Well, if he said it on a talk show, it MUST be true...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
It is not common practice for the new President to release this letter to the press, but I have managed to put my hands on a copy (don't ask me how...thanks, Malia!) and I will now share it with you:
Wanna bet it was a lot like that?
Dear Presnit O'Bama:
Feels pretty good, don't it? Sittin' in that big chair, lookin' out over that big, almost-round room and thinkin' "Boy howdy! I'm the freakin' President of the United States!". Gives you a rush, dunnit? It sure did to me.
You're probly wondering what to do first. Well, here's why I would do: Kick back, son! You earned it! Take the afternoon off and just bask in your own glory! Shit, my first day? I didn't let anybody in the room for hours. I just pulled the curtains and hopped around the room saying to myself "I'm the Preeeeee-sident! I'm the
Preeeees-I-Dent! I'm the Most Powerful! Man! In! The! World!" And then I ordered up some ribs and fries. Know why? 'Cause I could! I'm the muthafuckin' President!
It was really cool. I highly recommend it. And it's real important to enjoy that first day? Know why? Because the second day sucks.
I ain't kiddin'. You wouldn't believe the amount of reading I had to do in the past eight years! It was, like, every day. "I got a new memo from the Secretary of Defense!", "I got a letter from the President of Bigboobistan!", "I got a secret, coded message from the Vice President and it smells like sulpher!"
That shit just didn't stop. Know how I dealt with it? Brush clearin'. I'd mosey down to Crawford, strap on my boots and jeans and clean me some brush. It was hot work,
but it beat the shit out of readin' those daily bulletins, I can tell you!
Here's another tip: Have some fun while you can! Give the press guys some funny nicknames like Stretch and Fatty and Too Tall and Boner-Boy. They love it. Trust me.
Hey, look- I know you've got some dancing around to do, so I'll make this short: This can be a really, really awesome job, but you can't take it too seriously. It'll wear you out. Take at least one month every year (or even twice a year!) and sneak out of town for some fun. You're from Hawaii, right? Go there whenever you can! Folks like to see their President takin' it easy. It gives them confidence that things are going well, even when they're really, really not.
That's it for me. Oh and hey- I'm real sorry about the big shitpile I left you! My bad!
The Obama presidency is only one week old, but it has already limned its main moral outlines:On January 20, President Obama called for the repeal of the Defense
of Marriage Act. He also declared his intention to give multiple rights and privileges to homosexual couples.
On January 22, he issued an order announcing his intention to close the
detention facility at Guantanamo Bay within one year, but admits he has not figured out how to do that. President Bush had expressed a similar wish, but could find no nations willing to take responsibility for the detainees.
On January 23, President Obama issued an order that authorizes tax
dollars for abortions abroad.
From these announcements we learn that President Obama recognizes no difference between the Jewish-Christian covenant between a woman and a man (a covenant that they will have and nurture children, if they are so blessed), and a civil contract between two persons of any sex, in order to set up a household of affection and sexual favors.
This is a relapse into paganism. The point of monogamous family networks is to treat male and female with complementary and mutually cooperative dignity and to tie the power of sexuality (male, especially) to self-sacrificing communities of love.
We learn, second, that this president’s guiding light in matters of national security is not a realistic assessment of the national interest but personal concern for what kind of figure he is cutting in the international eye. Good headlines first, practical thinking later.
Thirdly, we learn that the president is willing to do what a substantial bloc of U.S. taxpayers abhor, and will resist in conscience. Moreover, it is a mistake to think that people in most other nations love, honor, and respect the secularist preoccupation with abortion.
The first week did not have to begin this way. These first steps were unworthy of a great nation and unworthy of a serious leader. These decisions humiliated those who voted for President Obama because they had been assured, and assured others, that the new president would take seriously the culture of life.
Monday, January 26, 2009
And the others, namely the Republicans, are freaked out. Take it away, Minority Leader John Boehner:
Yes, those former terrorist detainees were released! And they returned to the battlefields! Aiyee! And where were they released from?
BOEHNER: The Guantanamo Bay prison is filled with the worst of the worst - terrorists and killers bent on murdering Americans and other friends of freedom around the world. If it is closed, where will they go, will they be brought to the United States, and how will they be secured? Will they be released by the courts, despite reports that more than 60 former terrorist detainees have already returned to battlefields to fight us again? Unfortunately, in briefings yesterday the new Administration did not have any real answers to these concerns.
Um...Guantanamo Bay. So keeping it open would prevent...what, exactly?
Of course, the Supreme Court has repeatedly ruled that our treatment of Gitmo detainees is unconstitutional, but that doesn't matter to our right-wing friends. But for the biggest GoOPer freak-o-zoid, we turn to Rep. Steve King (R-Looneyville):
KING: Let’s just say that, that, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, is brought to the United States to be tried in a federal court in the United States, under a federal judge, and we know what some of those judges do, and on a technicality, such as, let’s just say he wasn’t read his Miranda rights. … He is released into the streets of America. Walks over and steps up into a US embassy and applies for asylum for fear that he can’t go back home cause he spilled the beans on al Qaeda. What happens then if another judge grants him asylum in the United States and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is on a path to citizenship. I mean, I give you the extreme example of this.Can't argue with that logic, can you?
Hey, Barack! Aren't you paying attention to these guys? Why, if you close Gitmo, those former terrorist detainees will soon be teaching in our schools, corrupting our youth and poisoning our wells! Keep them in Cuba, for God's sake! Think...of the children!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Not so Mr. Obama. I mean, here's a guy who hasn't actually done much beyond swearing to do a super-good job protecting and defending the Constitution and...well, see for yourself:
More than two-thirds of Americans approve of President Obama's job performance during his initial days in the White House, an approval rating that significantly exceeds the early poll numbers of his two immediate predecessors.
Now, look...nobody knows better than me that this honeymoon is going to be short. The economy is going to take a LONG time to recover and, as I have long contended, the American attention span lasts about as long as this sentence, so...the public will turn on him sooner or later.
But for now? He's Mr. Popularity! Enjoy it while you can, Barack.
Friday, January 23, 2009
A couple of weeks ago, I learned that my dear friend and colleague, actor Will Schutz, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This is, as you may know, a particularly bad form of cancer to contract, but Will's spirits are high and he has vowed to fight it with everything he's got.
Naturally, at the time he was diagnosed, he had no insurance. (Pause to fume at America's current health mess. Breathe. Continue.) Now, after a stay in the hospital and the commencement of his cancer treatments, the bills are starting to pile up for my buddy Will. And we, his friends and colleagues, are making an effort to try to raise some money for him. As you may have guessed, that's where you come in.
I'm not asking for a lot. Any amount will do. Five bucks, ten...twenty. If you can do more, great. If not, please do what you can. Believe me when I tell you that this is one of the most generous, kind and loving souls it has ever been my privilege to meet and I am heartbroken to think that he has been dealt such a lousy hand. I don't go, hat in hand, to complete strangers for just anyone. This is truly a great human being, an amazing performer and a devoted friend.
If you can, please go to this site, http://willschutzpancan.chipin.com, and throw a few bucks his way. No one- and I mean no one- deserves it more.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
No one thought Al Gore would be a loveable president, but, after eight years in the White House, he has gotten truly tiresome. The droning voice, the purchase of an eco-friendly robot dog, the campaign for carbon-free diamonds - all these things were hard to take, and he has been way too smug about reversing global warming. I think we've gone too far in the opposite direction, especially in light of the glacier that recently crushed Wasilla.
I think I started to dislike Gore when he stirred up a media storm after the Feds broke up the terrorist ring conspiring to fly airplanes into buildings back in 2001. He could have let it pass quietly, as Bill Clinton did with the millennium plot arrests in 2000. Instead, Gore held a press conference to milk it for political gain and scare us into a 15 cent per gallon gas tax. But who can afford to pay over a dollar and a half per gallon? No wonder we're resorting to electric cars these days.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
In the past month or so, Sarah Palin has flitted from interview to interview, each time doing her gosh-darned best to deflect any blame for the failure of the McCain-Palin ticket. It was the Republican party's fault, the media's fault...anybody's fault but hers.
Okay, fair enough. If you want to have a political future after a debacle like your spectacularly bad vice-presidential candidacy, you've got to reshape the meme, am I right? Get out your side of the story, see?
But beyond simply trooping out there to visit with Sean "Brains in my Tuchas" Hannity to make her case, Palin has taken this thing a step further. She sat for an interview with a guy named John Ziegler, a conservative "filmmaker" who is making a "documentary" called "Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected."
Have you seen the clips from this little sit-down? No? You can link to them via this New York Times article on the subject. And you can also catch some memorable quotes from the Guv on how terribly she was treated by the big, bad librul media types.
(SIDE NOTE: The article features what I consider to be one of the cleverest lines I've read in a long time. In noting Caroline Kennedy's inability to express herself with the same kind of intelligence and wit as her famously articulate Dad, the author notes that "the syntax of the father has not been visited upon the child." Now that, ladies and gents, is first-class writing.)
Anyhoo...back to the Governess. What is notable about this particular interview is that now that Ziegler is promoting his "documentary," it appears that Mrs. Palin is objecting to the clips he's using of her. Rich, isn't it? And now Ziegler himself is on a media tour, having conversations like this with NBC's David Schuster:
That went well, eh?
Ziegler: I believe her character was assassinated, David, and I believe this network played an enormous role in that process and you took the clip of the Katie Couric out of context...
Shuster: But John, even in the documentary, at least in the clips that you've released, she still can't answer, at least it takes her several opportunities, she still really can't say what she reads. Does Sarah Palin take any responsibility....
Ziegler: David, that's ridiculous. Apparently you didn't watch the clip.
Shuster: I did, She talked about news articles that are widely circulated in Alaska...
Ziegler: You're a joke.
Shuster: John, the joke is the fact that you and Sarah Palin can't take any responsibility for the fact that she wasn't prepared to run for vice president. Does she ever acknowledge that in any of your interviews?
Ziegler: Did you not watch the clip?...This is clearly an agenda by MSNBC... Really? So is that your opinion, David? Is that your opinion...
Shuster: No, I'm asking you...
Ziegler: As an alleged news person, is that your opinion? That she was unprepared to be vice president of the US? That doesn't seem very objective to me...
Shuster: John, it's the opinion of 65% of the people...
Ziegler: It's not your opinion, it's everybody's opinion.
Shuster: It's everybody's opinion that's had an opportunity to interview her, except for you and my question is, when you interviewed her, did she ever express any responsibility for her own shortcomings, any?
Ziegler: I feel like this is OJ Simpson interviewing the Cobbs...
Shuster: It's a simple yes or no answer....
But fear not. Ziegler's documentary will do very well. How do I know? Because the Right desperately needs someone to tell them that everything is okay, that the election disaster was not their fault and that Sarah Palin, John McCain and the rest of them are all victims. Ziegler is doing just that, so he'll make pots of money peddling his silly lies.
In the meantime, back here on Earth, it's six days to freedom.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The year is only two weeks old, and already I've got a candidate for "Quote of the Year." Once again, with feeling: "I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting."
"I'll be honest with you. I don't think journalists should be anywhere [around] war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what's happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I-I think it's asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you'd go to the theater and you'd see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for'em. Now everyone's got an opinion and wants to downer--and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers. I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you're gonna sit there and say, 'Well look at this atrocity,' well you don't know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it."
Well said, Joe. Well said.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I was never really taken with the guy. I mean, his nickname is "Give 'Em Hell Harry" which, for one thing, is a Truman rip-off and, for another, is inaccurate. When has Harry Reid ever given anybody hell?
He's milquetoast. He's annoying. He's uninspiring. And this week? He looks like a total moron.
FireDogLake has the whole rundown here. The money quote is at the end, natch:
Reid is a red state senator, up for re-election in 2010 and under pressure from the right, who is already making noise about appeasing Republicans who aren't going to be appeased. He's a hazard to Obama's agenda, which is why leading Senate Democrats tried to ease him out as Majority Leader last year.
Suffice it to say, I'm done with this tool. We have much better candidates that this guy. Time for Harry to go bye-bye.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
And Clinton...Bill took over looking like the young stud that he was and, eight years later, walked out with a mane of gray hair and bags under his eyes that wouldn't fit in the carry-on compartment.
Bush, on the other hand, has certainly aged, but not nearly as much as his predessors. Why? Well, for one thing, you have to actually experience stress while on the job. George, whose every move had the "Jesus Christ and Lord Our Father Seal of Approval" on it didn't stress all that much.
I mean, sure- the war was going badly, but when you're doing the Lord's work, why freak out about all those dead people? And putting the Constitution through the paper shredder would weaken most men, but not our Chimpy. He smirks, flips on the button and motions for Dick to start feeding in the paper.
The money quote on George from the article:
During his second term, Bush dealt with a troubled war, a struggling economy, and sagging approval ratings. But the avid runner, mountain biker and fisherman showed that his reflexes haven't slowed.
"I mean, did you see him dodge that shoe?" said David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine, referring to a December news conference in Iraq where an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at the president and Bush swiftly ducked the flying footwear. Twice.
You don't get those kind of reflexes when you're seriously contemplative. You do it by spending more time worrying about your foosball score than national security. Shoot, by the end of his one and only term, Chimpy's father wouldn't have been able to dodge a shoe like that. It would have been "Adidas City." Splat.
To be honest, I would worry about what Barack is going to look like in four years (or eight) but, frankly, I'm happy just to have someone moving into the White House who actually gives a shit for a change.
Thirteen days to freedom.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Okay, do me a favor, won't you? Take a look at this asshole. Judging from the cartoony expression on his face, what exactly do you suppose this moron is doing in this picture?
(a) trying to avoid reporters while ducking into a courtroom to be indicted for goat blowing?
(b) sneaking into an X-rated movie theatre sans pants?
(c) doing his best Oliver Hardy impersonation?
(d) trying to become a Senator from the State of Illinois?
If you guessed (d), you're just no fun at all.
Hey, Roland: do you have any concept of what kind of a circus you have created by agreeing to take this appointment from Blagodiwishhewouldgoaway? Do you? Because I'll tell ya: if you had a clue how much every Democrat in the country fucking hates you you would probably roll up into a ball and never stop crying.
Keep it up, Roland, and there's a chance they might actually let you in. But if they do?
That's going to be one lonely job.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Much, much to discuss, much more to ponder and a few things to simply remark upon.