The Rev. Wright Show

Boy, you know your production sucks when you get bad reviews from Kathleen Parker (right-wing shrieker) and Clarence Page (thoughtful lefty commentator).

Reverend Wright, he of the "God Damn America!" quote, went before the National Press Club this week and basked in the spotlight. He did a little show, made fun of some old-time white politicians, praised Louis Farrakhan, spread the news that the U.S. government invented AIDS to knock off black folks and generally did all he could to make Barack Obama feel like shit.

Barack's necessary but unhappy duty was to once again stand in front of a microphone and address the issue of this self-serving narcissist and, this time, repudiated him. I'm sure that in the back of Barack's mind were the word "PLEASE GO AWAY FOREVER," but he didn't say it.

Rev. Wright has been widely panned for his recent braying and he deserves to be. It is one thing to stand up and defend yourself, as he should have done. It is another to grandstand in front of an open microphone and wallow in the limelight for your own egotistical thrills.

Short version: Take a walk, Reverend. We're pretty good and goddamn sick of you. Stop ruining Barack Obama's life, you jerk.

Our Greatest Hope Is....Indiana?

So the drama plays itself out something like this: Obama wins Iowa, Hillary counter-punches with New Hampshire. Obama smacks back with South Carolina, Super Tuesday is basically a draw (though Obama wins more states). Then the state-by-state primaries begin and Obama strings together 11 wins in a row. Hillary comes tromping back by winning the BIG states: Ohio, Texas, California. Then, last week, Pennsylvania.

The storyline, as it is currently being told, is that the bloom is off Barack's rose, Hillary's got the momentum and it's all going down to the convention.

Except...Indiana. See, Indiana is a key state in this race. First of all, it's pretty red. Not fire-engine red, like North Dakota or Oklahoma, but pretty red all the same. Interesting demographic mix: rural and urban, university folks and bible-thumpers, black and white...Indiana is all over the map.

So it could all come down to what the Hoosiers think. Because if Barack takes Indiana, Hillary's streak is broken and he gets a ton of desperately needed delegates. Hillary wins, and she inches closer to the magic 2,025 number and the superdelegates stop drifting away from her. Could become a convention fight after all.

Jesus, who'da thunk it? Indiana of all places? Because if it isn't Indiana that tips the scales, maybe it will be....

....Guam? Really?

The Never-Ending Primary

You know, once upon a time, I thought a floor-fight at the convention was a fun idea. We haven't had one in decades and I figured, "Gee, that sure would be fun."

Now, the closer it comes to becoming a reality, the less I like it. In particular, the less I like...Hillary Clinton.

I saw the screaming crowds in Pennsylvania, the confetti, the celebration and all I could think was:

I. Don't. Get. It.

What is there to get that excited about? I just don't get the kind of vibe from her that I got from candidates like....oh, I don't know...her husband.

I mean, a lot of people found it difficult to be inspired by Al Gore and John Kerry. And I understood. I forced myself to get excited about them (especially Kerry) but by the time the election rolled around, I was on board. I was a full-on Gore/Kerry backer, sending them cash, politicking for them, yard signs, web sites, the works.

And if, by some bizarre happenstance, Clinton does wind up stealing...er...getting the nomination instead of Barack, I'll get behind her, too. I will. But...I won't be happy about it.

Obama is my guy, you see. Inspirational. Forthright. Intelligent. Honest. Charismatic. And did I mention inspirational? Well, he is. I know it all sounds a little man-crushy and I apoligize, but...he's just a one-of-a-kind candidate. Supposing he finally lands the nomination, as he should, the support I showed Gore and Kerry is gonna look like chicken feed compared to the work and effort I will put into Obama's candidacy.

But Hillary? Oh, I'll back her and all that. Send her money. Point out how much better she would be than John McCain. (I won't mention that a bowl of pudding is preferable to John McCain, but I'm just sayin'.) I'll be in her corner, all the way.

But will I ever stand up and cheer her the way I do for Obama?

I dunno. I really don't. Because the problem is:

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

And, At Last, Pennsylvania

Okay, was that not the longest six weeks of your life?

Who designed this schedule? Six weeks between primaries? Ridiculous.

Of course, no one could have known that the process would turn into such a circus. I'm sure the thinking was: someone has got to be knocked out by now, don't you think?

But no, they struggle on. And after tomorrow, no matter the outcome, they will keep struggling on. Hillary is likely to win, but if the margin is slim enough, many will call for her to (finally, mercifully) call it quits. Ain't gonna happen.

After the crap she's pulled the past few weeks, she's not about to quit now. She's in it until the dirty end.

Lord, let it end.

A Moment of Silence

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I'm a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen and his group, the incomparable E-Street Band. I've had the privilege of seeing the Boss and the Band play live on six separate occasions, each one a singular thrill.

Today we mark the passage of one of rock and roll's greatest keyboard players, the E-Street Band's Dan Federici. If you know Bruce's work, you know Dan's sound. One is tempted to say that the keyboards are the backbone of Bruce's band but...that would diminish the guitar work of Stevie Van Zandt and Nils Lofgren, the bass of Garry W. Tallent, the drums of Mighty Max Weinberg and, of course, the Big Man himself, the King of the World, saxophone legend Clarence Clemons. Still, Federici's signature riffs on dozens of Springsteen's songs are impossible to forget. Nobody did it better than Dan.

As bands go, these guys are tough to beat and Dan was one of the brightest stars in the group. Harken back to the opening of "Sandy," if you would, when Federici starts off with a totally incongruous (at first) classical spiel on the keys which somehow, wonderfully, dovetails into Bruce's Jersey Shore ballad. Or the harmonica/keyboard start to "Thunder Road," my personal Springsteen favorite. Or the tinkly opening of "Rosalita." Or....well, I could go on all day, happily recalling Federici's many iconic moments.

You want to get an entire stadium singing in unison? Dan could do it simply by playing the first few, unforgettable notes of "Hungry Heart." He was that good.

More recently, on last year's "Magic," Federici again stands out with his lyrical, gorgeous work, particulary on "I'll Work For Your Love," which hangs it's hat on Dan's old-fashioned, jangly riffs. See also his organ work, never better in his career, on "Livin' in the Future."

What a loss.

In song after song after song, Federici's keyboards are the essential foundation of the sound. The E-Street Band is a tight group, the arrangements complex and complimentary. If you weren't up to snuff, you faded into the background. Dan never did.

So a tip of the hat, if you would, to the legendary Dan Federici.

Hey, Dan: Case the promised land for us, won't you?

Barack and the "Bitter" Gaffe

Okay, stupid thing to say. Let's just get that out of the way.

When you're the front-runner for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States (especially in a year when you stand a damn good chance of winning), you have to watch every word you say. Clearly, this was a mistake.

And what, specifically, did Barack do wrong?

He told the truth.

Dammit, man, what's wrong with you? Don't you know anything about American politics? We what platitudes, not honesty! Jeez, you're supposed to be from Chicago! You don't hear any politicians in Chicago telling the truth, do you? Wise up, Barack!

And that oh-so-stupid truth-telling? What did he say exactly? He said that there are bitter, angry people in this country who use their religions, their guns and their hatred as crutches in hard times. And he's absolutely, 100% right about that. I've known a few and they're scary people, let me tell you.

But calling them out like that? Shining a spotlight on their failings?

Bad form, Barack. You should know better.

Who's On First? Verily!

Apropos of absolutely nothing political, here's a little number my dear friend Ron Fox sent me yesterday in response to my revamping of poor Mark Antony. It is about nine minutes long and is worth every second, as it is a Shakespearean re-telling of the classic Abbott and Costello routine, "Who's on First?".

If you've seen anything funnier this month, send it along. Because I sure as hell haven't.

Enjoy!

With Apologies to Bill...

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury troop reductions in Iraq, not to praise it.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with George W. Bush. The noble Petraeus
Hath told you troop reductions were ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath our soldiers answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Petraeus and the rest -
For Petraeus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men -
Come I to speak at the funeral of troop reductions.
We were told was a benefit of the surge’s success,
That troop reductions could finally begin apace…
But Petraeus says it was ambitious;
And Petraeus is an honourable man.
He hath brought many captives home to Guantanamo
Whose ransoms did the general coffers…well never mind.
Did this in troop reductions seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, our commander-in-chief hath wept:
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Petraeus says reductions were ambitious;
And Petraeus is an honourable man.
You all did see that at the Capitol,
The Senators did thrice give noble Petraeus
The ability to recommend the troops come home.
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Petraeus says it is ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Petraeus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love the idea of bringing soldiers home once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for it’s end?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with the troop reductions,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

McCain and the War

Conventional wisdom currently has it that John McCain may not know much about economics, but he sure as shootin' knows about national security. Take his stance on the Iraq war, for example:

Last year, McCain put his political career on the line by supporting the surge and he's been a big proponent of it ever since. He insists that the surge has "worked" and is the only path to victory in Iraq. And until recently, given the decrease in casualties since the surge was put into place, McCain seemed to have backed the right horse.

In other words, as long as the surge could be defined as a success, McCain looked like a wise statesman. He bet the long shot and won. So let's elect him president.

Trouble is, he was wrong. The relative calm during the surge turns out only to have been an illusion. And now, that illusion is dissolving.

Last week, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki launched an offensive against followers of Moktada al-Sadr, a group of militias that have been giving Malaki fits. And remember: this is Shiite-on-Shiite fighting here. Not Al Qaeda. It is what amounts to a Shiite civil war.

The result? Disaster. Malaki's forces couldn't beat back the militias and wound up calling a cease fire (which, it turns out, was brokered by the Iranians, if you can believe that). American forces had to ride to the rescue of the Iraqi troops but even they couldn't quell the militias.

So how did John McCain see this unfold? As Frank Rich put it so succinctly in yesterday's New York Times:

"When the battle ended last week, Mr. McCain said: 'Apparently it was Sadr who asked for the cease-fire, declared a cease-fire. It wasn’t Maliki. Very rarely do I see the winning side declare a cease-fire.' At least the last of those sentences was accurate. It was indeed the losing side — Maliki’s — that pleaded for the cease-fire."

McCain's predictions on Iraq are routinely wrong. He said the war would be "easy." He said the oil revenues would pay for military operations. He backed the biggest chump we trusted during the run-up to the war, Ahmed Chalabi, the since-disgraced former Iraqi oil minister and deputy prime minister. His stroll through a Baghdad market to prove how "safe" it was turned out to be an elaborate, militarized photo-op. And most recently, he mixed up the groups that the Iranians were supporting (he said the Sunnis, it is actually the Shiite. His buddy Joe Lieberman had to help him out of that one).

The list goes on and on. McCain, supposedly the strongest candidate on national security by all accounts, is actually pretty awful on national security.

And given that McCain is turning out to be nothing more than a warmed over George W. Bush....is anyone surprised?

Hillary Gets Her Silverman On

Now, in order to properly appreciate the following, a little recent cultural history is in order. It is assumed, for example, that you are well aware of, and have seen, the music video created by Sarah Silverman entitled "I'm F*cking Matt Damon." It is further assumed that you are aware of, and have seen, Jimmy Kimmel's responsive video, "I'm F*cking Ben Affleck." Both are hilarious and worth a visit to your local YouTube store for a hearty helpin'.

But this being the primary season, you just knew there had to be a way to parody this thing politically, right? Right?

Here it is. Youch.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Given that the Pennsylvania primary is still a couple of weeks away, a lot of the chatter lately has been about whether or not Hillary Clinton should throw in the towel and end her campaign. A few prominent Democrats (none of which are affiliated with the Obama campaign) have publicly made the suggestion that she put an end to it all and I'm betting that even more have been in contact with Hillary behind the scenes. You can imagine THAT conversation:

Unidentified Prominent Democrat: "Hey, Hillary, how are you?"

Hillary: "Good, good. Lookin' forward to that primary in PA! Should be a fun one."

UPD: (forced laughter) "Oh, yeah. I'm sure it will be...sure... Gotta watch those Philly cheesesteaks, though!"

Hillary: "God, they're awful, aren't they? I'm choking 'em down but...yeesh. How can people eat those things?"

UPD: "Who knows? Yeah, they're....they're pretty...um...bad."

(Awkward pause.)

Hillary: "Listen, um, I've got a few speeches to make later today, did you call about anything specific, or....?"

UPD: "Oh, no. No, I just...you know...saw you on the TV there and I..thought I'd check in, see how you're holding up."

Hillary: "Are you kidding me? Better and stronger than ever! We're going all the way!"

UPD: "That's....that's great. Glad to hear your spirits are up. That's...terrific."

Hillary: "You sound like there's something on your mind, buddy. What's up?"

UPD: "Well, I should tell you the real reason I'm calling, I suppose. It's kinda hard to bring this up..."

Hillary: "Are you okay? Is there anything I should be concerned about...?"

UPD: "No, I'm fine. It's nothing like that but...hey, listen, lemme ask you something. Totally off the record, of course."

Hillary: "Shoot."

UPD: "Well, you've been at this campaigning thing for awhile, doing real well and I just want you to know we're all real proud of you..."

Hillary: "Thanks. That means a lot. I was saying to Bill yesterd--"

UPD: "But I was wondering. You know, with the electoral math being so nutty and all that and Obama having the lead in the delegates and the superdelegates and it looking pretty near impossible for you to secure the nomination..."

Hillary: (an edge creeping into her voice) "Yeah?"

UPD: "You ever think about...or even entertain the notion of....you know...quitting?"

(Extremely awkward pause.)

UPD: "For the good of the party and all that."

(Even more awkward pause.)

UPD: "I can understand if you haven't bu--"

Hillary: (in a voice so low, it rumbles like a train) "Now you listen to me. And you listen carefully, okay? This is my moment, motherfucker. You think I've come this far, done everything that I've done, sacrificed my whole life, put up with Bill and all his mountains of crap and slogged through a year of this campaigning bullshit to quit now? Are you out of your fucking mind?"

UPD: "Oh, well, I wasn't suggest--"

Hillary: "This man-child from Illinois thinks he can swoop in and steal this thing from me? Are you completely nuts? Has the country collectively gone completely cuckoo-bananas? This is mine, I will take it and there is nothing you can say to change my mind. We clear."

UPD: "Crystal, Hillary. Thanks for taking my call."

Hillary: "Yeah, yeah, whatever." (hanging up the phone) "Hand me one of those cheesesteaks, willya? I'm starving..."

****
Something like that, I'd imagine.

Big News

Well, it looks like I'll have to suspend work on the ol' blog after all. In fact, I'm handing in my resignation here at work, too. Why? The big news, of course:

I've been hired as an advisor to the Obama campaign. Pretty cool, huh?

I'll be doing a bit of traveling between now and November, though certainly not to every destination where Barack travels. Mostly I'll be hanging around campaign headquarters, which are located just south of Uranus.

Also, I've won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress, monkeys are shooting out of my behind and I'm betting some of you forgot what day it was, didn't you?

April Fool, suckas.

Okay, a lousy trick. But tell me...just for a moment....didn't you believe it was possible? Just for one little second?

Sigh. So did I.

Okay, back to work.

Dammit.

Back...and More Pissed Than Ever

First, an apology to my readers. Yes, both of you. I took a bit too much time off recently to attend to my new show and I seem to have wandered away completely. Many apologies. Won't happen again.

Next, let's check in on the campaigns...

Hmmm. Pretty goddamn boring without a primary every few days, isn't it?

The big story recently has been Hillary's...shall we say...embellishment of her trip to Bosnia. That's the thing about life in a YouTube world...you can't get away with doodley-squat any more. Can't very well say you're afraid of sniper fire, for example, while accepting a bouquet from a singing, eight-year-old girl. (By the way, there is an interesting piece in the NY Times Op-Ed page about exactly how dangerous that trip was. Have a look here.)

Meanwhile, Barack is...well, he's talking a lot. That's about it. And, of course, picking up superdelegates at a pretty fair clip.

A lot of talk about pushing Clinton out of the race, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Clintons don't give up. As frustrating as it can be, them wily Clintons are a rascally bunch! You have to admire their fortitude. (If you don't, Hillary will come to your house.)

On the George W. Bush front, Chimpy's final year is turning out to be just as big a disaster as we anticipated. His Housing secretary has resigned in disgrace, Iraq (remember the successful surge strategy?) is imploding, the markets are a mess, the dollar's in the tank, the tank can't be filled because gas costs almost $4 a gallon, Chimpy got booed tossing out the first pitch on opening day and...well, Bush is still president. That's bad news no matter how you spin it.

Okay, did I catch up? Did I miss anything?

Oh yeah: Happy Birthday, Gwen!