out. Take at least one month every year (or even twice a year!) and sneak out of town for some fun. You're from Hawaii, right? Go there whenever you can! Folks like to see their President takin' it easy. It gives them confidence that things are going well, even when they're really, really not.

That's it for me. Oh and hey- I'm real sorry about the big shitpile I left you! My bad!

Best-

George

Wanna bet it was a lot like that?

Pie-Face Gets the Boot

My beloved New York Times has finally come to its senses and shit-canned William Kristol. Let there be dancing in the streets.

The reason they let him go is manifest: he's a crappy writer. But more than that, he is just so wrong so much of the time. Guaranteed, if Bill predicts it, it ain't gonna happen.

And, as the HuffPo article duly notes, "[I]t's also further evidence that the right itself is cracking up and that Obama is accelerating its destruction. By peeling off leading commentators on the right, Obama has a chance -- not a big one, mind you, but still a chance -- to create the bipartisan political environment that he promised during the campaign."

Amen. And Bill, the door is that way. Use it.

Obama's First Week

It's been seven days. Are we out of the woods yet?

Well, no but, I'll say this: it's been a hell of a good start. Let's review Barack's first week, shall we? And these are just off the top of my head:

As previously mentioned, he signed an Executive Order to close the Guantanamo Bay detention center within a year. Fair enough. He then lifted the Global Gag Rule that barred Federal funds to aid organizations overseas that offered abortion as an option, he asked the EPA to reconsider their decision to disallow California from creating their own fuel economy standards, appointed Richard Holbrooke for special envoy to Afghanistan and Pakistan, he asked the Bush Administration's Attorneys General to stay on for a while to ensure a smoother transition, he appointed George Mitchell as his Mideast envoy, he continues to push for a stimulus package that could be implemented quickly and he managed to get all of his Cabinet appointees confirmed.

Not bad, eh?

Well, if you're Michael Novak over at the National Review, it has been a terrible week. Here's his take:

The Obama presidency is only one week old, but it has already limned its main moral outlines:

On January 20, President Obama called for the repeal of the Defense
of Marriage Act. He also declared his intention to give multiple rights and privileges to homosexual couples.

On January 22, he issued an order announcing his intention to close the
detention facility at Guantanamo Bay within one year, but admits he has not figured out how to do that. President Bush had expressed a similar wish, but could find no nations willing to take responsibility for the detainees.

On January 23, President Obama issued an order that authorizes tax
dollars for abortions abroad.

From these announcements we learn that President Obama recognizes no difference between the Jewish-Christian covenant between a woman and a man (a covenant that they will have and nurture children, if they are so blessed), and a civil contract between two persons of any sex, in order to set up a household of affection and sexual favors.

This is a relapse into paganism. The point of monogamous family networks is to treat male and female with complementary and mutually cooperative dignity and to tie the power of sexuality (male, especially) to self-sacrificing communities of love.

We learn, second, that this president’s guiding light in matters of national security is not a realistic assessment of the national interest but personal concern for what kind of figure he is cutting in the international eye. Good headlines first, practical thinking later.

Thirdly, we learn that the president is willing to do what a substantial bloc of U.S. taxpayers abhor, and will resist in conscience. Moreover, it is a mistake to think that people in most other nations love, honor, and respect the secularist preoccupation with abortion.

The first week did not have to begin this way. These first steps were unworthy of a great nation and unworthy of a serious leader. These decisions humiliated those who voted for President Obama because they had been assured, and assured others, that the new president would take seriously the culture of life.

Don't you love these assholes? "This is a relapse into paganism!" What a maroon. I mean, Obama runs on a platform and then, when he takes power, he actually implements that platform and guys like Novak jump up onto chairs and start shreiking like little girls. Guess what, Mike? George Bush is gone. New man in town. New policies. Deal with it, ya big pussy.

Congratulations, Mr. President. Great start. Keep it up.

Gitmo is Closing! Run for Your Lives!

Among his first acts as President, Barack Obama has fulfilled a campaign promise by signing an executive order to close Guantanamo Bay's detention center in a year. Naturally, everyone who believes in the rule of law and the American judicial system are very pleased.

And the others, namely the Republicans, are freaked out. Take it away, Minority Leader John Boehner:

BOEHNER: The Guantanamo Bay prison is filled with the worst of the worst - terrorists and killers bent on murdering Americans and other friends of freedom around the world. If it is closed, where will they go, will they be brought to the United States, and how will they be secured? Will they be released by the courts, despite reports that more than 60 former terrorist detainees have already returned to battlefields to fight us again? Unfortunately, in briefings yesterday the new Administration did not have any real answers to these concerns.

Yes, those former terrorist detainees were released! And they returned to the battlefields! Aiyee! And where were they released from?

Um...Guantanamo Bay. So keeping it open would prevent...what, exactly?

Of course, the Supreme Court has repeatedly ruled that our treatment of Gitmo detainees is unconstitutional, but that doesn't matter to our right-wing friends. But for the biggest GoOPer freak-o-zoid, we turn to Rep. Steve King (R-Looneyville):

KING: Let’s just say that, that, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, is brought to the United States to be tried in a federal court in the United States, under a federal judge, and we know what some of those judges do, and on a technicality, such as, let’s just say he wasn’t read his Miranda rights. … He is released into the streets of America. Walks over and steps up into a US embassy and applies for asylum for fear that he can’t go back home cause he spilled the beans on al Qaeda. What happens then if another judge grants him asylum in the United States and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is on a path to citizenship. I mean, I give you the extreme example of this.

Can't argue with that logic, can you?

Hey, Barack! Aren't you paying attention to these guys? Why, if you close Gitmo, those former terrorist detainees will soon be teaching in our schools, corrupting our youth and poisoning our wells! Keep them in Cuba, for God's sake! Think...of the children!

Everybody Hearts Obama

Typically, between the election in November and the swearing in a couple of months later, a President-elect- no matter who he is- generally loses popularity. By the time they actually take the oath, why...nobody likes them at all!

Not so Mr. Obama. I mean, here's a guy who hasn't actually done much beyond swearing to do a super-good job protecting and defending the Constitution and...well, see for yourself:

More than two-thirds of Americans approve of President Obama's job performance during his initial days in the White House, an approval rating that significantly exceeds the early poll numbers of his two immediate predecessors.

Thanks, CNN.com!

Now, look...nobody knows better than me that this honeymoon is going to be short. The economy is going to take a LONG time to recover and, as I have long contended, the American attention span lasts about as long as this sentence, so...the public will turn on him sooner or later.

But for now? He's Mr. Popularity! Enjoy it while you can, Barack.

Putting the Arm On You

Before I get back to politics and begin the long, wonderful journey that will be the Obama Administration, I have a favor to ask. A truly great person could use some help and I'd like to see if you might be willing to come to his aid.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned that my dear friend and colleague, actor Will Schutz, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This is, as you may know, a particularly bad form of cancer to contract, but Will's spirits are high and he has vowed to fight it with everything he's got.

Naturally, at the time he was diagnosed, he had no insurance. (Pause to fume at America's current health mess. Breathe. Continue.) Now, after a stay in the hospital and the commencement of his cancer treatments, the bills are starting to pile up for my buddy Will. And we, his friends and colleagues, are making an effort to try to raise some money for him. As you may have guessed, that's where you come in.

I'm not asking for a lot. Any amount will do. Five bucks, ten...twenty. If you can do more, great. If not, please do what you can. Believe me when I tell you that this is one of the most generous, kind and loving souls it has ever been my privilege to meet and I am heartbroken to think that he has been dealt such a lousy hand. I don't go, hat in hand, to complete strangers for just anyone. This is truly a great human being, an amazing performer and a devoted friend.

If you can, please go to this site, http://willschutzpancan.chipin.com, and throw a few bucks his way. No one- and I mean no one- deserves it more.

Thanks.

Inauguration Report- The Finale

Before the memory begins to fade, let me run down the day for you quickly:

We were up early, but not as early as some. On the train in, we heard that by 5:30 in the morning they already had over 50,000 people. We weren't too worried, though. After all, the plan was that over 2 million would show up. So there'd be plenty of room, right? Right?

Well, we did make one mistake, but we can't really be blamed for it. We got off at the Metro stop closest to the Mall but...when we came out into the street, we soon discovered that the Mall had been walled off at that point due to the crowd. (There was no warning that this would happen in any of the papers. Again, the Washington security forces were not that helpful.)

Every entrance to the Mall was walled off for about two miles, we found out, and so...the trudge began. We followed the flowing crowd, which grew every minute we walked along, until we finally started heading in the right direction. (We stopped off to rest and warm up at my brother's workplace- the World Bank- before we finished our trek. The kids, it should be remarked, were troopers.)

Back in the street, it was a few more blocks to the park and...we were in. By this time, the number of people seemed inestimable. Everywhere you looked, in every direction but up, there were people. Every age, color, size and description. All moving in the same direction. And all with these big, fat smiles on their faces.

You can see, from the pictures I've already posted, where we wound up. About halfway up the Mall, in the shadow of the Washington Monument. The Park District had erected huge Jumbo-tron screens and gigantic speakers everywhere so we wouldn't miss a word. And, again, our timing was bang-on.

They announced the VIP's as they trooped in. Carter got a cheer. Bush the Elder got a non-commital grunt. The Clintons were warmly welcomed. They wheeled in Cheney, who was doing his Dr. Strangelove impersonation, and we hooted our derision. And, of course, Chimpy was booed.

I considered not booing him. Honor the office if not the man and all that, but you know what? He deserves it. I'm sorry, but he does. So when his name was announced, I made my displeasure known. You got a problem with that?

As with the concert on Sunday, every time we saw a flash of Obama's face (or his wife's, or his children's faces), the crowd went wild. Then his entrance was announced and there was a huge roar. Game on. Here we go.

Rick Warren did not receive a rousing reception, but apart from a few people who blurted out some objections, we were fairly respectful. (He got a laugh, as you may have heard, when he pronounced the names of the Obama children. "Malia...and Sasha!" It was a little odd. And I've never heard a million people laugh all at once before. Bizarre.)

Then they swore in Joe. What a blissful moment. In the seconds afterwards, we all basked in the knowledge that Dick Cheney was no longer the Vice President. It was a lovely feeling.

And then it was Barack's turn. If there had been seats, we would have been on the edge of them. Then the oath began and...what the hell? I turned to my brother with a look that said, "Did Roberts just screw that up?" And his look back to me said, "He did." And then we let it go. Because three seconds later, Barack Obama was the President of the United States.

And. We. Went. Nuts. (See the video below.)

Tears. Joy. Smiles. Hugs. The sound was deafening. And the effort to get everyone there- the drive to D.C., the long commute into the city, the Bataan Death March through the streets, the frigid weather- it was all worth it, just for that one moment.

His speech was great, too. Started off with the bad news, of course, and then moved on to the plans to fix the mess he has been handed. Big cheers greeted his promise to bring back responsibility, to respect science once again, to strive for equality, to end dogmatic squabbles, to go beyond partisanship, to restore our country's greatness.

He was succinct and to the point. He did not go on too long. He didn't need to. We got it. Hope. Check. Change. Check. Promise of a new day. Check. And good night!

And then we tried to leave. You ever go for a stroll with 2 million of your closest friends? It isn't easy. It took awhile to get out and, even after that, it took awhile to get home, but none of that really matters. We had seen what we came to see and we were happier than you can imagine.

Within two hours, we were back at my brother's house, watching the parade on TV and sipping Irish coffee. A better way to end the day cannot exist.

A final few words: big thanks to my brother and his family for their hospitality. We had a wonderful time sharing these past few days with them. And huge thanks to my brother's colleague Cynthia for my ticket to the Huffington Ball on Monday. It was unforgettable.

But most of all: congratulations to the new President and his family. They seem off to a great start.

It's a new day, my friends.

The Oath

You want to see and hear happiness? I mean real, actual, palpable happiness? Here you go, from smack-dab in the middle of Happiness Central (and is Justice Roberts retarded or what?):

Finally, Some Pictures

I'll try to give them proper captions when I have time, but here are a few memorable shots from the week in Washington. You'll get the gist, I'm sure.

And am I the only one who can't stop bursting into tears every few hours? I mean, it feels great the first few times but...then it starts to get embarassing...

Here you go:

Beautiful

The Three Greatest Words in the World

Wondering what they are?  Or have you already guessed?

Aw, sure you did:

President Barack Obama.

And we were there.  Tears of joy were shed.  Strangers were embraced.  But most importantly: change has finally come.

Much to report on, tons of pictures and video but for now, we're just basking in the moment.  Bask with me, won't you?

Inauguration Report #4- Monday Night

Okay, sit down. I've rarely ever done this, but I am now about to, as they say, drop some names.

I was fortunate enough to attend the Huffington Post Pre-Inaugural Party this evening (courtesy of my brother, David) and here, among others, is who attended said bash:

Arianna herself was, of course, was in attendance and. fortunately enough for me, I had the chance to congratulate her on the success of the evening's festivities. On the heels of Ms. Huffington was Newark's Mayor Corey Booker, who was terribly gracious when I congratulated him on his recent, incredibly stirring appearance of Bill Maher's show.

However: here's the thing I discovered about attending an event with so many so-called "A-list" stars. You wind up seeing a lot of people whose names, inexplicably, escape your ability to recall. It is a bit ridiculous. You spend the night- if you must know- feeling like an asshole, saying things like "Aw, crap. I just saw that girl from...that thing. You know the one. The one with...that guy. The guy with the attitude. Know who I mean?"

But, of course, there were plenty of others in attendance whose names did not escape our notice. Sheryl Crow gave a hell of an opening concert. And Will.I.Am counted down the last full day of Bush's reign as President and, let me tell ya brother, you can bet there was much rejoicing. And, at the end of the night- not twenty feet from where we were standing- the one and only Sting belted out the most appropriate song of the entire evening: "Brand New Day."

It was amazing. It was like being inside the coolest, most exclusive party in town without, it must be mentioned, feeling unwelcome. A rarity, I'm sure.

And yes, I saw Val Kilmer. And Glenn Close. And a few more "big stars" that I will intentionally fail to mention. Why?

Because it really was a night of unity. About feeling like an "A list" star even if you were, like me, a casual visitor.

Did I feel unwelcome? Did I feel surrounded by my social betters? Like a trespasser where I did not belong?

I did not. I felt lucky to be included as a member of what must have been the coolest group of ass-kickers in town.

But anyone would have felt right at home. That was the vibe. And that is why, at the end of the day, it was so...what do you say?

Awesome. Yeah, that's what it was:

Awesome. Sorry I don't have words to describe it better but...there you are.

Tomorrow: the Big Event itself.

Stay tuned.

Inauguration Report #3- Monday

It is a laid-back day here in D.C. as we spend the day reflecting on yesterday's festival, paying homage to the Rev. Dr. King on his birthday today and, of course, looking forward to the gigantic confluence of humanity that will be tomorrow's Inaugural.

For us- the kids, my brother and our wives- the plan is...to visit the zoo.  Take it easy.  See the pandas.  Chill out.

But tonight?  Well, let me just say this: despite the odds against my ever getting this lucky- my brother scored me a ticket.  That's right, ladies and gents: I'm going to the ball after all.

Which ball, you ask?  I mean, there are an awful lot of parties and celebrations tonight.  Which one could (potentially) be the most fun?

How about this one?  Boo-yah!

Good thing I brought my tux, huh?  I'll be sure to report the details later, including whether Arianna is- or is not- bringing sexy back.  (I suspect she is.)

Who knew?  My fairy godmother is named David.  Go figure.

Inauguration Report #2- Sunday

In case any of you were wondering:  this land, it appears, was made for you and, if I might add, me.

What a day.  What an inspiring, beautiful, one-of-a-kind day.  Let me play it out for you:

First, I must apologize.  I could not have been more wrong: it was waffles.   Not pancakes.  So let me make that perfectly clear.

Then came the problem of actually getting into D.C.  My brother, in his wisdom, decided that we should drive to a Metro stop far outside of the District and take the train in.  (The further out we got, we figured, the more empty the train when we climb aboard.  Guess what?  He was right.)

We zipped into the city in record time and before you knew it, we were strolling toward the National Mall with what looked like the rest of America in tow.  We knew the balloon (as they say) was set to go up about 2:30, so we were in line by 1:30 at the latest.  

Now the line was ridiculous.  Worst part of the day, really.  It might sound petty to say it, but the night of the election in Chicago, the cops had it down.  Orderly lines, barricades, tons of police.  Here?  No barricades, so- as will happen- the lines looped in on each other.  Lots of people line jumping as a result and not nearly enough volunteers.  (Those they had were great, but there should have been twice as many.)  Anyway, all that aside, we endured and eventually, we were in.

For those of you watching on TV, it must have looked jam-packed but, really, it wasn't bad at all.  (Crowd-wise, Chicago was far more sardine-like.)  Where we were, we had room to move about, dance, mingle, rest and even stroll down to the reflecting pool.  (The kids were great about everything but the abysmal line.)

And almost the minute we arrived, the show began.  And what a lineup it was.  After the National Anthem, they kicked things off properly with Bruce Springsteen and an enormous choir singing "The Rising."  Then the speakers began showing up.  Ever heard of these guys? Denzel Washington, Steve Carrel, Jamie Foxx, Tom Hanks, Tiger Woods, Queen Latifah and Samuel L. Jackson.  Oh, and a guy named Joe Biden, too.  He was there.

And the performers:  Mary J. Blige.  Usher.  Stevie Wonder.  U2.  John Mellencamp (frankly, the best of the day), Herbie Hancock, Patti LaBelle, Jon Bon Jovi, Sheryl Crow, Will.I.am, Garth Brooks (really great, actually) and, yes, the U.S. Navy Glee Club even stopped by.  We listened, we danced, we sang, we had hot dogs.

Then- the main event.  Ladies and gentlemen: the President-Elect of the United States- Barack Obama.  Cheers.  Tears.  Hope.  Change.  You can imagine it, I'm sure.  He was, as usual, stirring and pitch-perfect in his delivery.  He has that rare ability to both warn the crowd about how hard the road ahead will be and still make you want to start down that road.  Starting, like, tomorrow.  Great speech that gave the promise of an even greater speech ahead.  All I could think when he was done was: see you later, sir.

Then- the Finale:  Bruce again, along with special guest Pete Seegar to polish things off with a rousing rendition of "This Land is Your Land" and, of course, "America the Beautiful."

Then home.  (Dinner soon.)  

All in all: better than promised.  How many things can you say that about?

See below for a taste. 

Inauguration Report #1 - Saturday

Arrived in Chevy Chase, Maryland last night after a (mercifully uneventful) two-day car trek.  And after the week's worth of sub-zero temps in Chicago, I must say that it was lovely to see the exterior temperature rise the further I went East.  Why, by the time we arrived, it was a balmy 20 above zero!  Huzzah!

We saw an awful lot of Obama bumper stickers affixed to cars heading the same direction as us as we tootled down the highway but, to be honest, we're hoping that the reports of the anticipated crowds on Tuesday are overly optimistic.  I mean, a million people would be fine but...two million?  Might be a bit much, you know?

My family and I are being housed (in their perfectly gorgeous new manse) by my brother David, his wife Susan and their two girls, Parker and Sydney.  With my wife and two girls in the mix, it makes for a pretty lively household, let me tell ya.  (When I complete this post, I dive into the bacon and pancakes, so I'll make this quick).

We arrive in the midst of Inauguration Fever.  The entire region is swept up in the festivities.  (We spoke to a woman at a diner in Pennsylvania who was fleeing her home in Virginia until it all dies down.)  The papers here are filled with Inauguration News, Inauguration Tips, Inauguration Survival Guides, Inauguration Maps as well as ideas on where to eat, sleep, celebrate, drink and cheer.

In the meantime, today is the big free concert at the Lincoln Memorial.  The artists who are appearing changes every day but right now they have Bruce Springsteen on the list, along with Beyonce, U2, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder and, from what I understand, Ray Charles is coming back from the dead for a special appearance.  Needless to say, we're heading down to the District for that.

It should prove to be an interesting dry run for Tuesday, in fact.  We should get a sense of the kind of crowds, temperature and travel challenges we will face on the Big Day.  

So...with pancakes and Bruce looming large in my future, I bid you good day.

I said good day, sir.

Cinderfella's Lament

Okay, so I'll be in Washington, D.C. all weekend and up through Tuesday and I've got tickets to bupkis! See what happens when you have no clout?

Don't get me wrong: I'll stand on the Mall, way in the back, to listen to the Inaugural address on Tuesday and be happy doing so.

But one party? One event? One ball, even? Is that so much to ask for a lifelong Dem like myself?

Where's a fairy godmother when you need one?

Once They're Gone

So the question has arisen over the past few weeks: What should Barack Obama do to investigate the actions of the Bush Administration over the past eight years to see what crimes, exactly, were committed?

My sentiments on the matter should be clear from the previous sentence: I believe that certain members of the Bush Administration, including the President himself, are guilty of criminal conduct. I am certainly not alone in that opinion. But even if we assume that their criminality is a given, the question still remains: What do you do about it?

Obama has been walking a tightrope on this issue, as he probably should. He can hardly say, a week away from taking over the wheel, that the first thing he's going to do is dive into investigating Bush and his cronies. I mean, look around. There's a lot to be done. We have two wars burning overseas, an economy in peril, unemployment through the roof, a dismal stock market and, oh yeah, the Earth's climate is changing rapidly and we should probably do something about that, too.

But hold on a minute: just because we have a lot to worry about doesn't mean that we sweep the actions of these ass-clowns under the rug. After all, these are Democrats we're talking about. Folks who can actually do more than one thing at one time. We can fix the economy, put people to work and put Alberto Gonzales in prison, don't you think?

I certainly do. Ring up ol' Pat Fitzgerald on the speed dial. Get him on the case. I mean, he put Governor Hairdo and Governor Lyin' in the crosshairs and let me tell you: they're a lot smarter than Chimpy and his crew.

Sic 'em, Pat!

The End of the National Nightmare

Ah, the sweet, tangy taste of well prepared satire! Is there anything like it? Try this little number from The Guardian. Here's a sampling:

No one thought Al Gore would be a loveable president, but, after eight years in the White House, he has gotten truly tiresome. The droning voice, the purchase of an eco-friendly robot dog, the campaign for carbon-free diamonds - all these things were hard to take, and he has been way too smug about reversing global warming. I think we've gone too far in the opposite direction, especially in light of the glacier that recently crushed Wasilla.

I think I started to dislike Gore when he stirred up a media storm after the Feds broke up the terrorist ring conspiring to fly airplanes into buildings back in 2001. He could have let it pass quietly, as Bill Clinton did with the millennium plot arrests in 2000. Instead, Gore held a press conference to milk it for political gain and scare us into a 15 cent per gallon gas tax. But who can afford to pay over a dollar and a half per gallon? No wonder we're resorting to electric cars these days.

Mmmm, boy! That's lip-smackin' good!

The rest is just as tasty.

Write This Joke

With a hat tip to my friend Darren S., here is a link to a website where they ask you to complete this joke:

Ben and Jerry's have created the "Yes Pecan!" flavor for Barack Obama. George W. Bush's flavor should be ________________.

My favorite entries on the site so far are:

Weapons of Fudge Destruction (contains no fudge)

Abu Grape

Iraqi Road

and of course: Impeach Cobbler.

My entry:

Chocolate Chimp

Any more suggestions?

From Beyond the Political Grave

The Governess just won't shut up.

In the past month or so, Sarah Palin has flitted from interview to interview, each time doing her gosh-darned best to deflect any blame for the failure of the McCain-Palin ticket. It was the Republican party's fault, the media's fault...anybody's fault but hers.

Okay, fair enough. If you want to have a political future after a debacle like your spectacularly bad vice-presidential candidacy, you've got to reshape the meme, am I right? Get out your side of the story, see?

But beyond simply trooping out there to visit with Sean "Brains in my Tuchas" Hannity to make her case, Palin has taken this thing a step further. She sat for an interview with a guy named John Ziegler, a conservative "filmmaker" who is making a "documentary" called "Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected."

Have you seen the clips from this little sit-down? No? You can link to them via this New York Times article on the subject. And you can also catch some memorable quotes from the Guv on how terribly she was treated by the big, bad librul media types.

(SIDE NOTE: The article features what I consider to be one of the cleverest lines I've read in a long time. In noting Caroline Kennedy's inability to express herself with the same kind of intelligence and wit as her famously articulate Dad, the author notes that "the syntax of the father has not been visited upon the child." Now that, ladies and gents, is first-class writing.)

Anyhoo...back to the Governess. What is notable about this particular interview is that now that Ziegler is promoting his "documentary," it appears that Mrs. Palin is objecting to the clips he's using of her. Rich, isn't it? And now Ziegler himself is on a media tour, having conversations like this with NBC's David Schuster:

Ziegler: I believe her character was assassinated, David, and I believe this network played an enormous role in that process and you took the clip of the Katie Couric out of context...
Shuster: But John, even in the documentary, at least in the clips that you've released, she still can't answer, at least it takes her several opportunities, she still really can't say what she reads. Does Sarah Palin take any responsibility....
Ziegler: David, that's ridiculous. Apparently you didn't watch the clip.
Shuster: I did, She talked about news articles that are widely circulated in Alaska...
Ziegler: You're a joke.
Shuster: John, the joke is the fact that you and Sarah Palin can't take any responsibility for the fact that she wasn't prepared to run for vice president. Does she ever acknowledge that in any of your interviews?
Ziegler: Did you not watch the clip?...This is clearly an agenda by MSNBC... Really? So is that your opinion, David? Is that your opinion...
Shuster: No, I'm asking you...
Ziegler: As an alleged news person, is that your opinion? That she was unprepared to be vice president of the US? That doesn't seem very objective to me...
Shuster: John, it's the opinion of 65% of the people...
Ziegler: It's not your opinion, it's everybody's opinion.
Shuster: It's everybody's opinion that's had an opportunity to interview her, except for you and my question is, when you interviewed her, did she ever express any responsibility for her own shortcomings, any?
Ziegler: I feel like this is OJ Simpson interviewing the Cobbs...
Shuster: It's a simple yes or no answer....

That went well, eh?

But fear not. Ziegler's documentary will do very well. How do I know? Because the Right desperately needs someone to tell them that everything is okay, that the election disaster was not their fault and that Sarah Palin, John McCain and the rest of them are all victims. Ziegler is doing just that, so he'll make pots of money peddling his silly lies.

In the meantime, back here on Earth, it's six days to freedom.

Dig. It.

Joe the Reporter

Joe the Plumber is reporting on the Israeli attacks on Gaza. Though, actually, he probably isn't REALLY reporting on it, since this is his opinion on reporters in wartime:

"I'll be honest with you. I don't think journalists should be anywhere [around] war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what's happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I-I think it's asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you'd go to the theater and you'd see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for'em. Now everyone's got an opinion and wants to downer--and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers. I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you're gonna sit there and say, 'Well look at this atrocity,' well you don't know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it."

The year is only two weeks old, and already I've got a candidate for "Quote of the Year." Once again, with feeling: "I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting."

Well said, Joe. Well said.

One Week

Seven days from tomorrow, I will stand on the National Mall with a million-plus fellow citizens and welcome the new President as he takes the oath of office. It will be a proud day for me, for my family, my party, my nation and my people.

I will have my children with me, Miranda and Gwendolyn, so that they can forever say that they were there in that history-making moment. I am excited. I am inspired. I am not particularly looking forward to the drive.

Still! I will not allow the long, long commute from Chicago to D.C. to drag me down. No, instead I will endow it with a significance that it may not necessarily deserve.

It will be a history making drive. Each mile that I traverse in my vehicle will be long remembered as a small step our nation took toward freedom and democracy. When we stop to eat, each meal will be notable, each burger or chicken tender a testament to this great nation. Even our dips, be they barbecue, honey mustard or ranch, will be remembered for years to come.

Our bathroom breaks will be few, but they will be necessary. No journey is without it's moments of rest and contemplation, surely. But we shall forge on...on! For there are many miles to go, my brothers and sisters.

At last, we will arrive in that place, that storied destination called My Brother's Driveway. And there we will feast and raise a glass and probably have a bit too much the first night and then not so bad the second and then on the third, oh dear, how late did you boys stay up? And then there will be aspirin.

And finally! We will try to get into the District and it will be a trial- oh yes!- it will. For my countrymen will want to join in the same fun as us and there will be many of us and they might not be very polite about how crowded it is and and, hey, if you elbow me like that again we're gonna have some trouble, buster, so you might want to think about backing off but...in the end...it will be peaceful. For we are joining together in this great moment, on this great day, with this great man to make...

...history.

Can't wait.

But I wonder: Where we'll go for our historic brunch that day?

Seven days to freedom. Dig it.

Watch It Happen

This dickhead is about to become the next Senator from Illinois.

Hoo-rah.

Just the icing on the Obama-cake we wanted eh, my fellow Illinoisites? Um...Illinoisicans? Er...Illininers?

Go ahead Roland. Force them to seat you. We'll all be sooooooooo proud.

I Am Done With Harry Reid

Look, I'm a team player, generally. I am willing to put up with a lot in the name of my country, my state and my party. But honestly, can't we do better in a Senate Majority Leader than Harry "Doofus" Reid?

I was never really taken with the guy. I mean, his nickname is "Give 'Em Hell Harry" which, for one thing, is a Truman rip-off and, for another, is inaccurate. When has Harry Reid ever given anybody hell?

He's milquetoast. He's annoying. He's uninspiring. And this week? He looks like a total moron.

FireDogLake has the whole rundown here. The money quote is at the end, natch:

Reid is a red state senator, up for re-election in 2010 and under pressure from the right, who is already making noise about appeasing Republicans who aren't going to be appeased. He's a hazard to Obama's agenda, which is why leading Senate Democrats tried to ease him out as Majority Leader last year.

Suffice it to say, I'm done with this tool. We have much better candidates that this guy. Time for Harry to go bye-bye.

Five Presidents - One Lunch

(The scene: the White House. The setting: the Harding Dining Room. The participants: #39 (the Smiley One), #41 (the Embarassed Father), #42 (the Big Dog), #43 (the Chimp) and #44 (the Cool One). They enter the room.)

#43: C'mon in, c'mon. Hurry up. The pizza's gettin' cold!

#41: Son, you did not order pizza....

#43: It's a joke, Dad. Jeez, lighten up, willya?

#42: No pizza? Damn.

#39: Maybe a salad, Bill? Ever try one of those?

#42: Ha, ha. Hey, Jimmy? Bite my leafy head, okay?

#44: Guys, guys. Please. Can we just sit down.

#43: Hey! It ain't your place yet, buddy boy. I'm runnin' this show.

#44: My apologies.

#41: Please, let's just sit down and have a nice discussion. (Nudges #43.) Don't blow this. I'm counting on you not to screw this up.

#43: What, like I did in Iraq? Is that what you're saying?

#41: I didn't say that...

#43: No, but it's what you're thinking! I can tell.

#41: Good lord...

#39: Could somebody open the wine?

#43: No wine! No beer! No alcoholic substances of any kind!

#42: Well this is gonna be fun, won't it?

#41: Lay off my boy, now fellas, he's still dealing with his drinking problem....

#43: I am not!

#41: He spent the entire 70's inside a whiskey bottle....

#43: Dad!

#41: The number of times I found him curled up under the toilet...

#43: Okay, that's enough.

#44: Can I ask a question?

#39: Please, would you?

#42: (under his breath) Oh, look. Mr. Talks-a-lot wants to talk.

#39: That's rich, coming from you...

#42: Hey!

#44: Please, I could really use some guidance here. If you would, what would you describe, gentlemen, as your greatest challenge as President? I'm about to assume the office, as you know, and I'd really appreciate knowing what problem you faced that really defined your Presidency.

#39: The hostage crisis. Definitely. And, of course, trying to forge some kind of Mideast peace...

#41: The economic collapse. Couldn't blame Reagan. Had to take the hit. Had to raise taxes. It killed me, but I did the right thing. For the country.

#42: Hard to nail one down. The face off with Gingrich. Rwanda. The Balkans. The impeachment, of course. It was pretty rough.

(Long pause.)

#44: Mr. President? (Pause.) George?

#43: (Snaps out of his trance.) Huh? You talkin' to me?

#44: Well, yes, I was asking...

#43: Sorry. I thought I saw a puppy on the lawn. Boy, I sure love puppies. Don't you guys?

(Uncomfortable pause. #41 quietly vomits onto his own son.)

Blackout

Being Preznit Makes You Old

Funny article on CNN about how serving as POTUS makes you age quicker. There's little doubt of that. A young-ish man when he entered the oval office, by the end of his term Jimmy Carter looked like he spent ten years in a Gulag. (Remarkably, he's hardly aged at all since 1980. Very odd.)

And Clinton...Bill took over looking like the young stud that he was and, eight years later, walked out with a mane of gray hair and bags under his eyes that wouldn't fit in the carry-on compartment.

Bush, on the other hand, has certainly aged, but not nearly as much as his predessors. Why? Well, for one thing, you have to actually experience stress while on the job. George, whose every move had the "Jesus Christ and Lord Our Father Seal of Approval" on it didn't stress all that much.

I mean, sure- the war was going badly, but when you're doing the Lord's work, why freak out about all those dead people? And putting the Constitution through the paper shredder would weaken most men, but not our Chimpy. He smirks, flips on the button and motions for Dick to start feeding in the paper.

The money quote on George from the article:

During his second term, Bush dealt with a troubled war, a struggling economy, and sagging approval ratings. But the avid runner, mountain biker and fisherman showed that his reflexes haven't slowed.

"I mean, did you see him dodge that shoe?" said David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine, referring to a December news conference in Iraq where an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at the president and Bush swiftly ducked the flying footwear. Twice.

You don't get those kind of reflexes when you're seriously contemplative. You do it by spending more time worrying about your foosball score than national security. Shoot, by the end of his one and only term, Chimpy's father wouldn't have been able to dodge a shoe like that. It would have been "Adidas City." Splat.

To be honest, I would worry about what Barack is going to look like in four years (or eight) but, frankly, I'm happy just to have someone moving into the White House who actually gives a shit for a change.

Thirteen days to freedom.

Sorry, this Levi Doesn't Fit

Governess Palin is back in the news after reporters dug up a story on young Levi Johnston, father of Sarah's illegitimate grandson Tripp.

Hmmm. That was a lot of information. Let's start that again, shall we?

Alaska Governess Sarah Palin, who was the Republican nominee for Vice President in the last election, has a daughter named Bristol who was impregnated last year by a young man named Levi Johnston. This news came out after Palin was announced as John McCain's pick for the #2 spot.

The Palin family, which has a penchant for giving their children colorful names (i.e., Track, Trig, Spitfire, Gilgamesh and the like), embraced young Levi during the campaign season and went so far as to give the little lothario an invitation to the Republican National Convention. Family values, dontcha know.

Now, the election season far behind them, Levi and Bristol have had their baby who they have named Tripp, presumably because that's what his parents were on when he was conceived. (Beat.) Anyhoo...

Now Levi must provide for Bristol and Tripp because, hey, that financial spigot from the RNC has been turned firmly off, so if Bristol wants something from Neimann Marcus, Levi better start humping that bale.

You might find it surprising, then, that this boring tale has taken a dramatic turn. You see, Levi applied for (and got) an apprentice position that required a high school diploma. But this Wasilla Valentino is still in high school so...he never should have been given the apprenticeship. Did his mother-in-law's high office allow him to skirt the rules? Did the fact that Todd Palin, his father-in-law, also works in the same field grease the wheels?

Lots of questions.

So what's the new news? Levi has quit the job he didn't earn and has to look for other work until he graduates. My second favorite quote in this story is from his father, who lamented the scrutiny that Levi is under: "He's being treated different than an average 18-year-old kid. He has to do everything by the book now."

Yeah. Rules suck.

Palin has finally spoken out about it, too. Her response? Well, what did you expect, doggone it?

"Palin herself called the report a 'a political potshot taken at me,' that could "destroy a young man's opportunity for work."

Expect the young Johnston family to appear at a Wasilla homeless shelter in the coming weeks.

Damned prying media!

Oh No You Don't

Okay, do me a favor, won't you? Take a look at this asshole. Judging from the cartoony expression on his face, what exactly do you suppose this moron is doing in this picture?

Is it:

(a) trying to avoid reporters while ducking into a courtroom to be indicted for goat blowing?
(b) sneaking into an X-rated movie theatre sans pants?
(c) doing his best Oliver Hardy impersonation?
(d) trying to become a Senator from the State of Illinois?

If you guessed (d), you're just no fun at all.

Hey, Roland: do you have any concept of what kind of a circus you have created by agreeing to take this appointment from Blagodiwishhewouldgoaway? Do you? Because I'll tell ya: if you had a clue how much every Democrat in the country fucking hates you you would probably roll up into a ball and never stop crying.

Keep it up, Roland, and there's a chance they might actually let you in. But if they do?

That's going to be one lonely job.

Asshole.

Richardson's Exit

A lot of folks are feeling burned by Bill Richardson's abrupt departure from Obama's cabinet but, here's my coupla cents on that one:

Richardson is the anti-Blagojevich. He knows that Barack wants to have a smooth transition, with no slip-ups or questionable behavior. Everyone he brings aboard has to be squeaky clean (i.e. no "Troopergate" investigations hovering over them). And given that Richardson's administration is under investigation, he felt it best to step aside rather than burden Obama with having to defend him while the Feds poke around.

Rod "Pompadour" Blagojevich, however, is doing his level best to make life hell for Barack and he is, as we've said, being abetted by Mr. Tombstone. (More on this fiasco as it unfolds today.)

Short version: Richardson= Good. Blagojevich and Burris= Total Tools.

And this is not the last we shall hear of Mr. Bill from New Mexico. Bet on it.

Obama's Big Surprise

Heh, heh, heh. You thought you were getting change, eh? Suckers!

You thought this was a "new" kind of Democrat, a real game-changer, someone who would defy the powers that be and shake up Washington, am I right?

Ha, ha and, oh by the way....HA!

Yes, it looks like ol' Barack pulled a fast one on you. He's just announced that the minute he becomes president, he's going to show his true Democratic, tax n' spend colors and emerge as the Commie, business hatin' librul you've always feared he truly was! Bwahahahahahahaha!

Because President Barack Obama, you fools, is planning to....

....um...

....cut your taxes.

Hmmm. This bears watching.

Fifteen days to freedom. I'll be there. Will you?

Meanwhile, In Minnesota

The Franken-Coleman soap opera continues.

With the recount over (is a recount ever over?) and Franken ahead by over 200 votes, Coleman and his crew are vowing to oust Franken in a lawsuit.

The Senate Follies, it appears, are not confined to Illinois.

The Burris Conundrum

So, what do we make of Roland Burris, the newly named Junior Senator from Illinois? He has certainly done all he can to turn the "No Drama Obama" era into high, almost stratospheric drama, so how is one to react to this development?

Well, one could start by calling Burris an opportunistic, prideful, overly-ambitious, boorishly insensitive douche-bag and take off from there, couldn't one?

Let do that then.

I mean, here's a guy who had, literally, written his own obituary. In large, block letters. Now? He can forget any of his former achievements making the headline when he passes on. His fate is sealed. When Burris dies, he will be known as the bag of dirt that accepted the tainted appointment of Uber-Douchebag Rod "Helmet Head" Blagojevich.

A glimpse into the future:

"Roland Burris, Dirtbag, Dies None Too Soon. Dozens Flock to Pee on Enormous Tomb."

How's that for an epitaph, Roland?

You schmuck.

New Year, New Commitment

Hello, my friends. For those of you who faithfully check in on this board only to find...the same old bullshit, I'm here to tell you that I'm back and, with any luck, I'll be able to keep it up. Needless to say, for those who know me at all, you are aware that this last month has been....well, challenging. Lucrative, fun and interesting, yes, but...yikes. The older I get, the tougher it becomes.

Much, much to discuss, much more to ponder and a few things to simply remark upon.

Lets get started, shall we?