Have a Seat, Harriet

Earlier today, a U.S. District Court judge ruled that the Bush Administration had no basis for claiming that White House aides were immune from testifying before Congress. Here's an except from the story:

"The House Judiciary Committee wants to question the president's chief of staff, Josh Bolten, and former legal counsel Harriet Miers, about the firing of nine U.S. attorneys. But President Bush says they are immune from such subpoenas. They say Congress can't force them to testify or turn over documents.

"U.S. District Judge John Bates disagreed, saying there's no legal basis for that argument and that Miers must appear before Congress. If she wants to refuse to testify, he said, she must do so in person."

Translation: Have a seat, Harriet.

"'Harriet Miers is not immune from compelled congressional process; she is legally required to testify pursuant to a duly issued congressional subpoena,' Bates wrote. He said that both Bolten and Miers must give Congress all non-privileged documents related to the firings."

Translation: Josh, you pull up a chair, too.

"The ruling is a blow to the Bush administration's efforts to bolster the power of the executive branch at the expensive of the legislative branch. Disputes over congressional subpoenas are normally resolved through political compromise, not through the court system. Had Bush prevailed, it would have dramatically weakened congressional authority in oversight investigations."

Translation: Suck on that, pal.

My favorite quote? (Empasis mine):

"Bates, who was appointed to the bench by Bush, issued a 93-page opinion that strongly rejected the administration's legal arguments."

Damn activist judges!

McCain = Gore

A somewhat misleading title, I know, so let me explain:

Back in the infamous year of Our Lord 2000, there was a matchup between two candidates.

One had vastly more experience than the other. A long career in Washington. A well known Senatorial record on many different issues. Smart, kinda funny but...not particularly personable. Oh, and he was a Vietnam veteran to boot.

The other was a charmer. Right out of state politics. Got along famously with the press corps. The kind of guy that most people wanted to have a beer with. Quick with a joke or a light up your smoke.

So they went at it. And guess what? The charming "outsider" turned out to be pretty durn popular! Despite the long and storied career of the first candidate, people kept drifting towards the other guy!

So what did Candidate #1 do? How did he react in the face of this brazen stranger leaching away his already tenuous popularity?

I'll tell you what he did: he changed. He tried to be everything to everybody. He tacked to the left, he tacked to the right. He tried to smile more. And this made him kind of creepy to some people. (At the three presidential debates that year, Candidate #1 appeared as if he were three separate people.)

Worse, his shape-shifting didn't help him. People noticed what he was doing and the press made great political hay out of it.

And we all know how that story ends. The amiable chimp got to sit in the big chair and ruin the country while the stentorian career politician had to slink off, attempt to save the world and, while he was at it, win an Oscar and a Nobel Peace Prize. (Not too shabby, eh?)

So, now that I've explained myself: McCain = Gore.

John McCain, who I've kinda, sorta liked every once in awhile over the past few years, is now faced with the same dilemma that Gore had- the charming outsider taking all the air out of the room- and he's reacting in exactly the same way. He's morphing. He's trying to be more appealing. He's smiling a lot. And it's....well, it's a little sickening.

Except with McCain, it's even worse than with Gore. McCain is flip-flopping on issues that were once near and dear to him (i.e. torture and veterans benefits). He's edging towards the right-wing nutjubs on immigration, taxation and, of course, he's tied himself with an unbreakable chain to the biggest political anchor of the year: the Iraq war. Finally, this week, Mr. Straight Talk started to go very, very negative. His latest ads are disgraceful. (Britney Spears? Please.)

Watch for the earth-toned outfits next. They worked so well the first time.

(Disclaimer: This post in no way means to favorably compare George W. Bush and Barack Obama. Other than the faint similarities described above, the two men could not be more different. I am Kevin Theis and I approve this message.)

Department of Injustice

This week, the Inspector General at the Department of Justice released a report condemning the hiring practices of former DoJ Chief of Staff Kyle Sampson, White House liaison Jan Williams and, of course, the infamous Monica Goodling. As was suspected, these magnificent individuals used political considerations when making non-political appointments. And they...aw, let's let the Inspector speak for himself:

"[W]e concluded that the evidence showed that Goodling violated both federal law and Department policy, and therefore committed misconduct, when she considered political or ideological affiliations in hiring decisions for candidates for career positions within the Department. In particular, the evidence showed that she considered political or ideological affiliations in deciding several waiver requests from interim U.S. Attorneys, in promoting several candidates for career positions, and in disapproving a candidate for an EOUSA career SES position."

Well, that's not good.

So now that these allegations have proven to be grounded in truth, the question becomes: What will Attorney General Michael Mukasy do about it? Apparently he is "disturbed" by this development, which is nice, but that still doesn't answer the question. Or, to be more accurate, questions.

For example: Were these people acting alone or under orders? What input did former AG Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove have to do with the decision to politicize these hires? Did no one beyond these underlings know that this was occurring? And where are the criminal charges, Mike?

These questions, and many more, will be answered....perhaps never.

So if you're holding your breath for those indictments, do me a favor: Be careful not to pass out. It could be awhile.

Uncle Ted

It's been a year in the making, but yesterday, at last, Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens finally got a gift he didn't ask for: an indictment.

After investigating Stevens for not reporting gifts (including a renovation of his house) from the oil services company VECO, a federal grand jury in Washington D.C. handed down a seven felony count indictment against the Senator, who was forced to immediately terminate his leadership role in several Senate committees. (Turns out you can't run committees for the Senate while under indictment. Whoda thunk it?)

Now, of course, if you follow politics (or watch "The Daily Show," which amounts to the same thing), you're already familiar with Uncle Ted. He's the comedically foul-tempered pol who has a penchant for roughly jamming his own foot in his mouth, often to great effect. Most famously, he is known for his "series of tubes" comment while addressing the Net Neutrality Act as he headed up the Senate Commerce Committee.

Remember: this is the head of the Senate Commerce Committee. You know, the folks in charge of regulating the Internet. Take me home, Ted!

"Ten movies streaming across that, that Internet, and what happens to your own personal Internet? I just the other day got... an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday [Tuesday]. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially. [...] They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it's going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."

Doesn't get much better than that, does it? But for a full round-up of Tedisms (or at least the highlight reel), take a gander over here.

Senator Hulk is up for re-election this November. How are we feeling about his chances, eh?

Jolly Filter

While we're on the subject of funny- have you seen the Jolly Filter?

High-larious.

h/t to Joe W.

Behold the Anointed One!

You want satire? You want good, solid comedic writing?

Courtesy, once again, of my brother David, I give you: The Times of London.

Behold!

Time Out for Baseball

It has been all I can do not to talk about the Cubs on this site, as they are, for me (like much of my family), a passionate subject. But it must, at last, be said:

It's July 29th, people, and the Cubs are in first place.

Is that cool or what?

They had a rocky weekend against the Florida Fish, but they've been smacking the Brewers around the past couple of days and are now sitting on a two-game lead. The Cardinals, who have absolutely no business whatsoever doing as well as they're doing (especially with all their injuries), won't go away either, so they lag only four games behind us. And we've still got two full months of baseball to play!

I ask you again: Is this cool or what?

Some people have remarked that, since 2008 marks the 100th anniversary since the Cubs last won the World Series, that there is some kind of special magic around the team this year. Horse-hockey, sez I. It is a combination of smart management putting good players on the field, spending the money they need to spend (at last) and, of course, the management stylings of Sweet Lou P.

We haven't had hitters like this in years. And the pitching? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Okay, that's enough. Must not crow. Must not jinx. Just enjoying it while I can.

Honest.

Go Cubs!

McCain's Bad Week/Month

As Barack Obama's European Vacation came to a close, all hands piped up and declared it a smashing success. He was cheered everywhere he went, the foreign leaders with whom he met and spoke were all duly impressed and Obama came home with a bright, shiny gloss that forces you to avert your eyes, the man dazzles so much.

I mean, really: Does this guy look Presidential or what?

Meanwhile, Johnny McGrumperson spent the week sputtering. When he wasn't whining about all the media attention Obama's trip was getting, he was busy putting his own foot in his mouth. Seriously, if Barack said half the goofy stuff that McCain has said, this race would already be over.

Imagine it: Barack Obama refers to the Iraq/Pakistan border. What would the reaction be? Let me share with you the right-wing's response:

"Barack Obama has no knowledge of foreign affairs, as evidenced by his completely unfathomable statement that Iraq and Pakistan share a border. Anyone running for President should know that these two countries are separated by a little something we like to call.....IRAN. Obama should just call it quits now. His dangerous lack of knowledge about this volatile and important area of the world has clearly disqualified him for the top job."

But when McCain says it? Hey, it's just another senior moment for the guy. Lay off. He knows they don't share a border. It was just...you know...a slip up. Leave him alone.

So what if McCain doesn't know a Shiite from a Sunni. Big deal. Joe Lieberman set him straight and now he knows. (I know he made the same mistake more than once! Leave him alone!)

And yeah, he mixed up the dates of the Anbar Awakening. And he will occasionally burst into "Bomb, Bomb Iran" if he's in a frisky mood. And sure, when referring to Darfur, McCain mistakenly placed the region in Somalia rather than in Sudan, and later referred to "Czechoslovakia," which has been divided into the Czech Republic and Slovakia for 15 years.

But he's old, people! Old people make mistakes! Why can't you leave the poor guy alone?

Berlin Bananas for Barack

So Barack Obama goes to Germany, the latest leg on his whirlwind tour, and the McCain camp- get ready to be surprised- is all grumpy about it.

Yes, as Obama stood before a cheering crowd and warned against new walls that could divide us and how the world should stand as one against violent extremism....John McCain was moping about Ohio, wondering why The One is getting all the attention.

Just for a moment, picture what McCain's crowd would look like in Berlin. Three octegenarian shopkeepers clapping for him until they realized that he wasn't John Kennedy and they go home. Sad.

But you know what my favorite quote from the CNN coverage of Obama's speech was? Forget the wonderful rhetorical turns Obama took during his speech. That's old news. He's a great speaker, blah, blah, blah. Here's the best part. Allow me to quote CNN:

"So we're going to be campaigning across the heartland of America and talking about the issues that are challenging America today," McCain said outside a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio."

Really, John? You were so jealous of Barack's trip to Germany that you had to stop in and get some schnitzel for yourself? Mebbe a zip of bier, ya?

Path. Et. Ick.

The Obama-Media Love Fest

Lots of ink this week on how poor John McCain just can't catch a break, press-wise. He goes to visit former President George H.W. "Father of the Beast" Bush this week (presumably so he can look, by contrast, like a young man) and where are all the network anchors? Covering Barack on his overseas trip. Jeez. Why, it's enough to make a candidate positively grumpy.

Of course, McCain is grumpy from the word go. And I can't say as I blame him. Bet he kinda sympathizes with Hillary these days, don't you think? All that time she was trying to clinch the nomination and she had to put up with this young punk, this upstart from Illinois stealing her thunder and, ultimately, her nomination. Now McCain is getting a taste of it and he doesn't like it.

Who would? So let's examine this phenomenon, shall we?

First, to be clear- when McCain went to Iraq, he got plenty of coverage. Remember his stroll through the Baghdad market where he showed how safe the place was? Sure, there was enough security there to have a Super Bowl next door and, sure, that same market became a target for terrorists shortly afterwards and, yes, it was a huge blunder to make that little jaunt but...it was covered, wasn't it? Oh, man was it!

Next, lest we forget, McCain and his right-wing cronies were the ones who taunted Obama about the fact that he hadn't been to Iraq and now that he's been there, they're taunting him with the equivalent of "Enjoy your trip? Well it would have SUCKED without the surge you voted against, ya big jerk!" Never mind that the President of Iraq basically agrees with Barack's timetable for withdrawal. And never mind that our own Current Occupant, Señor Chimpaña, has also envisioned a "time horizon" for withdrawal. Never mind that, I said! The fact is that Barack opposed the surge and the surge is great! And stop looking at Afghanistan, damn you!

And while we're on the subject, what's with all the ageist jokes? "McCain is old, McCain knew Moses, McCain was Lincoln's running mate." Ha, ha, ha. Since when is it okay to make fun of old people? I mean, you draw one New Yorker cover suggesting that Barack is a terrorist and all hell breaks loose, but it's perfectly fine to point out that John McCain invented dirt? You call that fair?

And stop putting Barack Obama on the cover of your magazines! So what if the result is that you completely sell out of that issue? We're talking about fairness here, people! Equal time, you know?

And, lord, that video of Barack sinking the three pointer in front of all those soldiers...enough already! If you really wanted to be fair, you could mention that it was John McCain- yes, that John McCain- who sank the first three-pointer ever back in 1897 and that's not funny! Stop that!

Look- I'll admit. There is a distinct contrast between these candidates, media-wise. One is incredibly photogenic and charismatic and the other looks like a shriveled version of the albino from The DaVinci Code (that's not funny!).

But come on. Be a bit more balanced, could you?

It's only fair.

McDonald's Boycott

My brother David alerted me to the site BoycottMcDonalds.com. Here's the scoop:

The McDonald's Corporation apparently went "too far" by purchasing a commercial for the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade wherein a McDonald's honcho brags that McDonald's is "a company that actively demonstrates its commitment to the gay and lesbian community."

Well, now you did it.

The reaction from the right-wing has been predictable. They want us to boycott McDonald's because McDonald's "as a corporation, [refuses] to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage."

Now I've been looking for this "homosexual agenda" for years and I'll tell ya, it's really hard to find. You'd think that a group as organized as homosexuals would have their agenda neatly typed up and easy-to-read. But no. Still, the McDonald's corporation apparently supports this invisible agenda and the religous right, well...they're just not having it!

As a late birthday present to me, the BoycottMcDonald's site also has a comments section and I've spent the last half hour chortling over the entries. Most of them, as you would expect, are some variation of "I've always been a loyal customer, but your choice to support the gay agenda has forced me to make a choice- bye, bye McDonalds!" One of these accuses them of commiting a "McBlunder." Basically the same thing, over and over.

But there's more. Oh, so much more. If this site doesn't win "Best Humor Site of the Year" at the Webbies, I don't know what will. Here are a few selected entries that made me howl. (And yes, it is easier to find the real kooks if you just look for the entries in all CAPS).

"Dearest McDonalds, I am deeply saddened at your decision to sponsor the sodomitic lifestyle."

Hey! A new word!

"MCDONALDS HAS BEEN AN ALL TIME FAVORITE IN OUR HOME FOR YEARS!I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT ALOT OF THEM FOR THE THINGS THEY HAVE DONE FOR ST.JUDES AND OTHER THINGS!!!I HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING SERVERED BY GAYS NOR DO I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO DO "BEHIND" CLOSED DOORS BUT I DO KNOW WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS AND I DO BELEIVE IN IT."

Servered by gays? That sounds intriguing...

"One man sodomizing another is your idea of deversification?? How sad that you would go against the morals set forth in the Bible. You are on my list of companies to no longer do business with."

I always thought "deversification" was "the forcible removal of poetry." Worse, he ends his last sentence with a preposition. Sad...

"I wanted to leave a comment, but there is no way to type a comment in."

I wanted to comment on the above, but cannot. Too busy rolling on the floor laughing.

"Dear, McDonald's. Last week I ate a cheeseburger at your restaurant. If I would've known it was created by gay loving hands, I wouldn't have purchased it. Don't you guys know gays were behind the holocaust? First Jews, and now the family. What is next, McDonald's? Are you going to help gays eradicate sand? WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT SAND!?!?"

Whoa! That's a keeper!

"Not what enters into the mouth defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man. Though McDonald's provides clean food for customers, their supports for homosexuality evidences that they are defiled."

Maybe it's me, but that one sounds kinda...sexy.

"Are you also going to support open activity between man and beast? You are helping to open the door to bestiality, sex with children, plural homosexual marriages and the list goes on! McDonalds is in Star Wars terms "turning to the dark side!"

Plural homosexual marriages? I mean, those singular ones are bad enough!

"YOU DID NOT BILD YOUR COMPANY ON HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE! IT WAS BUILD ON FAMILY VALUES! MAN,WIFE.CHILDREN!MOSTLTY CHILDREN! THEY DON'T COME FROM HOMO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If you're going to bild your company on people, bild them on STRAIGHT people. They provide more stability and less slippage during the summer floods.

"Sorry, but my shadow will no longer cross the threshold of the golden arches. Good bye. I need to lose weight and save money. This is just the impitous I needed."

Good idea, fatty. (Impitous?)

Actually, this whole thing is a good idea. Maybe some of the tubbos I saw at the water park earlier this summer will be better off if they give up the Big Macs for a few weeks. But my favorite comment of all was the one my brother tried to slip through the censors but, sadly, did not:

"I've been putting their meat in my mouth for a long time. I'll now have to get my beef injection elsewhere."

The New Yorker Cover

Satire is a tricky business. If you don't strike quite the right tone, you risk that your audience might not see the humor in what you are trying to convey and will, God forbid, take you seriously. I imagine that some people thought that Jonathan Swift was serious when he proposed eating children as a solution to the food shortage in his day but...most of his readers, I'll bet, got the joke.

And so it is with the new New Yorker cover, which depicts Barack and Michelle Obama as terrorist-fist-jabbing, Osama loving, flag burning jihadists. You might look at it and say "Jeez, that's a little over the top" but...you get the joke, right?

Moving beyond your own perception, the next step is to say "Okay, sure. I get it. But what about the people who won't?" As Thomas Egan put it so well in today's New York Times, those who choose to believe that Barack is a member of some Islamic extremist sleeper cell poised to wreak havoc after he is elected....these people are not going to get turned around by November and vote for him anyway.

So, like Jesse Jackson's idiotic outburst last week, the New Yorker cover has actually done some good, I think. Now you've got people saying "Hey, I never believed that about him. What kind of crackpot would believe that he's a militant?" And on the other side of the aisle, all you need to do is to hold your nose, log in to FreeRepublic.com and get an earful of this:

"The facts are simple. Osama had both a Muslim upbringing and a Muslim background. His father was a Muslim, his stepfather was Muslim. He was raised in Indonesia, a Muslim country. He attended a Muslim school. He was registered as a Muslim. He loves the Muslim call to prayer, and he can recite it in Arabic."

Think this dingbat is going to change his/her mind about Obama no matter what you say? Not a chance. ("Registed" as a Muslim? Where? The Religious Registration Board?) But the good news is: now everyone can see how ridiculously stupid a poster like this is.

I'm holding on to my copy of the New Yorker when it arrives this week and will keep it, in pristine condition, along with my copy of the New York Post announcing that Dick Gephardt will be John Kerry's running mate.

Hey, it could be worth something someday.

Of Memorials and Such

I attended a memorial for my good friend, Page Hearn, a week or so back and was asked to say a few words. I did what I could to capture what it was like to work with this wonderful man, as did a few other of his friends and I have to say- it seemed to go very well.

This is the third such memorial I've attended for friends that were my age or younger that have died. Two of them, Michael Barto and Nathan Rankin, had AIDS and knew for a long time before they went that they didn't have much time. Page, on the other hand, went of a sudden heart attack, shocking everyone with his sudden departure.

As I approach the age that my mother was when she died (44, can you believe that?), and still fresh from Page's remembrance, I got to thinking: how do we properly prepare for the end? Sure, we may have wills drawn up and all that but...suppose *poof* you were gone. Everything in order? Your loved ones assured of your love? Everything embarrassing deleted from your hard drive, bucko?

I bet not.

I've been contemplating putting together a site (though I'm sure one must exist somewhere) called something like "My Last Few Words.com" or a variant thereof, that would allow people to go and make preparations for their sudden (or distant) demise. What e-mails would you send out from the grave? What songs would you want at your memorial? Burial or cremation? Who gives your eulogy? And what, besides the stuff in your will, goes to whom? (I've got dibs on the baseball cards!) How about all your computer passcodes? Who should get them? And where the heck is all your money anyway?

The idea would be to have you set up an account and appoint an executor (nothing too legally cumbersome, just someone who has your account info). If (or when) you go, your executor enters the launch code and....*presto!*....your final thoughts, messages, wishes, directives and bequests are released to the world.

Admittedly, it would have been a little creepy to get a message from Page after he was gone but...it would have been kind of nice, too.

Just a thought.

Oil Men

It should come as no surprise to anyone that when this nation elected...er...when Chimpy and his buddies were granted the White House, that the price of oil and gas was going to go up. Keep in mind, these were oil men, Cheney and Bush, and their friends, their business associates and their donors were oil men, too.

The last thing these guys were going to try and do is to attempt to wean this country off fossil fuels. No way, Jose. You like your cars, dotcha America? You like them big monster trucks, those sleek SUV's, you like to go to prom in those Hummer limos. You do, right? Yeah, sure you do.

And after almost eight years of complete mismanagement of our energy priorities, we find ourselves in a crisis. Gas is over four bucks a gallon, supplies are drying up, China and India are clamoring for more and more fuel and there's no end in sight.

The answer? Well, if your an oil man, the answer is easy. More drilling. Don't cut back on demand, just boost supply! Sure, we might not see any of that oil for five or ten years, and sure, it won't be enough fuel to slake our voracious thirst and, sure, the overseas gajillionaires taking our money right now for the oil we so desperately need are the same guys who send terrorists after us but you know what? Drilling off the coast of Washington State or Miami Beach sure beats the hell out of buying one of those dinky Prius doo-dads.

C'mon, people! Are we men or mice? You want a bitchin' car or you want a hybrid that shuts it's engine off at red lights? Who needs a chick car like that?

Message: BUY THAT SILVERADO! Splurge on that Escalade! Be the envy of your friends by snapping up one of those Expeditions!

The oil will be there. Honest.

Bad Blogger! Bad, BAD Blogger!

The lifeblood of good blogging is, of course, consistency. If you really want to attract a crowd, you should be posting all day, every day, rain or shine. Then you get people who check in regularly, comment, link to the stuff you provide and....viola! You have a successful blog.

Ninnies who only dabble in blogging and occasionally post, well...clearly these nimrods don't want an audience. They want a venue where they can blow off steam occasionally, but not actually be beholden to, say, an audience.

Bad blogger! Bad bad blogger!

So I'm back. And what a week it's been! Yet another Reverend has made life difficult for Barack (or has he?). John McCain admits he doesn't know how to operate a computer, denies he said he wasn't up on economic issues (he did, of course), his advisor (the shame of Texas) Phil Gramm calls us all a bunch of whiners and McCain jokes about killing the Iranians with cigarette smoke (ha ha!). Bill Clinton throws a hissy fit (the latest of several) over Barack's ascension, the pundits rip Wesley Clark a new one and, over in this corner, Barack's supporters are bitching because of his support (albeit tepic) of the FISA bill and his supposed "flip-flopping" on Iraq (which is nothing of the kind).

So where have I been? Oh, you know. Doing a show. Going to a memorial service for a dear friend. Spending time with the family. Writing with my colleagues. Working. Playing Mob Wars. Paying for the new siding on my house. Fun stuff like that.

But fear not, my loyal readers! (Yes, I'm looking at both of you!) I shall return with a vengeance on Monday and will try not to forsake you.

At least, not for a little while.